Angry Angry Angry Toddler

My husband and I have been having a horrible time with our terrible two. Everyone just keeps saying don't worry it's a phase. I'm really beginning to question that. I know she's uncertain of her feelings or how to deal or show her feelings but this is EXTREME.
Like all toddlers she's hitting, screaming,kicking, purposely trying to hurt us and just throws herself everywhere usually ending up in either herself or us getting hurt. How do I deal with this? With out spanking? I don't want to have to. Usually some kids are more scared of dad, that doesn't work either.
I don't know how to help or or help us. Anyone with advice welcome, please. Details-I watch 3 kids including her, she picks on one of them whos more on the submissive side, she does things to them when she thinks I am not watching, and is out right MEAN and BULLY like. I've tried giving her toys that only she can have on the weekends when the kids aren't here. I've tried making her BED off limits except for her, not her room, just her bed. I taught them hands together, hands are for helping, feet together, feet are for walking.  They liked it, shortly. I try holding her hands and insisting that she doesn't hit. That only hurts her because she continues to struggle. Time outs, well, I either have to drag her to it, or she runs to her safe spot and puts herself in time out in the hall way, I don't bother her when she does this. At this point I know I've said a ton.
So, again, anyone with advice, please help a anxiety filled mommy to relax and help teach my daughter what its like to be calm.
If that's possible.

[Sandman2]

   Its not so much like you want her to be calm - that could require a change in personality - but you want her to act in more appropriate ways.  She is two, and they need immediate consequences.  Waiting for dad  is a waste of time.  
   The good news is that your timeouts do seem to have an effect.
What you need to remember is that to change a childs behavior, it takes about 3 weeks of constant reminders (timeouts).  You need to pick just one or two actions and really watch for those and go to immediate timeouts (short).  It takes patience.  Sometimes charting helps - not for the kid - but for you to see that the behaviors are actually getting better.
   You are really doing a lot of the right things.  Just keep in mind the idea of keeping it immediate and consistent.
    One other thought.  She is two.  She has to share her mommy with 2 other kids.  She doesn't want to share.  At this age, there is no logic - its just emotion and need.  I have a feeling that if you can structure their play time better some of this will end.  I know that my kindergarten teachers would move to a new activity about every 20 min (at the most), because of the kids attention spans.  Try breaking things up into shorter segments and alternating them with inside/outside activities.  Good luck