Agressive and Explosive Behavior in 17mo old girl

[firsttimemom]

My daughter has recently begun exhibiting very agressive and explosive behavior that differs significantly from the behavior of other little girls her age that we know.  She has always been easily frustrated and very determined from day one, but the behavior changes have been so shocking I am becoming concerned. She hits (herself and us), throws toys, kicks her feet and sobs uncontrollably when she gets frustrated or angry.  She seems to have a complete and frantic meltdown and the behavior is escalating.  She used to love her playgroup and her Gymboree class but now she is so agressive with the other children I am concerned about putting her in that situation.  I am a stay at home mom and her father works from home so we feel she gets plenty of attention.  We have consistently employed timeouts (which worked for a while, but no longer) and have never spanked although we are wondering if that is what we need to start considering.  I am really becoming frightened and concerned that there is something more serious going on.  How can I find out what is going on and where should I look for help?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

First of all, don't stop utilizing time out, even if it does not seem to be containing the current behavior. It remains a sensible intervention and it is important to manage the behavior, even as you attempt to understand why it might be occurring. Toddlers' capacity to tolerate and manage frustration is not well developed; they readily become flooded with anger that they haven't yet learned to control. It's a matter of learning as they develop. Be sure to have her checked medically, to be sure there is no viral or other illness occurring that can be fueling this behavior. Expose her to her usual situations, but remove her in the face of any demonstration of aggression, and be sure to let her know that this will occur. In general, children who are strong willed as a baseline, and who have more intense reactions to frustration, tend to have more volatile times as they approach the age of two and through their third year. It is generally a matter of temperament and constitution, not usually an indication of a brewing emotional or mental disorder. My guess is that you'll be on solid ground if you stick to your guns around the limit setting, and don't resort to spanking - it's not likely to yield much by way of benefit, particularly for a strong willed child.

[firsttimemom]

Thank you for your reply.  I will (and have) continued with the timeouts and it is very much against my instincts to spank (despite the fact that both sets of grandparents are sure this is why she is so "spoiled") so I am glad you advised against it.  I will schedule an appointment with her pediatrician to be sure there is no medical problem as you advised.  I also have taken her out of playgroup immediately when she began acting up, although since she does not talk much I am not sure she understands this yet.  I realize she is a strong-willed child and am proud of this to some extent as I believe she has the potential to be a great success with her determination and independence.  I wanted to be sure this was relatively normal since her behavior is so much more intense than other children we know going through the "terrible two's". I just love her very much and want her to be a happy child...I hate to see her so frustrated. Thanks again.

[Kif]

My daughter was like yours at 17 months. It's all about character and the strength of will. To my daughter, the mere idea that she wanted to do something (or wanted someone to do something for her! ie ME!) was enough to mean (to her) that she ought to be able to do it or that the other person ought to do it for her immediately.

Which is fine when you're talking about handing the kid a cup of juice, not so good when you're talking being able to climb to the top of the jungle gym when the bars are spaced for an older child. Failure meant rage. My son is different - both were raised much the same way, but failure to my son means soul-crushing laments and lots of hugs. Eowyn just gets MAD.

People tend to misinterpret this sort of reaction as "spoilt" - when in fact it's just that the kid has higher standards for themselves than they can possibly reach. I'd counsel you to keep taking your daughter to the playgroup, and keep hauling her out the moment she starts to cause a scene. It's the only way to teach her not to cause a scene.

Know two things though: in one sense of "the long run" your child will probably have notes sent home like mine did "Eowyn gets easily frustrated and gives up on her schoolwork. She seems to have self-esteem issues" which you will have to reply to with "Eowyn's problem is that she has too few self-esteem issues. She thinks if she sets out to draw a bus it should look exactly like a bus and gets upset when it doesn't. As you are a new influence on her life it is important to her to impress you with her bus-drawing skills. Please inform her that you find her bus-drawing skills pithy and insightful and she will start to relax her standards with you, secure in the knowledge you know she is a super-keen kid." In another sense of the "long run", a strong character and high standards will help her go far in life.

Remember that and smile the next time she is throwing herself and her toys against her bedroom door in a rage because Gymboree went poorly.

[firsttimemom]

I laughed when I read your post.  Yes, we have the same daughter!  Thanks for your insight. I will keep your comments in mind for the future. My husband took her to the playground today and came back wanting to know "what was wrong with her".  Apparently, she only wanted to go down the big slide and threw a fit everytime he tried to bring her to the toddler play area.  He finally went with her down the big slide (held her), but that wasn't good enough.  She wanted to "I do it" (do it herself).I will remember your comments the next time she lays on her back, screaming and kicking her feet in the air because she didn't get the puzzle piece exactly in it's spot the FIRST time.

[kidcare]

I just want to bring up a few things for you to keep in the back of your mind.  My son had some of the same behaviors when he was that age but unfortunately he still has them at 12 years of age.  He was recently dx with early onset bipolar disorder and had already been dx as adhd when he was 6yrs old.  Inquire as to whether anyone on either side of family was dx as bipolar or had characteristics of biploar disorder.  The long term psychiatric monitoring and the family hx was the key for dx my son.  There are several good website with info about bipolar children-   www.bipolarchild.com and www.bpkids.org.  If you find that their is a family hx of bipolar disorder you may want to start documenting what behaviors you have seen and if things get worse, schedule an appt. with a pediatric/child psychiatrists.  Tx for bipolar disorder is better the sooner you start.  You also mentioned that your daughter only says a few words.  This may be a source of frustration if other children she is around talk more than she does. Document the words she says and whether she says them clearly..can other people understand her beside family members?  If she wants something will she point or grunt for you to get it?  If this is the case, it may be that when she doesn't get what she wants, she gets upset.  If you think her language development could be the problem, make sure to have her hearing checked also.  Look up on the internet..NECTAS and find your state and the contact number for Infant and Toddler Part C services.  Contact the service coordinator and request evals for speech, hearing and socialization skills.  These Early Intervention services are free and should give you an idea of how she is doing compared to other children her age.  I hope I didn't scare you to death but I wish I had known these things back then.  Good luck, and yes you should be proud of having such an independent child!!