I completely agree with RockRose.
This girl's mother rejected her because she made trouble with her new partner. Now her sights are on you and she will do what she can to break up your relationship with her father. As difficult as the situation is, the girl should not be made to suffer a second rejection.
First you need a serious talk with her father. If he does not recognize the problem there is not much of a future for the two of you. But if he does, then it is therapy time. This could have a good outcome if it is handled wisely and kindly.
I don't think you should "resign yourself" as you put it to a life with this girl.
You have two boys who need a stable loving home with a happy mom.
Maybe this isn't the guy for you, or the right time to remarry.
Hi there. Well, in truth, I feel for this 15 year old. She's clearly intimidated by her parents-- mom and dad starting new relationships. She does sound like she has internal distress. I personally would take an empathetic approach to her and try to be cordial and friendly. I would never enter into any discipline scenarios---- you can help her father from behind the scenes but to her, you are a smiling welcoming face. She is young and hence, prone to not making good decisions---- so do your best to cut her some slack. Perhaps the issue will fade faster than you think. She's desperately trying to hold onto her mom and dad for herself which is a bit sad. At 15, she goes to college (hopefully) soon and will be an adult. Then her parents will be more free and less caregivers which will be a good thing for your relationship. So, weather this part of the scenario.
And think too that her dad may be enjoying the added closeness now if he's not had it in the past. Everyone wants to love and to be loved by their child. Part of him may be having a secondary gain of validation as a parent so be respectful of that for your boyfriends sake.
I have one other thought---- her desire to be physically closer to your husband is newer. Mom got a new boyfriend and she had to go. Is there anyway that the man in mom's life has been inappropriate with her?
I would never confront this girl yourself. This will just cause bad feelings. You stay with that smile and allow dad to be the bad guy. You can talk to him and work with him behind the scenes and still have control over the situation. But I almost guarentee if you confront her, this situation will spiral downhill and it may ultimately cause her dad to leave the situation eventually.
with her comment about the cliff---- well, do you really feel threatened? I'm guessing she is a shock value kind of kid. I'd talk to her dad about this and see if he agrees that she could use a therapist to talk to in order to get some of her emotions out. You could yourself buy her a journal and say it is for her to write her feelings in if she would like to. And another benefit of her speaking to a therapist is that her father can be semi involved and will get a heads up if she is having any mental health issues to be addressed (such as someone who wants to push another over a cliff. Guessing she was being inflammatory and not serious).
good luck
I have read your post several times Kitty and find it quite disturbing for two reasons. If they have never really had a huggie kissy father relationship then i find it alarming that a 15 year old can suddenly start one when most 15 year old girls are not wanting that type of relationship with their fathers. Most worrying of all though is her comment re pushing you off a cliff, yes you should have confronted her when she said it but regardless of what she could possibly have said could not re assure me she is sane and if i was you i would run for the hills and think of your own two children. so no Kitty you are not over reacting.