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I have two stepdaughters (aged 9 & 12) and have been married to their father for 5 years.  In the five years they've been coming here (3 out of 4 weekends each month, holidays, etc.) -they continue to be painfully shy - have made no friends in our neighbourhood and cannot carry on even a simple conversation with anyone but their dad.  My own 14 & 17 year olds are busy, active with lots of friends/activities, doing well in school, etc.  No matter what I've tried, these 2 girls just stick to themselves, play in the basement all day long and avoid even being in the same room with anyone but their dad.  They can't even have a conversation with their own grandparents!  The school notified the parents they had seen some antisocial behaviour and the girls were put in a counselling program for about 6 months at school last year.  Supposedly they are fine now but there has been no change here - same antisocial, immature behaviour.  It is probably important to note that their mother is clinically depressed (goes on and off her medication) and does not have any social life.  My question is - how do I get my husband (who is understandably defensive) to see the problem and take action to try and help these girls?  He keeps telling me my standards are too high, then we fight then he disappears with the two of them for the rest of the day, isolating them even more from developing through normal social interactions.  Can you help??

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Deb,

You may already have done what you can do. That is, you have attempted to convey your concerns to the girls' father, thus far to no avail. Of course you can't make him believe anything - all you can do is express your concern in a reasonable fashion.

Perhaps your husband would be willing to sort out the issue witha mental health professional. Such a person could meet with you and your husband, and the two girls, and then engage in some conversation about your perspectives.

As you can already tell, it will do no good for this to become a point of dispute and conflict with your husband. This will only exacerbate the situation.

And remember, at the bottom line, you may eventually have to resign yourself to the reality of being the best parent you can be while the girls are with you, regardless of what else is going on. You cannot determine what is going to happen in the girls' other household.