ADHD stepson is moving in.......

Chosing a topic area for this one was tough. My almost 14 yr old stepson is moving in with us in 2 months. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2 1/2. My SS was diagnosed as ADHD at 5 years. His older sister was also diagnosed as ADHD at about 7. Now we know, after living thru absolute hell with her, that she has borderline personality disorder. The docs say that she is not ADHD and likely never should have been diagnosed as such. She became physically violent and more than a little scary. Sleeping under the same roof with her was a nightmare when she lived with us for almost a year. My SS has a somewhat different personality, but I see much of his sister's behavioral patterns developing in him. The hell of living with the SD has resulting in me dreading the arrival of her brother more than I can describe. There is no peace when he's here. He is an absolute cyclone. Reading a book or watching TV or having a conversation is impossible. I don't deal well with constant chatter and movement.  It drives me absolutely crazy. I feel like I've been sentenced to a 4 year prison term and have been told to report to my cell in 2 months to begin serving my sentence.  What can I do to learn to live with this constant chaos that this poor child forces me to live thru?    

[RockRose]

It sounds like what you need to do is set up a bedroom for him where he can retreat and have his own things.  

I have a hard time picturing a 14 year old guy who would choose to hang out with his stepmom all the time.  I think he'd rather be with his friends,  or in his room,  etc.

When you set up his room you could make it like a lounge area - that worked REALLY well for both my teenage boys - with a single bed against the wall (with no bed frame,  mattress and box springs on the floor)  that serves as a "couch",  and other seating like a loveseat or floor chairs,  a small TV,  a playstation with some favorite games,    a computer if you have one (doesn't have to be internet necessarily if you don't trust him,  but can have games).  

In the past when he's visited you he probably didn't have an area that was his own with all lhis own stuff so he had some place to go.

Best wishes.

[worried stepmom]

Thanks for the input.  He has had his own room here for quite some time, complete with most of the standard teenage boy stuff......video games, tv, etc.  But, oddly enough, his craving for interaction supercedes most everything else. From what I understand, his behavior outside of his mother's home (just comes on very, very strong and has no "off" button) causes him a shortage of friends his own age. She says that the only kids that will play with him range from 5-8.  And those parents have reported concerns about him being far too big and too rough for their little ones. When my own two sons were this age, they were always with friends, hanging out, starting to show the typical signs of independence. While my SS is outgoing and makes friends easily, he doesn't keep them for long.  I've never known a child to be this dependent on the immediate family for all of his social interaction. I know I must sound horrid.  And I certainly don't mean to.  I want to do what's best for this child. I just don't know that I can handle him for very long. I feel like this is much bigger than me.  I'm usually a pretty tough ole chick, but this situation gets the better of me. I don't want to alienate him or make him miserable, so I usually end up retreating to the bedroom or a girlfriend's house instead of correcting him.  Hard to live like that in your own home.    

[worried stepmom]

Thanks for the input.  He has had his own room here for quite some time, complete with most of the standard teenage boy stuff......video games, tv, etc.  But, oddly enough, his craving for interaction supercedes most everything else. From what I understand, his behavior outside of his mother's home (just comes on very, very strong and has no "off" button) causes him a shortage of friends his own age. She says that the only kids that will play with him range from 5-8.  And those parents have reported concerns about him being far too big and too rough for their little ones. When my own two sons were this age, they were always with friends, hanging out, starting to show the typical signs of independence. While my SS is outgoing and makes friends easily, he doesn't keep them for long.  I've never known a child to be this dependent on the immediate family for all of his social interaction. I know I must sound horrid.  And I certainly don't mean to.  I want to do what's best for this child. I just don't know that I can handle him for very long. I feel like this is much bigger than me.  I'm usually a pretty tough ole chick, but this situation gets the better of me. I don't want to alienate him or make him miserable, so I usually end up retreating to the bedroom or a girlfriend's house instead of correcting him.  Hard to live like that in your own home.    

[Cleveland Mom]

You don't sound horrid, you sound like you are being realistic and mentally preparing yourself for your stepson's arrival in your home.  Have you talked to your spouse about your concerns?  If so why not? If you have discusssed this issue with him, what are his feelings, take on the situations and does he share similar concerns about this boy?

I think you need a plan so-to speak.  You need to have some basic ground rules set up for him to abide by.  You need to have some flexibility with a boy his age but there need to be some rules and boundries in place.  Remember to he is going to have to deal with some re-adjustment issues too.  Best wishes...

[RockRose]

Has he had any medication that were successful in helping him?

I know a lot of people disagree with medicating children,  and I agree that too many kids are medicated when other solutions would work just as well,  but he really sounds like it would improve the quality of his life.

Best wishes.

[worried stepmom]

Thanks for more feedback.  I guess I should have given more info in my initial post, but there wasn't enough space.  

Yes, my SS is on meds.  Probably too many meds.  That's one of the things that concerns both his dad and me.  My SS is taking FIVE and SIX pills daily.  Three pills in the morning, 1 or 2 in the afternoon (for "maintenance") and a tranquilizer at night.  He lives with his mother for now.  She's a HEAVY drinker and laughs often about how a 6 pack of beer and a handful of xanax are her best friends.  Since meeting her and spending more time around my SS, my feeling is that the mom, because of her own additions, is using the RXs as a babysitter in a bottle for her son.  I am not totally against medicated kids that need to be medicated, but SIX PILLS A DAY?  That simply cannot be good for the child.  He gets NO behavioral therapy, either at home or via the doc's office....just PILLS.  Everything I've read on the subject of ADHD indicates that medication is likely necessary, but that working with the child both at home and professionally is at least as important as the blasted meds.  

I supposed that my biggest concern is that, at 14, I don't know how possible it is to completely "re-conditional" this child to control his behavior and to fit in better and be more accepted by peers.  The concept seems foreign to him.  

And, yes, his dad and I have spent countless hours talking about how we're going to approach this.  I truly believe that his dad wants to do everything humanly possible to help him, and he SAYS he wants to always talk openly about all of these issues.  But the conversations are often so frustrating that I end up wishing I hadn't gotten them started.  My husband is likely ADHD himself and he seems to have an innate ability to get defensive about his son's behavior without reasons that are apparent to me.  He seems to discount much of his son's behavior OR excuse it because of the ADHD.  I can clearly see that he attaches a stigma to the whole thing and it often keeps him from being objective.  There's a sense of denial of the severity of his son's behavior, and sometimes, I feel that he feels that I just have a short fuse in the tolerance department.  I've raised 2 boys of my own and had herds and herds of kids hanging out in my house over the years.  

I promise you, my fuse is long.  I do acknowlege, however, that the constant, more-than-hyper activity is something that just grates on my very last nerve.  I don't deal well with that.  It's new to me as far as my own household goes.  I tend to just back away from loud, obnoxious adults when I have the opportunity...or at least, I don't gravitate toward them.  It's a bad feeling, when my SS is here, to dread coming home.  

We've requested some counseling and are awaiting a schedule for that.  For my husband and me before my SS arrives and then for all three of us after his arrival.  I need to be taught how to cope with this and how to help my SS at home.  And my husband will need to learn that his guilt for being away from his SS so much can't override establishing some structure and some limits for him when he arrives.  For now, knowing that the move is only 2 months away, I go to bed every night feeling like I have a truck parked on my chest.  I get in the frame of mind that I need to maximize these last 2 months of 'freedom' while I can.  But then....the dread sets back in and I find myself not being able to enjoy this time because of the sense of impending disaster.  Because of my SS's visits here (sometimes short and sometimes all summer) in the past, I know what lies ahead.  It's not that I'm just imagining the worst.  When he's here, my home goes from a fairly quiet, always peaceful one to 24/7 Mardis Gras.  (okay...now I'm just venting, so I'll hush)

[PJJane]

First things first.  You have the absolute right to be every bit as angry as you are.  You didn't create this 'monster' but you will have to deal with the consequences.  Your husband can't be quite on the same page, first because it's his son but he may feel quite a bit of guilt over the situation.  (I know you know this, but it's still good to hear.)

I don't know if this will be much help, but I would like to share some of my experiences with Foster-to-adopt children; really difficult foster children from horrible environments.  Children that literally scream and run, throw things and call names and at first seemed to me like they need to be in a lockdown facility rather than my home!

Make your plan now and stick to it.  How will you react when he smarts off?  How will you react when he's not really doing anything wrong but is just so restless and loud that you want to scream?  When will he eat lunch?  When will he brush his teeth?  He needs structure, and a lot of it.

After about 2 months of stable atmosphere, with set regular meals, bedtimes, discipline, medications, and therapy, he just may start to calm down.  (The truth is,  you just don't know how bad his life might be right now - it might be way worse than you know).  Be prepared for a short haul of wanting to tear your hair out, with frequent breaks away from the house by yourself or with girlfirends, long baths, "alone time" for you where he is not permitted to bother you.  There is nothing wrong with telling him all the things you think are wonderful about him (this may involve some creativity at first!), but telling him what bothers you as well and that you frankly need a break from the behavior.  Tell him this when you're calmer and take the break early, rather than blowing up at him later.

Search desperately for ways to encourage him - when you see the slightest behavior you approve of (reading a magazine, talking in a calm voice), tell him how proud you are and praise him.  Don't go overboard, make it convincing by being convinced.  Once, I had a very gifted practicing Clinical Psychologist as a professor in a behavior modification class at University and she said that the best way to modify someone's behavior is to credit them with the desired behavior already.  

Example:  I wanted my newly-placed 14 yr old who got in fights every day to stop fighting.  She would talk about who did what and what made her mad every day, and who she wanted to hit.  Every time she would mention the slightest behavior or reaction I wanted to encourage i.e. "I just turned my head away" I would say "That's great, you really handled that well.  You're not letting her decide how you're going to act any more.  You are really learning how to deal with people that bug you."  Soon she seeing herself in the image I was projecting and I'm telling you, the change has been nearly miraculous.  In and out of facilities for years and now she is doing so well with us.

When kids are out of control and you are the parent (not the therapist), take a practical approach to gain control.  Don't analyze or excuse the reasons he's yelling, jumping on the couch, whatever.  Deal with the behavior only. If he yells, simply say "I would love to talk with you, but loud voices bother me.  If you can't lower your voice, please go to your room/outside/whatever."  (My experience is this MUST be coupled with so much praise for calm and modified behavior on his part.)  

Another practical approach for the hyper child: wear him out.  When he break the rules?  Don't give him time out, put him on what my friend lovingly calls "Mom's Chain Gang".  Chores, hours of them if the 'crime' warrants.  This expends energy, serves as a detractor from bad behavior AND gets your house clean, all at the same time.  All of these things are good for you, and what is good for you is good for the family.

Also, if there are sports you can get him into - sports camps, swimming, do it.  He may find admiration and friendship blossoming out of his currently out of control energy.

Obviously, nothing works for everyone but it's not hopeless.  If a solid plan fails after a trial period (as I said before, my personal trial period is two months), try a different approach.  After all, you married your husband so must have found much to love about him.  It's likely that your stepson has similar qualities under that mess somewhere. It is slow and painstaking and takes energy, but ask yourself how you want your household to run and put your energy into controlling those behaviors.  

To sum up, these are some rules that have served me pretty well.  Some or all of them might work for you as well:  protect yourself (mind and body) with frequent breaks and frankness, find things to praise frequently, keep a stable schedule for him (meals, early bedtime), stress frequent activity and get him involved in sports, and use the CHAIN GANG for discipline.  Maybe you'll still be pulling your hair out but you'll have the cleanest refrigerator and shiniest bannister on the block.

Oh...and keep your sense of humor.  This too shall pass.  As you said, at the worst you know you'll be parolled in 4 years, at the best you might really change someone's life for the better and get something out of it for yourself to boot - someone to love that loves you back.  He's not his sister and if you develop a firm plan of action to address situations and stick to them like they are a raft on the open ocean, from day one, things will be better.

[Counting Down]

Oh my goodness, your life sounds identical to mine except BM and BD refuse to put my 14 year old stepson on meds who I lovingly refer to as Tigger.  It is like having Tigger living with you.  I am the same about craving peace and just calmness, and there is none when he is there.  I finally went to a doctor myself to get meds just to help me not care anymore at least for the next four years.  He even gave me something extra stronger just for the weekends he visits, which is every weekend and all summer!  It is almost more than I can handle, and I obviously can't discipline him either because he totally dismisses me.  I have an 11 year old and 5 year old as well who are extremely laid back and well disciplined because I have raised them from birth and have been very strict, but SS's BM has not been strict at all.  I literally keep a calendar and mark the months off until he graduates high school!  Anyway, write back if you like, it is good to know there is someone who understands.  


Signed
Counting Down