Afraid I'm losing control...how to handle his aggression

[Luvmyson_enuf2c]

My beautiful talented 9yr old son is developing a truly deep ugly side.  He is becoming defiant, aggressive physically and seems to think school is not worth the effort.  
As long as I can remember he has had a nasty lil temper ( we thought was cute) and always kept us on our toes. Now the last year it's turned into being wrote up at school for chocking a classmate , calling the lunch lady a douche bag , constantly "accidentally" hurting his lil brother to punching me in my face clawing at my skin and calling me a *****. As I'm writing this I'm crying because I can't control him. We work thru it and he calms down and truly is a different boy. Honestly he can't control it either.
No ADD or ADHD. He has never been diagnosed w/ a disorder but I have made a appointment for a couple of wks from now. I'm lost afraid what might be wrong it's probably my fault.  I know it's my fault for waiting so long to get him to counseling .
What can I do unroll then to get his attention and help his anxiety. Something that will make him want to control himself and calm down.
I've tried all the basics timeout taking away his games, grounding him ect. Please need a new approach some new tactics.
The point I realized I couldn't do it w/ out help was this week end when his dad said something about maybe having to euthanize his dog (he bit someone) he grabbed the shotgun and pointed it at his father. He would never but the fact that it even popped in his head was too much.

      This is my son my life my reason... And this is me reaching out for some real true sound advice that comes from knowledge and the heart. This is a sensitive subject for me as his mother. <3  
    Thank you ....

[Sandman2]

   Dang, did not get the message.  Not sure if you have to ask to be friends first for messages to go through.  I think that notes will go.  I should know this stuff, been around long enough.
  I really am curious about my question about how he was diagnosed for the ADHD.  He certainly has many of the symptoms.  I actually had kids diagnosed in 5th grade.  They were intelligent, with sharp verbal parents, sailed through 3 grades, began to have problems with math in 4 grade, hit 5 grade and were pulling C's in several subjects and just falling apart.  I knew they were intelligent from personal discussions with them and put in for testing.  I can specifically remember two kids that went from C's to A's almost overnight once meds were started.
   Teacher said he was bored.  bored is also not paying attention - a classical sign.   He is giving up at school.  Kids who do well don't give up.  Kids who are frustrated do.  In fact, frustration, was always my first clue that something was up.  And, homework can be very painful if it takes you 2 hours to do what the other kids are doing in 30 min.   So I really think you need to relook at the ADHD or most probably ADD thing.   So here is a link to a kind of general symptom list from CHADD for both ADD   http://www.help4adhd.org/en/about/what/WWK8    and ADHD
    http://www.help4adhd.org/en/about/what/WWK1
   The problem is that these don't really deal with the effects of AD/HD after being undiagnosed.
      But whether or not he has AD/HD,  the following links are for dealing with anger issues of a child (usually with ADHD), but they are very good practices and should be helpful to you.
      http://www.chadd.org/Portals/0/AM/Images/Understading/AUG01AngerOverloadinChildren-DiagnosticandTreatmentIssues.pdf
      http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/88/slide-1.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=June
      This is tough to do, but worth trying - http://www.impactadhd.com/manage-emotions-and-impulses/how-to-stop-add-madness-and-get-happier-kids-and-parents/
        And finally an overall approach to parenting that you might find helpful.  While it deals with the ADHD child the ideas will work for most kids.
          http://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/attention-deficit-disorder-adhd-parenting-tips.htm
     Well, these should keep you busy for awhile.  Do let me know how he was tested for ADHD.  Keep in touch
  

[Sandman2]

   Thanks for the extra info, it is helpful.  Wanted to get back to you in case you couldn't find the book.  This is the authors website with a link to buy the book via amazon (upper left corner).    http://raisinglions.com/
   I will be getting back to you when I get a bit more time.
And yes, now I do understand the gun incident.  I was out shooting with my dad by age 11 or 12.   I will be getting back to you.

[Luvmyson_enuf2c]

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I sent you a msg not for sure if it went thru, hopefully it did. :) . Yesterday when I was writing my concerns and questions telling our story briefly it never occurred to me how it read or came across about the incident w/ my son and the rifle. Feeling the need to eloborate a little more I am posting this  so it's understood somewhat better. We are a hunting family and it's turkey season! My husband and son just returned home from hunting. We were unloading the truck and cleaning up to get things squared away. The rifle was leaning on the cabinet next to us. My husband and I were discussing our dog and the biteing incident that had just occurred earlier in the week. This is when my son picked up the rifle and said "you kill my dog and I'll shot you" . he would of never but the words and actions even crossing his mind made my heart stop and was a big red flag.
The appointment he has is w/ a behavioral specialist/ child psychologist. Just this year was the first time a teacher has contacted me for a personal conference. She wanted to discuss his behavior changes and deliberately disobeying . Also he started writing "BillyBob" on his papers instead of his name. My son has always done extremely well in school excelling in math and 3 grades ahead in his reading. She actually had to move him up on his reading level because he was bored. Now it's a almost impossible to get homework done doesn't tell me about assignments and is writing like a preschooler. I just don't understand and nothing seems to work w/ him.  Since he was a baby he has had a temper, really. It's almost like he is ok w/ being mad and fighting. Sometimes he would rather fight and argue than eat! No joke. This appointment is 3 wks away and I need some new way to handle him new tactics ??.. Idk it gets out if control and physcial so quick. I usually have some kind of bruise or claw mark on my body somewhere . Holding him until he calms down is just not cutting it anymore. Please know at the core of my son is pure goodness and love and I'm not just saying that because he is my son. Babies, animals old people bring out the best part in him. He would give his last dollar or his favorite shoes to someone who needed them.  It's just this ugly temper that takes over and he seems unable to control that is going to ruin his life if we can find someway to handle it and help him handle it..  Going to the l library to look for the book you recommended Rasing Lions. Hoping to get some insight on what to do.  Thank you again for taking the time to comment and advice any more would be greatly appericated! <3

[Luvmyson_enuf2c]

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I sent you a msg not for sure if it went thru, hopefully it did. :) . Yesterday when I was writing my concerns and questions telling our story briefly it never occurred to me how it read or came across about the incident w/ my son and the rifle. Feeling the need to eloborate a little more I am posting this  so it's understood somewhat better. We are a hunting family and it's turkey season! My husband and son just returned home from hunting. We were unloading the truck and cleaning up to get things squared away. The rifle was leaning on the cabinet next to us. My husband and I were discussing our dog and the biteing incident that had just occurred earlier in the week. This is when my son picked up the rifle and said "you kill my dog and I'll shot you" . he would of never but the words and actions even crossing his mind made my heart stop and was a big red flag.
The appointment he has is w/ a behavioral specialist/ child psychologist. Just this year was the first time a teacher has contacted me for a personal conference. She wanted to discuss his behavior changes and deliberately disobeying . Also he started writing "BillyBob" on his papers instead of his name. My son has always done extremely well in school excelling in math and 3 grades ahead in his reading. She actually had to move him up on his reading level because he was bored. Now it's a almost impossible to get homework done doesn't tell me about assignments and is writing like a preschooler. I just don't understand and nothing seems to work w/ him.  Since he was a baby he has had a temper, really. It's almost like he is ok w/ being mad and fighting. Sometimes he would rather fight and argue than eat! No joke. This appointment is 3 wks away and I need some new way to handle him new tactics ??.. Idk it gets out if control and physcial so quick. I usually have some kind of bruise or claw mark on my body somewhere . Holding him until he calms down is just not cutting it anymore. Please know at the core of my son is pure goodness and love and I'm not just saying that because he is my son. Babies, animals old people bring out the best part in him. He would give his last dollar or his favorite shoes to someone who needed them.  It's just this ugly temper that takes over and he seems unable to control that is going to ruin his life if we can find someway to handle it and help him handle it..  Going to the l library to look for the book you recommended Rasing Lions. Hoping to get some insight on what to do.  Thank you again for taking the time to comment and advice any more would be greatly appericated! <3

[Sandman2]

   How was the testing for ADHD done.  Was a questionnaire given to both teachers and parents (that is the standard)?  or did the doc just talk to him?   Because he sure shows signs of AD/HD.
   Hopefully, your appointment is not with a pediatrician, but with a child psychiatrist or something similar.  It really sounds like he may need some medications until this gets under control.  It looks like his life is rapidly spiraling out of his control.  I assume his grades at school are bad.  Have they always been bad or more so the last year?   In what grade did his teachers began to recommend that some testing be done?  Oh, I assume he is in 4th grade?
   I won't ask why a shotgun is so available that a 9 year old can easily grab it on a moments notice - but I would lock up the weapons.
   I really need to know more to recommend ways to deal with him, but you might want to buy "Raising Lions", by Joe Newman and read it.  It might or might not apply.