Anger in 7 year old daughter

[forester1]

I have a 7 year old daughter in first grade who often exhibits angry behavior-always has to be first, wants the biggest, choicest items, has to be in control of her younger brother, talks back repeatedly to us and will often hit or pinch her brother if he does not cooerate with her. When asked about her behavior she will sometimes laugh and cry alternately. Today she threw a tantrum and started to yell that we were stupid and that she is going to kill me when I am old and in a wheelchair. This is very scary to us and I am at a loss about what to do. The women my family suffer from depression and are all on Celexa and Zoloft. Could she be suffering from depression as well? She is good with her friends and teachers at school and does well on her schoolwork, however her teacher has said that she is not paying attention very well the last month and seems like she is in another world. As a consequence she has had to move her to the front of the class. She has low self esteem and worries about things all the time-gets stomache aches.
We are moving later this summer but are staying on the same block, but she has told us she worries about this all the time no matter how much we reassure her. I think much of what we are seeing here is related to our move, butI need your advice. Thanks so much!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

What you are describing sounds more like your daughter's baseline condition than it does an acute reaction to the planned move. She is certainly vulnerable to a depressive disorder, given the family history. It might be worth your while to seek an evaluation to investigate this further. In any case, though, you'll need to have a systematic way of responding to her via a behavior management system. You may find that this in itself yields significant dividends. A very reliable model for behavior management can be found in Lynn Clarks book SOS: Help for Parents.

[karen b]

My 7 year old daughter has been displaying the same behaviors mentioned in your posting. It started several weeks ago with refusal to go to school. She gets up in the morning, eats, washes is dressed and ready to go when suddenly "one shoe is tighter than the other", "My hair is sticking up" , "one sleeve of my sweater is longer than the other". She will totally break down and hit, kick, punch scream, threaten to kill me, threaten to kill herself etc. etc.. After some time she resolves to go to school but we always have to agree upon some "lie" as to why she is late. Last week we went to Walt Disney World and I expected the trip to be "problem free" in the absence of the morning school pressure. Several times as we were readying ourselves to leave the hotel room - she would express extreme dissatisfaction about her "hair" her "clothing" etc. and have a violent tantrum. We were on the sixth floor of a hotel and she threatened to "throw herself off the balcony". These violent threats are something new and I am at a loss specifically regarding the best way for me to respond. On the one hand you don't want to "belittle" the threat, but on the other could she possibly be serious?  Is this just "anger" talking? Outside of our home my daughter is outgoing, "cheerful", does very well in school, energetic, and fun loving. I brought these recent morning episodes to the attention of her teacher who couldn't believe me because according to her my daughter is always "happy" when she comes to school! I on the other hand am at home sick to my stomach, bruised, tearful and heartbroken. My daughter began to display the same behavior pattern same time one year ago. We began to see a psycologist and she felt that my daughter was suffering from "general anxiety". Can general anxiety really explain all of this? I can deal with almost anything but these violent threats she is making disturb my husband and myself greatly. The best way I have found in dealing with the tantrums/threats/violence is to exercise restraint myself and try my best to be sympathetic and understanding. If I hit her back, scream or make threats it just escalates wildly. I as an adult have to draw the line at some point but she doesn't relent so I have found that she was "winning" these battles every time. Everytime she hits me she loses a week of tv and computer. It isn't enough to curtail the next tantrum, but I can't let these episodes go totally unpunished. Any suggestions?

[Kassimom]

I used to be a preschool teacher and this might be difficult to do with a 7 yr old but I employ this with my own 5yr old when she is tantrumming. I sit on a low seat, usually the bottom stair in our house, sit her between my legs and hold her arms across her chest with my arms and hold her legs down with my legs. It sounds cruel, but it was the only way we could get a child in a violent tantrum to settle down without hurting him/herself or others. I have only had to use this with my daughter twice. Once she hit me  and the second time she kicked me. Before I put her in my hold I told her in a stern voice "THAT IS NOT OKAY/ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR!" , held her without speaking, and then when she calmed down, I held her close in a hug and stroked her hair and told her I loved her and there was nothing she could ever do to make me stop loving her but that it was not okay to hit or kick an adult. Then when she was ready she would get up and that was the end. We didn't make a huge deal of it or talk about it anymore. She was aware of her punishment and why it was happening and why she had to be restrained. I have not had to use this on my daughter for months now.

[shumaker]

i have been having the same probloms with my 7year old daughter
she thinks everything should be her way no matter what every morning when she and her two older siblings are getting ready for school she automaticley starts fighting with them over what ever she can think about.ihave used the holding techneic on her one day when she through a huge fit at the dr.s office we were sitting in the waiting room when she began to hit her brother so i made her sit on my lap she refused and hit and pinched me it is hard to explain how bad she was that day but i can tell you i was so hurt and upset that it mad me cry.it seems like itjust keeps getting worse.