Advise on discipline.

[alice0308]

Hello. I have doubts on a trouble and I would like some advise: about a month ago, I drove my seven year old to the house of one of his school mates to prepare a homework. After the work they began to play, and in what I consider an accident, the boy, another schoolmate and my son broke a piece of a furniture, injuring a little the younger brother of the boy. After take care of the little, the mother spanked bare bottom the three boys, including mine. I thought my son was the most affected, because we do not spank our children. There are better ways to discipline, and from the results we see, we think we took the best decision. Back in our home, the buttocks of my son was only a little red and he didn't feel to much pain. We decided to forget the thing.
But, in a couple times since then, I had to discipline the boy for some mischief. The two times the boy asked me if I was going to spank him, looking a bit nervous. Of course I didn't do that.
Last weekend my boy had a big argument, that I won't discuss, with another boy from our neighborhood. After learned what happened, I ordered my son to apologize with the other boy. He refused several times, although I made clear to him I would punish him. Finally my son told me he wanted to be spanked rather than apologize. My son is spending the day in his room, refusing to obbey, and my husband suggested that, for this time only, we should gave him a light spanking and make him apologize anyway. Since I prefer not to spank him, I would like an advise on how to react on these cases.
Thank you for your time.  

[SL345]

I strongly support the idea of not spanking kids, although I know many parents believe in their right to use corporal punishment. I find it rather outrageous that another parents felt she had license to spank your child, no less on his bare bottom. I have a big problem with this. I think you need to talk to you son and help him process the experience of being spanked. How did he feel when it was happening? Afterwards? Does he think spanking is a good idea? Why? How does he feel about the way you discipline him? Explain to him why you've chosen not to spank and why you believe that what you're doing is just as effective. Have him make a list with you of punishments that might be acceptable to both of you and use those when he misbehaves. Talk to him about his reasons for not apologizing and see if you can influence him to reconsider his decision. By the way, why won't he apologize? Does he have a valid point?

[rilbrianne]

I think the other mother crossed the line... you are responsible for his punishment, not her.  Although I highly disagree with the above statement "have him make a list with you of punishments that might be acceptable..."  I don't think a child should be able to make the rules.  I think you and your husband make the rules.  Kids are starting to take over and it's not a good idea.  Don't let your children walk all over you.  Be firm, and loving, but firm.

I will not bicker about spanking or not, it's a matter of personal choice but I doubt that these kids are traumatically affected by a spanking.  A good pat on the behind for misbehaving isn't going to cause any sort of trauma to a child.  Beating would but that's a whole different conversation.  

[RockRose]

I  kept hoping someone else would say this so I wouldn't have to look disturbed.  : (

I think you have a problem.  I think a mother pulling his pants down and spanking him and his friends has created in him a desire to be spanked.  

This is a child who seems to want to be spanked.  I think I would march over to that other mom's house and box her ears til they ring.

There,  I said it.

[AHP84]

I totally agree with RR on this.
I'd be furious if someone besides myself, my son's father, or his grandparents spanked my son, especially on the bare butt! I do not have any issues with spanking your own children if the discipline needs to be that tough, but I don't EVER spank on the bare skin of the butt.
Oooohhh, I'd be so p*ssed if some person felt they had the right to tell my son to drop his drawers, expose his bare butt to them, and then they would spank him! To me, this is not just crossing the line of disciplinary measures on a child that isn't yours, but it's abuse and borderline molestation--in my opinion. No one has the right to touch my child's naked butt like that--traumatizing to him or not!

Quite honestly, I think this is the issue with your son if he'd never been spanked before, and like RR said, now it's like a "desire" for him because it's a quick, easy way out. If he refuses to apologize, then let it be. Don't give in to spanking him if that's what he wants. Ground him and take away video games, movies, favorite toys, a particular family outing, etc. (whatever applies) for a week. If he still doesn't apologize, then at least he faced some sort of consequence that wasn't an easy out for him or that is something he'd want and expect.