Absent Father

[jawkmw]

My son is 6 years old.His father and I split up before he was born because he was an alcoholic and had a drug problem.He saw my son when he was several weeks old and called at first but then just quit calling all together.He lives in a differant state and we don't have any contact with him.From what I hear he still has a pretty bad alcohol problem and he shows no interest in wanting to be a part of my sons life.Over the past year my son has starting asking where he is and if he can see or talk to him.I have tried to be honest with him but also give him as simple of an answer as possible.At first I told him his Dad lived very far away and that is why he doesn't get to see him.Then as his questions progressed and he pushed the issue farther I told him the truth that I didn't know where his Dad was or how to get a hold of him.This seems to make him mad and upset and he tells me that I need to look for him and find him so we can go see him.He says that he loves his Dad and he really wants to see him and talk to him.It breaks my heart to see him so upset and I don't know the best way to explain things to him in terms that he will understand.I am getting married in several months to a man that I have been with for almost 4 years.He is very good to my son and they have a very close relationship.He treats him just as if he were his own and he does all of things with him that a normal father would do.My son realizes that he is not his biological father.He says that he wants him to be his Dad wants we get married but that he wants to have 2 Dads.His "old Dad" and his new Dad.The last time my son asked me when we could go see his real Dad, I told him once again that I didn't know where he was at or how to get a hold of him.He got mad at me and said it was my fault because I wasn't trying hard enough to find him.So then I tried to explain to him that his father loved and cared about him but that some people just don't know how to be good parents.I also said he was lucky because he had someone that knew how to be a good parent that loved him very much and wanted to be his Dad and take care of him.He said " Well we can teach my Dad to be a good parent then".  I'm just not sure how to handle the situation or explain things to my son.I don't want to bad mouth his real Dad but at the same time I don't want to lie to my son.I also don't want to make him feel like there is something wrong with him.I have thought about calling his Dad to see if he would like to see or talk to him.I know he would probably say yes but I would have to take my son to see him (he would never take the initiative to come on his own) and then that would probably be the only time he ever would.I'm also not sure what his behaviour is like.I don't know if he is still drunk all the time or doing drugs.He is paying child support (started after he was put in jail)so it seems like he is a functioning alcoholic.I also don't want to cause problems between my fiancee and I and our family.Please hel

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

In such instances, the basic rule of thumb is to be truthful, in as simple and straightforward a way as possible. You can tell your son that his father has (has had) a problem, and this problem gets in the way of his being a responsible parent. You can tell him that the problem is his abuse of alcohol, and use one or more of the readily-available children's books on this topic to help you in the 'discussion' (which should be pretty brief). Also,  arrange for him to have a therapist with whom this topic can be addressed. The therapist can have some helpful face-to-face contact with your son and can also be a resource to you. As you can see, 'out of sight' is not 'out of mind' when it comes to absent parents. There's no point in pushing contact when his father is not invested. This will only result in frustration and disappointment. There's no way to make his father be more responsive and interested in his son. Finally, don't make assurances about his father loving him - you don't know what's in his father's heart, and there's no reason to say things that might well not be true.