9 yr old daughter will not sleep in her room

Ok, this is the 5th forum i have tried.  I am at my wits end.  My husband and I divorced in 2008.  She has not been to see him in 4 months.  She has been sleeping on the sofa since.  She started with "daddy said mean things to me"  then it was "i'm scared" then the magical tummy ache started, now its "I get scared easily"  In her room, she has an over abundence of toys, a stereo, lights, too many stuffed animals to count but yet, will not sleep in there.  She can throw a tempter tantrum like there is no tomorrow, to the point of making herself sick.  But the minute she hits the sofa, it magically stops.  Sofa has healing powers apparently.  I have a boyfriend who lives here with us who lately is the closest thing to a father she has, and we have tried countless of times to get her to make a valid attempt to sleep in her room.  We tell her, give it 2 hours, if you are not sleeping by then, then you can go on the sofa.  But she comes out with "Why do I have to wait that long?!"  and the temper flies.  Between all of us, the screaming matches are unreal and I am wick of it.   We have tried the reward system, the point system, everything, but the minute we mention lets try sleeping in your room, instant temper tantrum.  I have gone in there and sat with her, played with her, read books, but the minute i say good night?  WATCH OUT!  BOOM fireworks.  She tells me that she wants to be closer to my boyfriend and I when she sleeps, i flat out refuse to let her sleep in our room.  And before anyone thinks that having him here is the issue, its not, he has been here for almost 2 years and trust me, nothing "funny" goes on with us when she is home.  I just dont know what to do anymore, I want her to sleep in her room.  It got to the point this morning when we mentioned the words "sleep and room" to her, I picked her up off the sofa and overturned the sofa, face down it sat on the floor.  told her GAME OVER.  she continued to pitch a fit, yelling NANA HELP ME, nana cant help her, nana wants her to sleep in there too.  She comes out with "everyone hates me, everyone doesnt care about me, everyone thinks i am stupid, no one cares that I get scared"  Let me point out that she is also ADHD and was on concerta until I heard nightmares about that medicine, in process of getting her new meds.  This was alot worse when she was on concerta.  She just wont sleep i her room, I need some advise as to how to get her in there at night.  I really want my living room back.

[margypops]

First of all check out by gentle questioning with out scaring her that nothing has happened to upset her,perhaps allow her the sofa for a short time telling her, we are going to set a date for you to sleep in your own room ,and work towards it, when the night comes along take her things , occupy then sofa yourself and tell her ,quietly, no yelling , that she has to go and sleep in her room, if you are consistant she will realise there is no alternative , and comply .Now if anything untoward has happened in her life to make her afraid to be in a bedroom by herself it may  not go away, I suggest you get some counselling for her, and see if you can fiind out what happened.Good Luck

[Igiveup2010]

I have her in counceling but she will not tell the councelor what is going on either.  I have actually layed on the sofa and she decided to lay on the floor.  She is very persistant about this.  The phantom tummyaches, the comment she came out with once...."i dont feel like myself"  We have tried the set a date thing, we said "ok, we will start making the attempts to sleep in your room friday night because there is no school on saturday and if she is up late it will be ok"  That didnt even work.  She is too heavy for me to pick up and move once she passes out.  but I just dont get it.  I can understand her wanting to be closer to my boyfriend and I because she feels like her father forgot about her, but at 8pm, my living room closes to the public.  Company comes, we pile in the bedroom and watch a movie so she can go to sleep on the sofa.  I have been told she is being selfish and yes, i believe she is.

[margypops]

There you go then you know the answer, so just be firm if you are certain she is just selfish send her to her room .if you are consistant she will get it ...

[Victoria01]

In your post you write that she said "daddy said mean things to me". What mean things? Was it mean enough to scare her or was it just mean because she didn't get her way?

You say she is just being selfish, and that may be true, but you also say that it may be because she thinks her father forgot about her. That's the real issue that needs to be dealt with.

Yes, forcing her to go to bed and being consistent is the only way you are going to get her to learn to sleep there again, but she needs help dealing with her father.

[Igiveup2010]

Oh i know she needs to deal with her father.  Believe me, I know.  He wont bend and just call and take her to lunch, she wants to go over there but does not want to sleep there, he will not bend and say thats ok, wants her to sleep there.  My issue is the temper tantrums when I try to force her to go in her room to sleep at bedtime.  They are so bad that it sounds like shes making herself sick.  What her father said to her "if you dont come see me, i wont be your daddy" but he denies that.  The way he talks to her makes her feel bad and I know that feeling, he did it to me for years.  We are going to try the "if you cant fall asleep in an hr and a half, then go on the sofa" thing this weekend.  I dont know what else to do.  you mention her room and her sleeping in it, she freaks out.

[Sandman2]

   Unfortunately, she has learned that the temper tantrums work.  One way to stop it is to let the tantrums roll.  She gets sick - she gets sick.  The first couple of nights will be hell.  But if you have tried everything else. its probably time to let it rip.  I would probably make a Friday night the effort.  
  Only other thought is to send the couch in for reupholstering (or something).  In other words get rid of the couch for awhile, and see what happens.  I've got a feeling that it is not so much the couch as being out with you guys and maybe the comfort or staying up late.  ADHD kids do have trouble winding down at night.  Many times Doctors will prescribe something to help them do so.  You might also want to check that out.

[Sandman2]

Note:  I just did a search for sleep on the ADHD forum.  Lots of interesting stuff, not many answers.  found this that might help.
   http://www.medhelp.org/posts/ADD---ADHD/7-yr-old-boy-who-refueses-to-sleep/show/528275

   Look at the last one by Musicmama

  Good Luck

[Sandman2]

   Thinking more, If you do give the" let the temper go" thing a shot - which because I think its mainly behavioral manipulation - is one way to deal with it, don't make it a surprise.  Tell her at least one hour before hand what is going to happen.  Ask her if she has any ideas how to make her room more comfortable for her, because that is where she is going to be.  And then ask her the same question the next day, and the following day, etc.
  Another thought on the couch thing.  If the pillows are removable, take them off and put them on her bed.  Or put her bed in the living room and the couch in the bedroom.  This is all kind of crazy, but I think it's more about the location then the couch.

[Igiveup2010]

We have tried the "the sofa is going in your room, your bed is going in the shed' thing....i took the cushions off the thing and she still slept on it.  you are right Sandman, think i will let the tantrums flare and try to walk way from them.  I start a new job tomorrow morning, so what if i go in like a zombie right?  I have had everyone in my family talk to her to see if they could find out what is wrong with her room nd she pitches a fit.  So i gave up asking.  I know alot of it has to do with her dad and how she feels about him.  If she is afraid that he is going to come and take her, shes wrong.  Tonight is the night, she knows she has to try and I can see it now...."I dont think I can, I get scared"   I am beginning to hate bedtime :(

[Igiveup2010]

Oh Let me add this....the tantrums, is it normal for her to come out with all these negative things during them?  Things like "No One Cares about me"   "I wanna go sleep someplace else"   She comes out with all this and other things and really makes me feel like crap.  I was thinking about putting the TV back in her room and setting the timer on it.  I just dont know, at this point I will try anything.

[Sandman2]

    Ya, I think the fact she slept on the sofa with the cushions off really points out that it is the location and not the good, ole sofa that is the attraction.
   Yes, it really is normal.  Perhaps even more so with an ADHD child because they don't have the filters that other kids do.  However, I think that when any child or adult is throwing a tantrum they will say a lot of things that they would normally not say.  By the way, does she ever have tantrums at school?
    Yes, I probably would put the tv back in her room.  Deal with one thing at a time.  It is easier to get the tv out later on.  If you are on cable or sat., you can probably control the feed from the living room.
    Another thought, you might want to buy the book,  "The ADD/ ADhD Answer book." , by Susan Ashley.  (I got it through Amazon) It gives a lot of great ideas for working with ADHD kids.  In regards to tantrums, she says - " you cannot make your child stop his tantrum.  Therefore tantrum throwing children should be sent to time-out until the tantrum is over.  The child should be left alone to work himself out of the tantrum."  Which is basically what we are saying.  
   Do let her know ahead of time what is going to happen.  Make sure she gets up on time tomorrow and goes to school.   And repeat.    Good Luck.  Let us know what happens.

[Igiveup2010]

Well, we found out why she wont sleep in her room.  She was at her aunts this past weekend, she told her that the reason she wont sleep in there is this......she's afraid her father will come in and take her and hurt me.  Told her its not going to happen.  She wants to make sure we can hear her scream.  We have told her that she is safe in her own home but right now, we are not going to push the issue of her sleeping in there.  I will work on her with it and if need be, I will sit in there with her until she goes to sleep.  I have this hurtle to deal with now :/  Thanks for all the input nd I will keep ya all posted.

[Sandman2]

They have really cheap security systems you can put on a door that will make a big noise.  Or just change the locks and add a big deadbolt and a few chains across the door.  Ain't nobody gonna get in.   Good luck

[Igiveup2010]

Oh I changed the locks the day I threw him out.  Plus, the dog barks at leaves falling.  Then theres the boyfriend who jumps when i say "What was that noise"  There is no way in hell anyone can get in my house quietly  lol   She is suposed to go with her dad this weekend, its his weekend, she aint gonna go, so we agave up asking if she was.  Im not worried tho, rather have her home, at least I know where she is.