I am very concerned about my behavior as a child. I'm 21 now and have been remembering alot from my childhood. I know that sexual play between children is normal, however when i was 5 yrs old my 7 yr old sister suggested we kiss each others "privates" which we both did. I know this was abnormal and I'm so upset and at a loss to know where she got this information from. I also remember after this time I became very sexual and would be aroused by kissing and with other children I would seem to want sexual play with them alot..but i never repeated the experience I had with my sister..i just feel so distraught about this whole thing now.
Often children who have been sexually abused will act out in ways like your sister did. She, in turn, exposed you to a sexual act which you developed a preoccupation for sex at a young age, and you're having issues with it now. I'm wondering if your sister experienced some sexual abuse from someone in proximity to your family. 7 isn't really old enough to come up with these things on your own. If this is the case I would not doubt that your sister has trouble with this as well, unless she supressed the memory and internalized it, as children often do. I think for your case, you should see a counselor who can maybe help you sort out your feelings involving this event and your childhood situation in general, and can steer you in the direction of healing.
i grew up with a father who drank; there was a lot of domestic violence in the house. we moved frequently (his job moved us a lot). we were isolated from family throughout childhood. he was sexually abusive towards my mother (heard and infrequently witnessed). he was violent towards me (verbally, physically, psychologically). at 4 my mother says i was a happy child, but between four and five i changed and became silent, fearful and avoided any physical contact with my father. i was sexually precocious, and by 7 was masturbating to orgasm and starting fires and showing signs of cruelty to non domestic animals. at 7 i started to seek out dogs, my house, other peoples houses, to let them lick my genitalia.
i was brought up catholic and struggled with intense feelings of anxiety, shame, disgust and fear of discovery with regards to my sexual play.
our father used to walk around the house often, just in underpants and almost as often, naked. right up until i was 15 and my parents separated; he had 4 daughters. we were all very uncomfortable with his nudity. he also used to ignore our right to privacy in the bathroom and often walked in on us naked and would get angry if we tried to cover ourselves because 'he was our father, how dare we treat him like that' (exhibiting shame and inhibition when caught naked).
i knew in grade 2 that 'white stuff' came out of a mans penis.
i am pretty sure at age 5 i tried to tell my mother that dad was doing something to me, she called him in and asked me to repeat it to them both. of course i tried, but he became excessively violent and angry and i never said anything again. in grade 2 i told a teacher something similar, and i was taken to the principals office where i was told to repeat my disclosure and warned that there would be a lot of trouble for our family, whether i was telling the truth, or found to be lying. i was so terrified that i agreed that i was lying and made it all up.
i am missing large blanks of my childhood. i get snapshots but there is a lot of emotional / physical reaction to trying to remember.
my sisters are all missing blanks in their childhood. they also have the same physical and emotional reactions to our father. discomfort being around him, feeling violated around him, feelings of illness in his presence. at one stage or another during our lives we have all individually asked our mother if it was possible that our father could have sexually abused us. as the wife of a violent, fear inducing man, locked into a marriage and kept away from her family and constantly battling to centre us as we moved from place to place she was unable to remember. he left us 30 years ago, but still the feeling lingers.
are we 4 girls just damaged by the domestic abuse and psychological abuse by our father during our childhood, or are our fears indicative of something more?
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