9 year old boy - anger and disrespect in school

please can you help.  my nine year old boy, I would say is a typical boy except in school.  He has always been full on in school, has disrupted his class, but this seems to have stopped and academically he is clever, no problems with his work.  He is a very young 9 year old, some of his class are nearly a year older than him.  But the problem is playtime, he doesn't stop to think.  The problem at the moment is there is a boy in his class they say has anger problems and can't help it.  When he hits my son, or calls him names we and the school have told our son to walk away and tell the teachers.  He seems to deal with it himself, doesn't tell the teachers all the time, sometimes when he tells them the reaction is negative.  But he goes over the top.  Example today some of his friends really upset him going into his face saying he was rubbish at football, the boy with anger problems did the same and when my son turned away he hit my son in the back, not hard so my son turned round and kicked him hard, when the dinner lady told him to stand by the wall he said no, then another dinner lady tried, he told her no and went and sat down by the railings.  His teacher had to come and get him and told him he had let her down, himself and me.  He said he felt very angry.  He doesn't seem to get walk away.  Once he grabbed one of the pupils by the neck because my son thought he was hacked at football when he wasn't, the boy concerned was so upset.  Outside of school my son is typical, but excellent manners and people say a credit to me.  Please help as I do not know what to do.  The teachers say to my son you know ...... has anger problems and you know better.  So is it right that my son has to put up with being taunted and hit by this boy because he can't help it.  My son is no angel but he has to stop his anger and being disrespectful to adults.

[elena222]

Certainly, your son should be allowed to defend his own body by striking back. He's not Christ and he doesn't belong on a cross. His defensive system has already given him permission to fight back, because it knows what's necessary for his own well-being.

The child is willing to tolerate, even, the unjust consequences of having disappointed an adult - to the extent that he will, voluntarily, find an agreed form of discipline where he can stand his ground, yet bow to authority - which is what sitting by the railings, instead of doing what he's told to do, indicates.

What he does yet not have, is the voice or words to express why his position is a righteous one. It does not appear that any of the adults involved (except for you), is even entertaining that possibility, and your son is right to reject that kind of "protection."

I cannot say what form that expression would take, but certainly he should be able to let his care-providers know that he intends to physically defend himself against attack for his own self-preservation, and that this is a natural and healthy right and his duty as a human being.

Since this will probably not be accepted in the situation you've described, he should then be able to negotiate what the consequences for said behavior will be, so that he can take immediate, rational control, and accountability, for his actions.

Say, for instance, hitting back is not to be allowed. Then, he will have, pre-arranged, a railing to go to, or 5 cents that he has to fork over, or extra work - whatever he can come up with that works for him and the staff.

It may seem unorthodox or even crazy, but all teachers should provide opportunities for problem-solving, for any such genuine pleas for responsibility and independence. [Spoken as a teacher.] Repressing the behavior simply doesn't work. Whereas, having an agreement in place will go far in actually preventing the behavior, because consistent consequence (rather than fear - of teachers or other kids) will give everyone a greater sense of security.

This is a way to remedy the dynamic he's experiencing. Ideally, he would go even further in learning self-control. He would benefit extraordinarily from knowing self-defense of any kind; where he can block an attack, allow the aggressor's force only to hurt himself, and even gain the mental fortitude, not to react to perceived hurt (the debilitating emotional kind.)

[cath28]

thank you so much for your response, you don't know what it meant to me.  My son has done self defence, three belts away from a black belt, but when he has blocked a punch or a hit, he gets into trouble for that as well.  I don't know what the teachers expect, so god help my son.  I was brought up that you respect your elders, teachers are always right but I feel they are missing something, I hate this makes me feel sick and nervous.

Really do appreciate you taking the time to respond, you have made me feel a whole lot better.

[elena222]

Having you say that I could make you feel a whole lot better, or that I don't know what it meant to you - these are the words that in turn heal me. As women, we need to prop up each others' egos in every way we can.

We've been following a model of humility that may be helpful for men, but, as your case shows, creates pain and lack of resolution. We're still so busy putting "respect" for elders before our innate need to preserve and protect, and fight for health and wholeness.

I know that while I was writing, I was finding it would be almost too hard, to try my suggestions, if I were an actual parent - which is why it's always easier to "give" the advice, something that was just a very helpful rant for myself.

I was grateful to have the spur from you to feel so impassioned. But I sense, as I would expect, that acting on what we seem to agree upon, emotionally, is another story altogether.

Pardon me for being so bold, but I think that's what you have to find the guts to try. Or something like it that suits your personality.

Because these teachers will not change. And your hatred of the situation, your sickness and nervousness - those are in place for a reason. The feelings exist for those same intuitive, protective mandates, to be heard - by you.

You must do something or it will just continue. Or you'll find yourself drinking it away, or escaping in some such analogous way. I know you get this on a base level. We all do. And there is no criticism in this whatsoever from me. I have been there.

Don't leave it to God. I know it's scary. I wish I could be there to take the risk for you - I have nothing to lose and I would feel so satisfied trying. As it is, I can only beg you to proxy for me and for your son.

Give yourself some time to think it over. I hope you will feel like you can discuss whatever comes to mind with me and with others - that you aren't just being grateful and sending me on my way.

We are humans. We live together or we die together. And women have a very special role - always have - of making sure, that the prior happens. We don't need an Eden where nature has reclaimed all its human molecules.

Yes, I'm on a mission. But people have always called those who want to save mankind and be loved, crazy. Even crucified them. So I just do what I know.

So thank you for not shying away. (Rather, I hope you don't. I'm just as easily hurt when I put myself out there.)