Agressive behavior toward other children

[Jodi]

My 20 month old son has had an ongoing problem of rough behavior with other children at his Montessori School.  I frequently receive notes that say, "We are encouraging John to be gentle with his friends," "John has been tackling his friends today,'  "Encouraging John to use soft hands."  Yesterday, I received a behavior report stating that the behavior has become more serious.  John had been pushing his friends and hitting them until they cry.  He is not responding to time out and repeats the aggression again and again in a very deliberate manner. His teachers now "shadow" him at freeplay.  

I popped in today to observe the behavior firsthand, and I saw a 20 month old bully.  He pushed other children out of his way, hit one boy repeatedly on the head for no apparent reason.  He was the only child behaving in this manner.

He is an only child and I am not able to monitor this behavior well, as he does not interact with other children at home.  At home, we do not spank and lead a rather quiet life.

Is this behavoir normal?  How can it be managed?  He does not stay in time out very well.  Usually only for a few seconds.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Jodi,

No, your son's behavior is not normal - i.e., it's not to be expected. Having said that, it's also true that many children, prior to the age of two, display some aggression in social situations. This impulse needs tobe tamed via sound behavior management and careful planning re: your son's exposure to peers. For now, he may only be 'ready' for exposure to one child at a time.

Re: his response to time out, he should be made to stay in time out and not have the 'option' of leaving the designated time out area. Otherwise, he will develop the sense that it's up to him whether he'll cooperate with your, or his teacher's, discipline. Of course, at his age a brief period of time out is all that is required. A few minutes should be sufficient, though this may well have to happen over and over again.

Be sure to employ a timer to track the time out period - he's not too young for this, even though he can't understand the concept of time. He will be able to learn the association between the sound of the timer going off and the termination of his time out period.

[Deborah]

First of all, I will say I am not affilitated with this forum, but I do appreciate the quality these Medhelp forums represent.  Thank you!  I felt compelled to comment to this question...I do have background in this area, I have a masters degree in early childhood education, a bachelors in elementary and early childhood education, I am certified to teach children from 6 weeks through the sixth grade, and I have been teaching prekindergarten in the public school environment (at risk children, not handicapped) since 1979, with children from 3 to 5 yrs of age.  I also have worked in private day care facilities with infants and toddlers as well as prek aged children.  There are some questions that need to be addressed....how long has your son been in group care, how long is his day at the nursery, how many days a week...is this experience just for the educational opportunity or is this also day care?  Please remember that at 20 months of age, it is quite natural for your son to be a bully....that sounds strange
but the thing to remember is that toddlers are very egocentrical....literally they do feel the world revolves around them, and them alone.  If they see a ball they want, they take it, once they have it, it is theirs! Not knowing the particulars, I imagine that perhaps your son is relatively new to group situations...whereas perhaps some of the other children have been in group care for a long time.  Young children usually do not play real well WITH other children....more often they play beside other children.  Cooperatively playing is a major step forward in cognitive and social development, and usually doesn't really become prevalent before about the age of four, although more and more with so much group care I see it at 3 yrs old.  It may be better to take him out of the program for a while....it doesn't sound like he is developmentally ready for this type of experience.  If it is possible to care for him at home, I would arrange play dates during times that he is rested, well fed, and under no unusual
stress....I would start by inviting only one other child around his age up to a few months older (NOT younger since that would set up an ideal way for him to continue bully behavior).  Keep play times short. At first it may be necessary for each child to play with their own toys....an adult may FORCE a two year old to share but can never make the toddler understand or like to share.  Eventually some toys new to both children may be put out.  You don't want either child to feel his possessions are in danger!  Eventually, when things are going well, you may want to add one more child to the mix.  Always have plenty of toys, and constant supervision.  If a child starts to bully, simply remove them from the situation...Eventually as the child matures, his ability to socially interact with other children in a group setting will improve, especially if he has had practice in a more protected environment.  If the child MUST be in school, I would suggest making sure the class size is small, there is adequate
supervision by well trained and schooled personell, and especially that there are LOTS of materials.  There should be multiples of all the favorite toys, enough blocks for many children to play independently at once, a wide variety of activities to choose from, etc.  Adults should redirect children's attention immediately when there is an indication a problem is brewing, especially in toddlers.  By the time a child is five, they can start solving some of their own problems.  If the child is taken out of school for a while, I would consider trying again when the child is around four years old....the age at which social interactions start becoming very meaningful, when children are able to begin to listen to directions and follow them, and when children are becoming verbal enough to express their frustrations with words instead of actions.  Montessori schools have a good reputation, but please remember no two children are alike, nor do they develop on the same time frame.  Two year old children who don't have
some of these problems may have been conditioned at a very young age by having had lots of experience in a group setting.  Good luck.  Deborah