9 Year Old Crying

[Indiana Mom]

I'm having problems with my 9 year old girl crying over EVERYTHING. She is a really great kid, in school and out of school, and loves everyone she comes in contact with. But the crying over EVERYTHING has gotten way out of hand and I don't know how or what to do to help her deal with this. When my 9 yr old get's disappointed, feelings hurt, asked not to do something, not picked on during class, or someone tells her she's not allowed to do something, she's crying.  She's crying during class at school, during lunch, out on the play ground, and at family or friends houses.  It's like she doesn't understand or knows how to show different emotions.  I've done everything from being understanding to using disapline to try and get her to understand that crying over everything does not get her anywhere. But nothing seems to work. I just don't know what to do.  I need help.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

This sort of reaction does not require behavior management or discipline. Your daughter is not doing anything wrong. So, in that sense, the central point is not about what you can do. Sometimes as parents we have to recognize and accept our limitations. We can't always get things to turn out the way we want. Your daughter has a developmental lag in her capacity to handle disappointment. She easily becomes overwhelmed and sad, displaying this by crying over things that most children her age would let pass without such a strong reaction. But, over time, she will develop a better capacity to manage life's ups and downs. It's in that sense that you can't directly help her. Development will have to run its course. There are things you can do, and I'm sure you are doing them. While being attentive and supportive when necessary, also frame things in a realistic fashion: 'I know it feels like a big disappointment, but you can handle it. What can you do to make it better?' And, when she's doing fine, chat with her a little (not long explanations) about how she tends to make mountains out of molehills, that sort of thing. You might take a look at Stanley Greenspan's The Challenging Child. You'll see a section on The Highly Sensitive Child, and will probably ring a bell!

[jdtm]

Another excellent book you might consider reading would be "the highly sensitive child" by Elaine N. Aron, published by Broadway Books New York in 2002.  There also is a website with the same title - please note, all the letters in the title are lower case.  A search should give you more information.  All the best.

[Indiana Mom]

Thank you both for the advice. I will try what you suggested. It is hard when a parent is limited on helping their child through things.  It gives me more confidence as a mother, to know that this is something that she will essentially grow out of.  Every parent wants their child to grow up strong and courageous and that is what I truely want for my daughter.  I will get those books and read them. From what you say, it could help me understand what she is going through and to be a little more patient and understanding.

Thank you again.
Indiana Mom