Absentee father

  i don't know if this is a question that is commonly addressed in this forum, but I'll give it a shot and maybe someone can give me some advice.  I have an 11 month-old beautiful daughter who has never seen or had any contact with her "father".  Him and I only had a short relationship (about 2 months) and then he went AWOl.  He made one attempt to contact me about 2 months after she was born, (when he knew the specific due date) and his comments ranged from, "I want to see the baby", to "I don't know why you're mad", (about his abscence), "what was I supposed to do, come hold your hand?"
      Needless to say I didn't make the wisest decisions concerning choice of partner. I feel extremely guilty at times that my daughter will grow up without a dad. I know that she is being raised in a loving, caring enviroment--(myself,my parents,relatives), but I feel that I have destined her to live a life of mystery or disappointment.
      My question is, what should I say to her when the time comes and she asks of her dad? That I turned him away, that he was a drug user (which he was), that i didn't give it a good enough try? At what age should I allow her to try to contact him--if at all?
  Thank-you,
  Bearing the cross
  

[HVM Ph.D. - KDK]

Dear Heather,
Your question is quite appropriate for this Forum. In general, a sound rule of thumb with children is to tell the truth in a manner consistent with the child's age and abilities. As your daughter gets older, she'll be able to manage more of the specifics about her father and the relationship you had with him that resulted in her conception. But you won't be facing this in the foreseeable future. For now, it probably makes more sense to focus on being the best parent you can and on meeting your daughter's needs to the best of your abil;ity, utilizing the supports available to you. By virtue of your being a single parent right now, you certainly have not destined your daughter to a lifetime of misery or disappointment. Will your daughter, at different points in her life, have to deal with the circumstances of her birth? Sure she will. But many children are the offspring of relationships that, for whatever reason, did not work out particularly well. Those circumstances alone will not determine the quality of your daughter's adaptation. Children of single parents generally do quite well. More important than the issue of her father's absence is the quality of care your daughter will receive from you and others. When questions from your daughter eventually come, seek guidance from, and consultation with, pediatric mental health providers. And make use of children's therapeutic literature, now widely available. Relative to your last question, there is no definitive answer as to an age when it would be appropriate for your daughter, if she wishes, to seek out her father. Such a development generally does not occur until some time during the teen years, though this is not to say that your daughter won't have questions before that time.
This information is provided for general medical education purposes only. Please consult your physician for diagnostic and treatment options pertaining to your specific medical condition.
*Keyword: father absence, single parent