Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

At Wit's End With My 5 Year Old! Please Help!

Hi,
I truly need your help!  I am a stay at home mom of 2 boys, ages 5 and 2 1/2.  I have been having trouble with my 5 year old for about a year now.  He started having temper tantrums around 2 1/2 years of age but they were manageable.  Lately, he has been completely out of control.  He is generally good for other people....good at pre-school (ages 3 and 4), good at bible camp (this past week), good for babysitters, etc.  However, he is terrible for me anytime I tell him "no," that he has to leave a play place, share with his brother, wait a minute, etc.  He hits, spits, kicks, calls me nasty names, breaks things, etc.  I immediately put him in time out for any "bad" behavior after explaining to him why he is going there.  When time out is up, I ask him to tell me why he was in time out and to recognize that the behavior was not acceptable.  Today, he woke up with a pleasant attitude but everything escalated once I had to tell him "no" or to share.  We had plans to go to a friend's pool so that my kids could play with her kids and I had to pull the car over more than once for him to calm down.  He played nicely most of the time at the pool but hit his friend when he took something from him.  He is unable to "use his words."  Then, when it was time to leave and all of the other kids had gotten out of the pool he became defiant and nasty towards me.  The nasty talk, hitting, spitting, etc. ensued.  I had to escort him to our car and assist him in changing out of his bathing suit though I was only able to get a shirt and underwear on him before I had to physically put him in the car b/c he kept kicking and spitting at me.  We had an hour long ride home during which he threw toys, spit, acted nasty, etc.  He would apologize occasionally when he seemed to want something (ie. a new drink).  He seems to know what he is doing is wrong but just not care.  He knows that there are consequences for his actions but it does not matter to him.  I am absolutely lost as to where to go from here....I have tried time outs, tried taking things away (tv shows, play time, etc.), early to bed, etc.  My husband placates him and indulges him too much.  He does not enforce the consequences that I set.  Please help!  I want my sweet little boy back.  Thanks for any suggestions you can provide.
Best Answer
1280088 tn?1432049934
hi, i would tell you too see his friends do they encourage him doing like this behavior, try talking him ask him what is going on in his mind what he want why is he behaving like this tell him to respect you. if this is not working try doing some hard on him may be he is taking everything easy and behaving like this. Best of luck. hope this help you
7 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
Oh - and I can relate to the inconsistency component - both parents really need to be on the same page:) Speaking from experience
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
He sounds very oppositional.

He needs to learn to accept "no" - sounds like it is a trigger to him. My son is very oppositional by nature. One thing that helps is reminding him about what to do vs. telling him what not to do. And instead of asking him "do you want to do this" give him choices "you can do this or that" (works with the hubby as well)

But he still needs to learn to accept "no" - coming from you

Start with offering alternative to whatever he wants - he wants a cookie - offer him something he likes just as much (popsicle), even if you do not see a point in doing that. Try for a few days - once he is ok with that, move on to something that he likes a little less (cookie vs. an apple). Once he is ok with that, you can move onto something that is very neutral. You should be able to phase out the alternative at some point - with young children it helps to have it. My son has a hard time figuring out the alternative (i.e. he wants to go outside - but it is too hot - so I "offer - remind" him of things he can do inside

When you have to leave a place - give him a 5-minute warning (we will be going home in 5 minutes) - you may want to tell him about what is the plan for home - because from his perspective, he is having fun in a play place, you are telling him that you have to leave, he has to stop something he enjoys and has nothing to look forward to. It made a world of a difference with my little guy. Helps with anxiety component as well.


In terms of calming him in a car - if I try to calm my son down in a car - does not do any good (granted he stays in his seat and does not throw anything at me - so I can afford not to pull over).

Good luck

Very good tips on sharing from specialmom:)

Helpful - 0
189897 tn?1441126518
COMMUNITY LEADER
  A lot of really wonderful, workable suggestions by specialmom.  Let me add a few other ideas.  I think he has learned how to "play" you.  The fact that he is good in so many other places, but not with you - indicates that he has learned what works for him with you.  It might have started with his tantrums at 2 1/2 "which were managable", but how you managed them may have led partially to his actions now  - or not.  But what he has learned works for him can be unlearned!  It just takes time and effort.
  It takes time to change a kids behavior.  Experts say 3 or more weeks of really constant effort.  And the stress is on the constant.  You change a consequence, and the kid wins.  Timeouts do work.  But they must be constant and immediate.  And it will not happen overnight.  Expect weeks before you notice a lasting change.  Actually, I'm not a huge fan of charts for kids at this age, but it is really helplful for the parents so they can notice a change.  Sometimes the change is just a longer period of time between outburts, but it is a change and it will grow.
   You said, "He seems to know what he is doing is wrong but just not care.  He knows that there are consequences for his actions but it does not matter to him."  I am always amazed at how early kids pick this up.  Teenagers love to give the ole, "I don't care" answer because it just devastates the parent.  The point is, it doesn't matter what they say, because they are gaming you.  It will matter once they figure out that you mean what  you say and it isn't going to change.  As the old saying goes, "actions speak louder than words!"
   By the way, changing behavior usually works best when you pick only one or two things to work on and you concentrate on those.  And this leads us to your husband.  Ya, he is definitely hurting the process.  Getting the "SOS" book might help him realize this.  Its very hard to have a consistent punishment if hubby keeps changing things.  A few ideas here.  
   Punishment should always be immediate and short - and then repeated if it starts again.  Thats  also good because it doesn't give hubby a chance to mess it up.  You said, "He does not enforce the consequences that I set."  Perhaps, he feels they might be too severe?  I don't know what you are doing, but at this age - the immediate and short is the gold standard.  When they are around 10, then longer term is more appropriate.  Also the "SOS" book will give you good ideas of consequences, and how to structure them.  I would definitely try and sit down with hubby and pick just one thing to work on.  Agree on the bad behavior that warrants the consequence and the subsequent consequence.  You will be amazed at what a united front will do!
   And definitely, definitely do all of the things that specialmom mentioned!   Hope this helps!
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
Hi.  Well a couple of things come to mind for me.  First, he seems to be having issues with his little brother and it is not a coincidence that he started reacting this way when his brother was a year and a half.  Until then, his brother wasn't competing for the toys and activities that your older son wanted to do.  Your boy also seems to not be handling his frustration and anger properly and that you can teach him.  Soothing himself also seems to be an area he needs to work on.  It comes naturally for many kids but not all.  Lastly, he needs some work on boundaries------- IE: hitting is NEVER okay.  

So, first------- with regards to sharing with his brother.  It is essential that he need to learn to share BUT . . . I think that if I were in your situation, I'd let him know that he can have some special things that are just his.  I have two boys that are 15 months apart in age and we call these things their "special specials".  They are just theirs and their brother may not play with them unless they were given permission.  This does not go for everything but I think it is okay to have some things that are just yours.  I also instituted a long time ago the idea of "trading".  One child could not take a toy from another unless they made a trade.  So if my younger son really wanted to play with the Lightening McQueen car, he would find something my older son would be okay playing with for a bit and then they would trade.  We also work hard on "taking turns".  I've even gotten a timer out.  Give one child 10 minutes and then the other gets the item back.  That way they feel like they WILL get the item back and they don't have to feel like they are giving it up forever.  I also have a "if you fight over it, it is in time out" rule.  I will take a toy that my kids fight over and put it up.  I warn once and after that, it is gone.  They hate that and work a lot of things out so the toy isn't taken.  When he is asked to share, redirection is a good method------- redirection is just distraction, so get him going with something else fun.  With two boys, I always told my younger one in a loud and purposeful voice that he would have to wait a moment because I was helping my older boy.  Then when my older one had to wait, he just felt like it was part of the program because younger brother was told the same thing.  I also always give transitional warnings for when we are leaving.  I even will make it visual by showing them my cell phone with the digital time on it-------- I say "we have 5 minutes, when the numbers read 12:50, it is time to go."  I give a one minute warning before the five are up and then show him the cell phone and say, let's go.  I also promise that we will be back and talk about something we are doing later.

For handling frustration better, I think that I'd go to the library and check out lots of books on emotions for kids.  They make a ton of them and they give kid language for how your son may be feeling.  Then he has the words to use as he is getting upset.  You want to slow down the process so that he can maybe stop it before it gets to the full out hitting, screaming tantrum level.  My sons described being in a bad mood as "storm clouds moving in" for a long time and being super mad as "a tornado".  Now they often say a warning "you are pushing my mad button."  And then we can address it before the mad button goes off and they lose it.  Next you could act out or role play something that is frustrating to you.  Make it exagerated and expect your son to laugh.  Have fun with it.  Get really mad and then go through steps to calm yourself down.  

Things that can be done to self calm when it doesn't happen naturally are to take deep, slow breaths, count to 10, open and close the fists firmly, use words to express what is wrong, go off alone to a cool down spot (enclosed places are good such as a pop up tent ------- under a table or in a corner).  I give my boys a thick piece of chewing gum when they are super upset because it is a way to soothe oneself.  Oral things can be very calming.  He can also give himself a big hug as many kids find that deep pressure to be calming as well.  If you need to, you can ask him if you can hug him to give him that deep pressure.  

For boundaries, well you have to be firm on this.  There are two books that I recommend------ "Hands are not for hitting" and "Words are not for hurting".  They are great for that age and drive home the point.  You did the right thing by leaving immediately when he hit.  That would be my rule.  You could try a behavioral chart as he is five------- and work on expressing anger withOUT these physical altercations.  Some kids really respond to that.  He can earn a mystery toy, a special outing of his choice, or some cash when he gets to a certain number of checks. Make it a positive thing.  "SOS for Parents" by Lynn Clarke is a good book to go through the proper time out procedure and I also really like "Love and Logic".  

It might help you to give him choices.  It also might help to try to read his signals------- as he starts to get agitated, to do what you can to head it off at the pass.  So pay lots of attention to what triggers the meltdown.  Try different things to head it off at the pass before it escalates.  You must always stay calm with him and not lose it either.  Give him some special one on one attention.  Also, make sure he is getting enough sleep.  And last------  I can not say enough about physical activity in regards to its positive effect on behavior.

The good news is that he does well in school!  He just saves his extra special behavior for you (we mom's are so lucky!!  LOL).  Hang in there-------  he sounds like he just needs some extra help to work his emotions out.  good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Accidently selected "Best Answer" when reading first response....please submit more suggestions....looking for as many as I can get!  Thanks!
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
My friend had something like this with her oldest son, and it was (she says now) because there was a lot of anger between her and her husband, and the boy was channeling it.  The couple didn't talk about their anger at each other, or at least they didn't "talk it out," so it came out in other ways, actions and tone of voice, and apparently their smart son picked it up and it all came out in him.

I don't tell you this to make imputations about your marriage, but to point out how kids pick stuff up in their interpersonal environment and bounce it out to the family.  Whatever is causing it, in your shoes, I would go see a child therapist and explain what you are seeing in your son and try to figure out what is going on.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Child Behavior Community

Top Children's Health Answerers
189897 tn?1441126518
San Pedro, CA
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Fearing autism, many parents aren't vaccinating their kids. Can doctors reverse this dangerous trend?
Is a gluten-free diet right for you?
We answer your top questions about the flu vaccine.
Learn which over-the-counter medicines are safe for you and your baby
Yummy eats that will keep your child healthy and happy
Healing home remedies for common ailments