At wits end with our 4 yr old daughter

[joka]

I really hope someone can help!  Our 4 yr old daughter seems to be getting worse with her behavior instead of better as she gets older.  We feel like we have tried everything to get her to listen, follow directions, respect others, and just generally behave!  She can be very loving and kind but most of the time she is disrespectful and nearly hateful toward her dad, brother, grandmother and myself.  We have tried all the basic forms of disipline, time out, rewards, loss of privledge(toys, computer, etc...), even spanking.  None of which have even made her change her behavior for a moment.  We want to start her in preschool this fall so that she is prepared for kindergarten but, to tell the truth I am terrified of what they are going to think of her behavior.  She is not a good eater so mealtime is always the most stressful.  Even if we give her exactly what she asks for she finds some reason to not like it and drive my husband and I nuts in the process.  Asking her to pick up her toys you would think we were asking her to do the most insane and difficult of tasks, she just out and out refuses.  Then there is the problem with her lossing her temper and screaming, stomping, and slamming doors, and hitting anyone who gets in her way,it's like living with a 13 yr old instead of a 4 yr old.  The confusing part is it could be anything that pushes her buttons, just this week telling her it was bath time threw her into the worst fit we have had in awhile.  I even have taught myself to give her prep time, (when this cartoon is over..., after this book... in thirty min. when the clock says...) and still melt down with no warning.  It's a her way or no way situation.  We have an 8 yr old son who never gave us any problems and still doesn't and we don't think we did anything different in raising either of them.  I am worried that over time due to the amount of attention and time we have to spend with our daughter that our sons behavior will change as well, feeling that the only was to get attention is to misbehave.  I'd like to say that this behavior started at a certain time but to be honest even when she was a baby she was a difficult baby.  For example she took longer to sleep through the night, we always had a hard time with feedings, late potty training, and so on.  My husband and I are sure we have done something wrong we just don't know what it is, and believe me I feel like we have gone over our every word and action with a fine tooth comb looking for where we went wrong.  I know that no two children are alike but I am just not sure what to do and was hoping for a little advice from someone that does not unconditionally love her(family).

[twin_mom]

We have a similar situation with our son.  I can tell you some things that have helped significantly for us and some that have not.  My son is a twin and it is almost weird to see how different the two of them are.

1.  Check for sleep.  A lot of our problems surround sleep.  My son goes to bed at 7:00pm everynight.  On bad days he sometimes goes to bed at 6:30.  Other parents think we're terrible for not letting him stay up more.  Take a look at the book Healthy Baby, healthy sleep.  Most of it is for real babies but some really helped us to get my son to bed and asleep.  (bedtime was a major battleground)

2.  Hugs.  When all else fails, give your daughter a hug.  In the middle of a terrible temper tantrum nothing will shock your child more than being picked up and hugged.  It often doesn't stop the behavior but I'm surprised how much of the time my son will cling to me.  I can't begin to tell you how many years we fought before I tried this.

3.  Fake it.  If your totally angry at your kid and want nothing to do with them, fake it.  At one time things had gotten so bad between my son (then 3) and myself that I would count how many hugs I gave my daughter and make sure he had the same number.  It got us past a big spot of pure anger once.

4.  Take away toys.  When my son wouldn't pick up his toys I finally packed up 75% of them and put them away.  I really think he felt that he had so much and was so entitled that he didn't need to put anything away.  This wasn't a magic cure but it helped.

5.  Preschool.  Make sure that you get a good school.  My son takes every new teacher through the drill.  Last year he scream / cried for 45 minutes one day.  The teacher put him in another room and told him that when he was done he could re-join the class.  Eventually he did and it was the end of the problems.  I had talked to the teacher before any problems arose.  I really really credit her with doing an excellent job.

I hope some of this helps.

Twin-mom

[LRM1021]

You mention two things-- she has always had a difficult temperment ( I have one of those myself:) and that you have tried everything.  My only advice would be to try a consistent behavior management program for an extended period of time. A goo d book is How to Behave So Your Children Will Too. Another good one is SOS Help for Parents. Following the plans in these books consistently without faily will bring results-- but it can take a few months to see the results consistently.

One other thing to note -- as mentioned above, she may do fantastically at preschool. Sometimes, young children who are behaving this way do so because they are bored -- and really need the additional stimulation of a pre school or day care environment. This happens more often with girls than boys, as girls tend to mature through social phases quicker than boys at this age. You might well be very surprised to have a child who feels much better when she has her own school to go to and her own friends.

[tiredbuthappy]

Sounds like she has a difficult temperament. Often it's nothing you did "wrong." Some kids are just challenging!

I just wanted to tell you not to stress about sending her to preschool in the fall. Chances are, she will be very well-behaved there. So many parents tell horror stories of their children at home- those same children are great at school. Children often behave at school because expectations are laid out from day 1. At home, habits and roles evolve over time, making them hard to break.

[red_arrows]

This is a very stressful time for you and i can understand the frustration you are facing with your daughter. Your daughter has managed to find a way of controlling you by acting in a temper to avoid anything she doesn't want to do. Of course she can be a well behaved child which gives you something to use to help her behaviour. A few ways in which you can encourage her to behave in an acceptable manner would be:
1. When your son behaves well, make a big fuss of him and make it known it is because he is being good. Your daughter will see this and prefer this attention rather than the bad attention she is drawing by having these tantrums.
2. When she throws these tantrums, ignore her, i know its hard and it can be quite distressing but temper tantrums are attention seeking so it is important not give hre any attention. She will soon realise that acting in this way is not getting her any where.
3. Obviously with every child there is good behaviour and it is important to use this to encourage more of this behaviour. For example, if your child eats her sandwich, make a small fuss by telling her what a big grown up girl she is and how proud you are. It is a known fact that children prefer positive attention rather that negative attention.
4. Get her used to socialising with other children by taking her to a play group where children can play for the morning while the mothers are still there. This will develop her social skills and get her used to other children. It will teach her to share and be kind to other children.
5. Most importantly, be patient, it may take time for your daughter to adjust to changes. Set out routines for her as routines make children feel safe and secure. Try and have lunch the same time everyday and make bath time the same time everyday, for instance, after a programme she watches everyday.
Hope this helps :)
Charlotte