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9 year old son masterbating(masturbating) PLEASE HELP!
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9 year old son masterbating(masturbating) PLEASE HELP!

My nine year old son is in the 3rd grade. At school he is doing very well as usual straight A's. My husband and I caught him masterbating (masturbating) 2 times now.  Is this normal? What should I say to him? Someone told me to not say thats nasty or to stop. I do not know what to say or how to react. PLEASE HELP ME!!

I dont want to react in the wrong way or say the wrong thing to him. My husband is really freaking out about it. I am thinking this is normal but i'm not sure.
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13167_tn?1327197724
Why in the world is your husband freaked out about it?

It's a little early,  but it's normal behavior.   I would be interested to hear why your husband is so freaked out.  That's the part of your post that is the greatest concern.

Men who "lose it" over being confronted with their son's sexuality are a concern.
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he is worried that he has started this at such a young age he says theres no way this is normal.
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13167_tn?1327197724
I think your husband has issues that neither you or he are recognizing.  
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Avatar_f_tn
My son is five and about a month ago i caught him while he was watching T.V, my fiance says that "it's his" and i should leave him alone. My mother is a nurse and says that it's normal. My son's doctor says that it is normal as well. My sister has a nine year old girl and from what I have heard she has been doing this for years. Just talk to him about it, reassure him that it is normal and natural, but to only do that in the privacy of his own room.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you so much Nikki. That makes me feel better hearing from someone with experience in this.

RockRose i think if someone ask a question you shouldn't be trying to make things out of nothing. I am very suprised that you would attack my husband over a question about my son. I'm not stupid i'm just asking a question hoping someone that has experience in this field would give me some advice. This is the first time i've ever posted and will more than likely be the last if you are an example of how people think on this site. I think you are truly the one with issue. You know not every family is made up of sickos. And its sad this day in age that all people think about.

Again thank you very much Nikki!
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13167_tn?1327197724
Mom - all we have here is what you've written.  I stand by what I said,  if you're standing by what you said,  using the term "freaked out".  A man who is "freaked out" (not concerned,  or questioning,  or seeking information,  etc.) is a concern.  I still think that.

If you meant to say "concerned",  that's different.  

I'm sorry you found me offensive.    I was really surprised reading your post that a father would have that reaction.
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Avatar_f_tn
It's natural for dad's to get a little "freaked out" by such things.  He's just handeling it diffrently than you.  It is normal for both boys and girls to "figure out" thier own bodies.  It's how kids learn.  All he knows is that it feels good and if you make a huge deal about it he'll get embarassed.  more than likely he will stop and find something else to do.  That's what mine did.
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Avatar_f_tn
When my neice did it to put herself to sleep in the bed next to me I was freaked out does that make me less of a human? When faced with something such as this you are caught of guard. Now that my son does it i am still freaked out, he is only five. I thought of things that could have happened to him or if he had seen someone doing it. I admit i stopped him and came close to punishing him before my fiance and i talked about it. Kids will be kids. If you would read my post  on th forum my son is a TRUE boy. It is only human to react and then feel concern. At least "dad" had a reaction at all. There are so many absent fathers these days, and even if they are there they sometimes need not be. This is my first time on this sight but i am finding it very helpful even though some peoples comments are less helpful and more intrusive. You are very welcome MOM.
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13167_tn?1327197724
Maybe we need to define freaked out here?

When my toddler was jumping around in the bathroom,  he fell and knocked out a tooth and split his lip.  He bled EVERYWHERE.  I didn't know a child had that much blood in him.  I ran out to the car and it wouldn't start so I called my neighbor for a ride.  In the meanwhile,  I took off our bloody clothes and changed clothes and out we went,  accidentally leaving the dog outside.  My husband came home from work to find the dog outside (never happens) and bloody clothing all over the place and my car parked in the driveway and neither of us home.

My husband freaked out.  

I'm sorry if what the original poster meant was "concerned" or "put off".  To me,  freaked out means losing control of their emotions they are so upset.  

Sorry again.
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Avatar_n_tn
Yes my husbands first concern was also as you said Nikki. He said what if he saw someone doing that or something. He was very concerned and freaked out by the idea of his 9 year old doing something like that. I think it is good to that he had a reaction on the matter. His reaction was also call his doctor! I was like we have an appointment next week and i willl call her out of the room and ask her so he wont get embarassed. He agreed. Because when my son noticed we had caught him doing this he started crying so hard. We talked to him and he said he was embarassed. I told him now that its normal for a boy to go through these changes. The doctor said that was what she told her son at age 8 when she caught him.  Anyways thanks again for the advice. I couldn't imagine catching him doing that at 5. I bet you were really FREAKED OUT!  I know i would have been. Thanks!
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Avatar_n_tn
Thats ok. Its just not a good thing to me as a first time poster on this site to get such a disterbing response from another user. I'm definetly not a writer and people see things differently as you said. But to automattically attack someone as you did was very strange to me. Maybe i worded wrong in your eyes as the way you use the word.
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13167_tn?1327197724
Really,  again,  I'm sorry if I misunderstood.  Your title states PLEASE HELP,  and to me that's a signal of ALARM.  

What I was picturing is a raving angry man who can't calm himself down and is threatenging to do something bizarre like call the cops.  

You see all kinds on the internet,  and we can't see each other's faces,  your post sounded to me like an emergency situation,  and not just a call out for opinions.

And this is a good site, you'll find.
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Avatar_f_tn
Mom can you read my post on the forum page and see if maybe you went through something similar with your son at my sons age. i would really appreciate any help. And no its not an Emergency just a Concerned parent. A little Freaked out but not on the verge of calling the cops Yet.... lol
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286776_tn?1268877932
I totally get how a parent would be freaked out by this also. My daughter is still a baby but if i ever caught her doing this i would be freaked out too...its shocking and i didnt know kids were doing that stuff so young.
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173939_tn?1333221450
Masturbation often starts in infancy and that is pretty common knowledge nowadays. Most baby and childcare books mention it as a recurring developmental phase and recommend not to install any feelings of guilt and low body esteem in an infant or toddler or adolescent. It freaks ME out that there is such regress into Victorian ages. And masturbation is spelled with "u".
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152852_tn?1205717026
If I caught my son masturbating in his room or the bathroom, I would apologize for walking in on him and leave--and I would tell him later that I will knock from now on.  If he asked questions or expressed embarrassment, I'd assure him that what he was doing was totally normal and perfectly ok to do in private.  If I caught him doing it in the living room, I would tell him that it's perfectly ok to do that, but that he needs to do it in private.

This truly is so not a big deal.  Nothing to freak out about and no need to be concerned.  If he's doing it compulsively and you can't get him to stop touching himself in public, then I'd talk to his pediatrician about it.
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Avatar_n_tn
Without an intention of causing a stir in this very helpful forum, i wish to advise that, we at times address symptoms leaving the real problem untouched.I would imagine how it would feel for anyone to sow a seed of discord between you and your husband but listen;

Masturbation is not normal but is very common, it symptomizes a sense of low self esteem. Low self esteem is primarily caused by various factors including home environment, what he is made to see himself by family, friends etc.I think you need to look around the symptom and you will find the problem.

Kind regards

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154929_tn?1196191338
Masturbation is normal--little children do it all the time--think about a little baby if they sit on a toy a certainway and rock--that is a form of pleasure...childred do this all the time--my son is 4 1/2 and will play with his penis--I just tell him he can do that--but I don't need to see it--sohe needs to go to his room and dot his privately...most of the time I don't know if he is getting pleasure from it or just playing with something that is hanging there-just to see what happens---it is all normal.  I believe as long as they are not doing this in public or in front of anyone else--let them be,
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Avatar_n_tn
So, there has been different comments about masturbation; most of them backing masturbation. However, I was just wondering why masturbation should happen at all? Is it the result of not having enough sex?
What I wanna convey is that if we let our children to have sex whenever they need, can it solve the masturbation problem?
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Avatar_n_tn
to talk to your son, just tell him it's fine to masturbate, but that he should do it in a room with a door and a lock so people can't walk in on him, because it's a private thing to do.

oh goodness chiro, while I appreciate your opinion, and everyone has one.  Masturbation IS normal behavior and there is nothing wrong with it.  It has nothing to do with low self esteem.  

singlegirl,  masturbation has really nothing to do with not having enough sex, however, if you do have alot of sex then you may not masturbate as much.  Masturbation is not a problem, it's something that most people do and does'nt hurt anything.  It is a good feeling, it releases endorphins in the brain, that make you feel good.  

The only problem i can see that can come from masturbating is if it becomes an addiction.
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Avatar_n_tn
Well. That' fine that masturbation is a normal behavior, and it can give good pleasure. However, I wanted to know that if it's a real pleasure or just a fake one! I mean how do you define real pleasure and how do you define an artificial one? Is sex meant to be real and masturbation to be fake?
Let me put it another way... ok. masturbation is so limited and you can only have pleasure in some certain ways. The same things done in masturbation can also be done in sex too but by your partner. That's why I think getting pleasure by yourself cannot seem reasonable!
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Avatar_n_tn
i think masturbating is not something to get freaked out for it is a healthy thing.your son might be curious thats why hes doing it.
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im 13 and i masterbat 2 times a day
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i think its normale iv been doing it for 2 years becuase i like sexy girls but they dount like me even thought i love them
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Avatar_n_tn
i have a 9 year old and a 4 year old son. My 9 year old went thru it a little bit when he was younger and not to much anymore. not at least that i have seen. But my 4 year old, well thats a different story. I am always catching him touching himself or rubbing himself on my couch pillows. And i just tell him that i dont want to see that and he needs to take that to his room in private. He has asked why and shows no embarrassment with it. I think it depends on the child and the circumstance. But i think its normal. Altho, the definition of normal...well anyone that has multiple children can tell you that there is no measure for that...
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Avatar_f_tn
Seems to me like a lot of this is normal but as the parent of many kids - some in their 20's,most had their issues with 'keeping their hands where I could see them' while watching TV curled up in a blanket.  I would agree with the original responder that if I heard that someone 'freaked out' about a child masturbating that I would have a lot more questions.  I have seen and heard enough over 20+ years of parenting to know that everything is not what it seems. Children are sexual beings before birth and after but certain adults sexual them as small children .... there is a difference.  The original responder had some good thoughts and had to offer way too many humble thoughts and apologies to the hysterical poster.  Why?  I am a brand new poster as well - first time - but don't wish to have Stepford added to my list.
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Avatar_n_tn
Just a couple of comments re 'freaked out'.

First, I'd expect a man who didn't himself masturbate early and wasn't well informed to 'freak out' in the sense of a panic 'is something wrong with my child'. It's not an unhealthy reaction unless it's over the top. So, momof2 - I don't think you've got anything to worry about ... unless your husband stays 'freaked out' about the issue once better informed, in which case he might have hidden problems about his own sexuality, which could be a problem around a child. I think this scenario unlikely in your fanily's case, but it does happen.

For the record, my son started 'playing with hinself' from about age 3 1/2, whereas I really didn't until about 13 - but fortunately I was well read on the subject, so just a little surprised at his ability to achieve a mini-erection ...
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755087_tn?1250928997
ive been doing it since i was 8 im 13 now if u tell him anything tell him to just do it in privacy masterbating (masturbating) is healthy for u and theres nothing wrong its safest sex ever
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Avatar_f_tn
I am dealing with this now, I am sooooo very glad to see I am not the only parent with these concerns. The experts say it is normal, but how do you know what is normal and when it is something you should be worried about?
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Avatar_n_tn
My daughter is 12 and she has been mastrubating since she was 5. When she was 5 she would go to a friends house and they would mastrubate not together but they didnt know it was mastrubation.Now shes 12 and mastrubates not with her fingers some how she says she feels only horny when she does that lol but she mastrubates in the shower I think its totally normal people should not flip out over a child expressing themselves in a normal but private way.
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Avatar_n_tn
theres nothing wrong with your husband im sure he just wants to make sure his kid isnt the bored one in the back of the class room beeting off, i personaly didnt start till i was 13 but who wouldnt play with it maybe hes matureing early
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Avatar_m_tn
nothing is wrong with him lol  im 17 and i started masterbating (masturbating) in the 3rd grade (i was 8 then)  but i didnt know it was a common thing poeple did i thought i had made a huge discovery!  haha just let him do his thing and it will work itself out i promise
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Avatar_m_tn
I have two boys a 9 year old and an 8 year old.  I guess, I wouldn't call it masturbation.  I call it playing with him self.  To me maturbation is what an sexually active person that knows what they are doing.  But, that is just my opinion.  I don't think it is the appropriate deffinition.  Anyway, my boys have "played" with themselves at several stages.  At 2 years old, at 5 years old and at 8 years old.  The reason I am answering this post is because my 8 year old is doing it now.  Although, it had never worried me before because like I said, the way they "play" with themselves doesn't happen like a "sexually expirienced" person would.  They have rubbed on furniture or in a funny way rubbed themselves in the bath.  But, never trying to hide.  When they were 2 I just redirected them to a new activity.  When they were 5 I explained that they shouldn't be doing it infront of others or with others because that was their private area and private areas are only for him and not for sharing with anyone else.  When they did it at 8 years old.  Welll, I am still trying to figure things out....and in the back of my mind I do get worried (freaked Out) and my mind wonders sometimes.  But, I think that as long as they are not doing it as an adult would, that you can be reasured that they have not been abused or seen inappropriate adult activity.  

On a side note, I don't think the the issue here is your husband.  We are all adults that have children with out getting training on it.  We are not perfect nor are we prepared for all that our children will bring now and in the future.  Mothers are naturally better at worring about our children. But follow your feelings. Good luck.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am 15 and i have mastrubated for as long as i can remember and i think it is fine to do as long as its in private and as long as it isnt causing damage.
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Avatar_f_tn
    You can't stop a boy from masturbating.  If you make an issue of it in any way, he'll just become more secretive and probably feel guilty.
    The best thing to do is when the conversation is right, just mention that you understand that doing that feels really good;  and that he might try to remember to close his bedroom door when he feels like doing that;  and you will try to remember to knock from now on.  Then give him a really big hug.
    If you think he's comfortable with the conversation, you could mention that doing that is perfectly ok for a boy his age.
    If you should accidentally walk in on him again, just give him a big smile and close the door.
    
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1989251_tn?1326767100
you've post this so long ago but i'll say what i have to say just because someone else could benefit from it

i'm a 20 years old female and i was 10 years old when i started masturbating .. i have no idea why i did it but i was sexually abused when i was 6 and again when i was 8 so thats might be where i came with the idea from .. i've never told any one about this ... as a child i used to believe that it was my fault that i was sexually abused ...
anyways ... i've had my shame and shed my tears for the longest time .. but i turned up fine .. i still sometimes masturbate even though i try to quit its hard ... but i'm nice to people i'm good i'm loved i'm 20 and still a virgin and i am really proud of my self ... so give your son the love he needs and deserve and he will not let you down ^ ^
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Avatar_m_tn
to Lily you should not feel shame or guilt because you were abused. You where to young to defend youself or to realize what was being done wasn't  right. Masturbation is normal as the day is and night. at your age it feels good you understand what you are doing and why. Don't feel quilty for making yourself feel good. Orgasms release tension and pent up feelings .  Masturbation is one way to achive this. Your still a virgin so you don't want to have sex with just anyone it has to be the right one. Until that right one comes along enjoy yourself and stop feeling its wrong.
Mom of 2 I am 59 father of 4 3 girls and a boy. When I was 5 my mom caught me rubbing on my pillow. She was angry and scolded me and told me to never let her see me doing it again. Well I didn't but I kept right on doing it cause it felt good.
   When I was 7 I was molested by the neighbors son he was 17. I didn't say anything to anyone cause 1 I enjoyed what he did to me but not what he had me do to him. 2 Mommy said not to let her see me so I figured that I'd get in big trouble if I said anything.
  At age 10 I had a friend that realized his first erection and he went dancing around the restroom showing it off. At 16 I was in the Boy Scouts and we had a lad just turned 11 doing oral sex to his fellow scouts. this wasn't normal and I reported it to my scoutmaster who in turn had a talk with the boys Dad.
  As a father I went through most of these same stages with each of my kids. Each had their own time own age for each stage. Remembering how I felt when caught I never scolded any of them but did sit down and talk to them so did my wife.
  What is normal for one may not be normal for someone else. Most boys find their penis and wonder what that thing is? they start pulling on it and it reacts by getting hard then it feels good. so its cool to play with and the add bonus is that it feels good. Girls are no different they wash and wipe their vaginas  and they realize that rubbing produces a good feeling. So they experiment and learn that if they touch themselves in a certain way it feels good.
  Now to address freaking out. Your husband may have grown up in a strict family where sex wasn't talked about and he may have had to learn on his own about sex. That could account for his reaction. He just isn't sure that its normal but I assure it is. If your husband is to unsettled to talk to you son then you should. assure him what he is doing is normal and okay to do only to keep it private.
  You know its a dam shame kids come with out operating instructions. Also that parents don't get a book of instructions when they leave the hospital. It all works its self out in the long hall but thats why they make hair dye lol. Good Luck and God Bless.

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