Adding a neglected child to the family

[MotherOf2+1]

My husband and I have had my niece for about 2 months now.  We are in our early 30s and have two children of our own. Our daughter is 8, our son is 7, and now we have my niece who is 7 also.  She has come from a mother who was 16 when she had her,  violent, absent (most of the time), mooch off of my mother, drug addict.  And my mother who has been her legal gaurdian for the past year or so is a dillusional, alcoholic, who thinks that she is getting married to rich men, and thinks that she is going to be famous.  We offered to take her many times, but couldn't legally do anything about it.  Now that she is 7 she is a mess!  She is very smart, and does well with reading and math, but she doesn't have any social skills.  My daughter is having to share a room with her, and bless her heart, she is very understanting.  The longer that she is with us the younger I realize she is.  She does things and reacts to things like a 3 to 4 year old.  My children are very well behaved and I can't seem to find a punishment that will change her actions.  She doesn't have respect for other people, other people's property, she lies and she is very sneaky.  I am about to my wits end and so is my husband.  I can't figure out if I should start treating her like a 3 year old and slowly try to bring her up to a 7 year old.  Should I keep my expectations of a 7 year old and keep trying to mold her that way?  Should I take all rope away and make her earn everything?  

I also know that it is better for her if she can talk to her mom and her previous gaurdian (My mom), but I think it does more harm then good.  Her mom is in jail again, at least for the time being, so I don't have to worry about her for a while,  but my mom came to visit last weekend.  We had felt like we had made a little bit of progress,  and after the visit we are back to square one.  Everything that was doing a little better, is now back full force.  Is it better to keep space for a while, because I think it's better for my family if she doesn't have to go backwards.

I need some new ideas for punishment!  Time outs don't phase her at all.  Going to her room doesn't do anything.  We finally trying spanking her butt, and that got a reaction for about 1 minute and that was it.  The other evening we went camping with a group of our friends and their kids, and she threw a huge rock at one of the other kids head.  The little boy then chucked a smaller rock at her thigh.  She was crying about what happened to her, and I told her that I didn't feel sorry for her, that she diserved it (harch but true).  Then I put her to bed without dinner.  That didn't even effect her,  she just went right to sleep!
What else can we try?

In the mean time my little family unit is warn out.  How long does it take to get a child to become plyable?  How do I work on her socal skills to bring them up to a 7 year old.  We are a very social family, but it is hard to take to friends houses if I can't get her to behave.  

Help Please,
Sara

[elaureat]

When I was younger I experienced what the 7 year old that you now have is going through.  I know that people will suggest counseling but that doesn't seem to be necessary yet.  She is in a new environment it is alot to deal with going from a drug addicted mother to an acoholic grandmother and now to what seems to be someone else's home.  She has to be worried about one will I have to go back, do they really want me here, and in those instants a child will act out to see how long you will put up with and if you will send them back.  I know that it is hard, when it comes to social activity but I would suggest letting the child come out of their shell at their own pace.  Keep encouraging group partcipation and good behavior but don't force socializing on her. Keep reassurring her that she is part of the family and that you all want her there.  Keep encouraging her and showing her that she is in a stable environment.  As far as the mother and the grandmother goes, explain to them that you would like them not to visit for a while or them to talk to her for awhile because  she is adjusting and you need that time for you and your family to help her adjust and let them know that you will call them and let them know how she is doing.  You will know when she is ready and able to deal with them again.  She seems to be very head strong, like my 7 year old.  The report thing is an excellent idea, for my 7 year old it was reading and writing a summary about what she read.  She loves reading now, so that is no longer punishment.  I will now take your idea about writing about what she has done wrong and how she will change it.

[fearfactor]

That is great, but I think she REALLY needs counseling.  It sounds like some type of attachment disorder and a psychologist or psychiatrist could help her.

[Trialanderror]

The report idea is so smart, I have to remember that for later. If your step-girl is starting to feel good about herself and once she feels fully settled in your family, take the time to pin-point when her social behavior goes haywire and then show here appropriate alternative ways of dealing with each other. She will probably learn just by watching your family life, however at age 7 a lot of reactions may me be so engraved that only a child psychologist might be able to steer her into a new direction. I am just thinking about myself having grown up in a daily-spanking environment and how hard it is for me even now to react calmly to various social situations. At least in the meantime you can work on explaining behavior models in social situations to her and help her understand her own emotions. Add a good portion of attention and love and your little adopted flower will blossom. Like Koukla said, I would make sure though that she doesn`t get torn back and forth between mother and grandmother until she herself feels that your family is her new and permanent home. Good luck.

[MotherOf2+1]

Well here we are a month later and things are looking better!  Not 100% yet, but much better!  We found a punishment that worked for her!  A report.  When she would hurt someone, or brake things, or something else big.  I would have her write a report.  One full page!  That is a lot or a 7 year old.  First part would be labeled 1) What did I do wrong?  The second part of the page is 2)  Why was that wrong?  The third part of the report is  3)  What am I going to change?

It makes her sit and think about what she did the whole time!  She hates it!!!  But has only had to do it a handful of times.  She started thing about her actions a lot more after that!  Now because we are not on her all the time, she is much happier now that she can be a good girl and still get attention.  We still have a lot to work on with socialization.  That will take more time.  If anyone else has any other ideas that would be great!

[koukla29]

Can you get your niece into counseling?  I think it's going to be a long road, but you and your husband are amazing for giving your niece a stable environment.  She is going to need lots of love and lots of time to adjust to a normal environment.  It sounds like she never had any of that.  She responds on the level of a younger child because she is most likely socially on 4 or 5 year old level.  She can grow into her age of 7, but it's going to take time and consistency to get her there.  Whatever discipline you use - even if it seems ineffective continue to use it.  She needs to understand when she does x, y will happen - everytime.  In addition, make sure to give her a lot of positive attention so she can understand there are many good ways to get attention versus bad ways that will get her a consequence.  Somewhere deep inside her, I think there are messages of "nobody loves me or cares about me."  her lack of respect could signify that she has never felt valuable, and so how could she be expected to treat anyone or anything of value?  I think she is a sad little girl right now, but she is so young I know she will not stay in this position if she stays with your family.  The fact that your family is very social and your children sound very accepting and understanding will only positively impact this little girl.  I would reccomend a counselor for her - even a family counselor to help the entire family in dealing with this big change.

I would advocate against visits from your mother and sister until your niece is completely bonded to your family and truly understands she will not be given away/ or back to them.  You could let mom know that your niece needs some time to realize her new living situation.  best wishes to you.  I think that you will see positive changes within the future.

[jen4]

Just give her time I know it is hard right now me and my husband went through it all when we got custody of his son who had been abused and neglected and she is just trying to see how far she can push you guys and to see if you really care about her have you thought about getting her counseling ?  it dose not work for everyone but it is form my step son i wish you luck and all i can say is time