9 year old is abusive!!!!!!

[stace282]

I have noticed problems with behavior starting around 6 i just thought it was a phase.Now he is 9 and almost as tall as me and stronger than me, it's getting so bad i cry.Now he is never a problem at school just home he hits his younger brother and sister, pushes, pinches, screams, name calls refuses to help with chores i try to keep things structured. He does this to me also.I have taken him to counseling but that was a waste of time and money because they never tested him.My husband has anger issues also he was diagnosed with adhd as a child but not bad enough to medicate. He is so angry all the time says "who cares".refuses to do his homework and i want to get him tested but can not find anyone everyone wants to just talk about things.No, been there we need to get to the root of this problem because my husband and a few other people on his side have anger issues,suicidal issues.please help me!I live in minnesota.

[musicmama]

Listen to the advice above.
As a parent of an adopted, angry child, I can relate.  Our son is now 11 now and doing better.  Here are some things we have learned:
1. Therapy is our best friend.  We do family therapy so they see all  of us and help us as parents deal with everything as it comes up.
2. If abuse has been in the home (or with the child) that abusive cycle follows the child.  You have to fight the cycle, not the child.  A book I found quite helpful is called "No Backtalk"  This includes natural consequences without power struggles.  I wonder what kind of consequences you are giving your sons when they won't go to bed etc.  Maybe instead of "nagging" them, you should get them up earlier for every increment of time they stay up past the desired time.  We went through struggles with our boys to get ready for school.  I finally refused to get them up and nag them.  If they didn't get up and get ready, they would have to walk to school or go unprepared.
3. You don't have to have your child tested to get medication (not saying your child needs medication)  If the teachers will fill out a form and take it to your doctor, they can point you in the right direction.  ADD or ADHD will manifest itself at school also.  Bipolar, depression and anger issues may only be visible at home.
4. If worst comes to worst, you can opt to send your child to an alternative home to help raise your child, especially if other children are at risk.  We have a boys ranch that takes in troubled boys, and points them in the right direction.  Sometimes another family member may be able to help out.

5. There is always an answer, always hope.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Good Luck and God Bless

[LRM1021]

There is another forum on this site -- Ask a Doctor Forum-- about child behavior. You could post there if you want some advice from a professional psychologist.

I'll offer what I am seeing in both your posts --

1. Both of you are acting as somewhat  "single moms"  to strong willed young men. Even if you are with a child's father, if the child's father is not "partnering" with you in parenting, then you are essentially parenting alone.
2. Children can react to this "parenting alone" thing in different ways.  But generally, if they view another strong male role model, generaly their fathers, not treating their mothers well, this type of thing can happen. Children get confused, and angry, because the person that they love most in the world is not getting respect, not "winning" (which is important to boys, remember) and this makes them angry.
3. If the child can behave at school and in public, and not at home, then the problem is solely at home. ADHD, Bi polar, etc-- all of these types of things do not just manifest themselves at home -- they go everywhere with the child. In both of your cases, you indicate that the child only has a problem at home. This sounds like a behavioral/ emotional issue vs any type of medical/ mental illness issue.
4. Some good books - The Defiant Child, The Defiant Teenager- by Russell Barkely-- give tips on how to deal with this type of behavior.
5. If you don't think counseling will work for your child, I suggest it for each of you-- to give you support, which you will need if you are going to turn around your relationship with your child.

[lovingmother648]

Dear Stace282:  I also have a 9 year old little boy who used to be the sweetest, most affectionate, loving child ever.  Mine is also almost as tall as me and getting stronger by the day.  I loved the years from newborn to the age of about 5.  Around the age of 6 - he started getting very opinionated, and a little defiant through the age of 7.  The ages of 8 and 9 have been HELL for me!  He is oppositional, refuses to mind me, talks back, puts me down, throws things at me, hits me sometimes, its unbelievable.  From the time he wakes up until the time he goes to sleep its a constant battle.  He fights brushing his teeth, doing his homework, and especially makes bedtime a living nightmare.  But as you stated, my son has zero behavorial problems at school or anywhere else.  My son is also very angry, and I am no longer with his father because his father was extremely abusive.  I don't know if he is angry about his father getting remarried, or what is going on, but I am at a complete loss, and completely heartbroken.

I left his father so he wouldnt be exposed to the abuse against me and have him think that it was okay to treat others that way - but now I am seeing so much of his father in him its terrifying.  I have tried several counselors, play therapy, psychologists, to no avail.  He refuses to open up and talk to them.

I thought this kind of behavior would not be exhibited until his teen years, but I am at a loss.  And like you, I cry every single day now - especially after struggling with him to go to sleep, I cry myself to sleep every night.

I don't know what kind of help I can be for you, except to let you know you are NOT alone.  I have seen several articles on this website regarding boys this age who are very defiant and abusive and doing all of the same things I described.  I am worried and terrified for my son's future.  He is so surrounded by so much love and support - this is unbelievable.

I don't exactly know how this website works - if doctors respond to our problems - but I just wanted to reach out to you, and let you know you will be in my prayers.

Hang in there.