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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
9 y/o Nephew very sexually aggressive towards my children
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
9 y/o Nephew very sexually aggressive towards my children
by Deb, Aug 19, 2000 12:00AM
This might get a bit long. I have a 9 y/o nephew who we have recently caught on more than one occasion involved in a sexual situation with my children. My nephew stays with his mom during the week most of the time, and has no siblings over there but at his dad's house he has 3 younger sisters.
The first time this happened it was in the playroom with my 9 y/o daughter and my 7 y/o son. After a lot of questioning we found out he had convinvced them to remove thier pants and touched my daughters bottom and front, and put his mouth on my son. He attempted to get my son to do the same. We wnt over this with my sister, asked her to seek counseling for him. And have changed the rules so that no door can be closed with more than one child in that room, and serious consequences if it ever happens again. Nothing has happened between my children since then. Two days ago my nephew came over and he and my son were locked in my sons room. I banged on the door until he opened it. My son later told me that my nephew told him to close and lock it to keep my daughters out of the room. But nothing happened as he had justlocked the door before I came down the hall.
Yesterday was my final straw. I sent my nephew and two older kids outside to play in the front yard. It got very quiet all of a sudden so I stood in the window and watched what was going on. My nephew proceeded to hold my daughters head and kiss her using his tongue all over her mouth. My son after seeing this tried to copy him. My daughter just stood there with her arms at her sides and her head and upper body leaned backwards sort of trying to get away but not stopping this. After I questioned all of them my daughter explained he told her she was under the mistletoe and HAD to let him kiss her. Unfortunately she had been teased by a relative about this before and thought this was true. So I have had to explain all about sex to her last night.
My nephew is about 5' tall and weighs about 100lbs. He is a big behaviour problem in other ways as well. He is in constant trouble at school. I have four children altogether, 9girl 7 boy, 2girl, and 2month girl. I don't know what to do aside from not letting him over anymore, and my mother watches all the children while we work, him as well, so one of us would lose a sitter if I did that. I have asked her to get him help, she has agreed but that was several weeks ago and so far nothing has happened.
The biggest problem is I am afraid that now my son is getting confused. He is 7 and is ADD on ritalin 10mg a day. He is very small also. weighs about 40lbs and looks like he 4 or 5. My nephew can bully him into anything, and he is often zoned when not on the medication and cant really understand whats going on. I have recently discovered that a neighbors son ALSO has performed some sexual acts on my son. This boy is out of town for the summer so I cant talk to the grandparents that are raising him. I am very concerned for him most of all because he seems to be getting the idea that this is ok. We are having a difficult time explaining to him that he does not have to do what everyone tells him to do. I know this is part of the ADD but not sure what to do to help him. I am afraid he is becoming a target for bullies, as he is constantly harassed and teased at school as well.
The first time this happened it was in the playroom with my 9 y/o daughter and my 7 y/o son. After a lot of questioning we found out he had convinvced them to remove thier pants and touched my daughters bottom and front, and put his mouth on my son. He attempted to get my son to do the same. We wnt over this with my sister, asked her to seek counseling for him. And have changed the rules so that no door can be closed with more than one child in that room, and serious consequences if it ever happens again. Nothing has happened between my children since then. Two days ago my nephew came over and he and my son were locked in my sons room. I banged on the door until he opened it. My son later told me that my nephew told him to close and lock it to keep my daughters out of the room. But nothing happened as he had justlocked the door before I came down the hall.
Yesterday was my final straw. I sent my nephew and two older kids outside to play in the front yard. It got very quiet all of a sudden so I stood in the window and watched what was going on. My nephew proceeded to hold my daughters head and kiss her using his tongue all over her mouth. My son after seeing this tried to copy him. My daughter just stood there with her arms at her sides and her head and upper body leaned backwards sort of trying to get away but not stopping this. After I questioned all of them my daughter explained he told her she was under the mistletoe and HAD to let him kiss her. Unfortunately she had been teased by a relative about this before and thought this was true. So I have had to explain all about sex to her last night.
My nephew is about 5' tall and weighs about 100lbs. He is a big behaviour problem in other ways as well. He is in constant trouble at school. I have four children altogether, 9girl 7 boy, 2girl, and 2month girl. I don't know what to do aside from not letting him over anymore, and my mother watches all the children while we work, him as well, so one of us would lose a sitter if I did that. I have asked her to get him help, she has agreed but that was several weeks ago and so far nothing has happened.
The biggest problem is I am afraid that now my son is getting confused. He is 7 and is ADD on ritalin 10mg a day. He is very small also. weighs about 40lbs and looks like he 4 or 5. My nephew can bully him into anything, and he is often zoned when not on the medication and cant really understand whats going on. I have recently discovered that a neighbors son ALSO has performed some sexual acts on my son. This boy is out of town for the summer so I cant talk to the grandparents that are raising him. I am very concerned for him most of all because he seems to be getting the idea that this is ok. We are having a difficult time explaining to him that he does not have to do what everyone tells him to do. I know this is part of the ADD but not sure what to do to help him. I am afraid he is becoming a target for bullies, as he is constantly harassed and teased at school as well.
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Aug 20, 2000 12:00AM
, Aug 20, 2000 12:00AM
Dear Deb,
Your nephew is clearly in need of help - keep up your efforts in this regard. If he does not receive help, you may have no choice but to stop contact bacause you can't continue to expose your children to his behavior.
In light of what has already happened, it would make sense to make an appointment with a child mental health clinician, who can evaluate your children and learn their perceptions about what has occurred. It's unlikely they'll need any significant amount of therapy, but brief, focused therapy might be in order.
Your nephew is clearly in need of help - keep up your efforts in this regard. If he does not receive help, you may have no choice but to stop contact bacause you can't continue to expose your children to his behavior.
In light of what has already happened, it would make sense to make an appointment with a child mental health clinician, who can evaluate your children and learn their perceptions about what has occurred. It's unlikely they'll need any significant amount of therapy, but brief, focused therapy might be in order.
I was in the terrifying position as a child of being approached by an older boy - I have never forgotten it. Don't be afraid of making a fuss or even a STINK if your child's innocence and trust and normal sexual outlook is in jepordy !!!!