Bossy Child

[Lynn51]

My 9 year old child also has to be the first in all games, lines etc., she is having trouble in the 4th grade working with others.  I've tried all the trying to think of others feelings, you can't always be in charge.  She's talked to the school counselor who pointed out her bossiness "Now she doesn't do it anymore" her words, but she does.  I told her I would help her if she could just admit she has this problem.  Last night she did She told me of a story in class that day.  Being in a group of 5 students (3boys 2 girls) apparently the other kids just would'nt do it her way.  According to my daughter they picked exactly the opposite of what ever she suggested (TOLD THEM).  She really did not know what to do.  I don't want her to bow down to everybodys elses thoughts, but how can I teach my daughter to compromise and let others have a turn (she belives her ideas are better than theres, everything would be alright if they would just do it her way?).

It's ok to just listen and go with the group in this situation even if you don't think they are right.

Where can I turn to get the right answers to help my daughter with this problem?


This discussion is related to Too Bossy?.

[LRM1021]

I have a bossy child,too. I think its in his nature. When he grows up, I am sure he will be somebody's boss-- but now its just unpleasant:)

Since you have had the school counselor talk to your daughter, and you have talked to your daughter, and your daughter's response is, "Now I don't do it anymore", but in fact she does do it-- my guess is that she truly does not understand/ get how her actions are making others feel. It would seem that how other people feel about her being bossy is just not a motivation for her to change her ways.  So as you mention, you could help her if she would admit she has a problem. Well, it would seem that to her, there is no problem:)

With this in mind, I think you might want to try an approach that does not require her to modify her behavior based on what other people are feeling. You could try some alternative methods of behavior modification for this issue:

1. When she behaves in a cooperative, non-bossy, considerate manner- make a point of letting her know how great that is, and how hard she is working on it -- because in fact, it must be hard for her to behave this way, given her natural desire to "lead" others. A little bit of complimenting can go a long way in these cases, I think.
2. Encourage her not only by noticing every time she does this, but actually offering her rewards that are motivating for her to change her behavior. Maybe a sticker chart, or since she is a little older,  a small amount of cash or some other reward (extra TV, or a movie, or something) if she changes her behavior consistently.
3. Ask her teacher at school to give you a daily report card of her bossiness-- so that you can monitor her behavior both at home and school-- sot hat she knows you are keeping track and she knows how important this is to you.

I find with my child telling him about how others feel when he is bossy does not make one hoot of difference -- he is not really motivated by others feelings. However, he knows that if he is cooperative with others he will get rewarded for it-- this keeps the bossiness down. External motivation vs. internal... When they get older, they will either learn to care more about how others perceive them OR will only hang out with people who don't mind being bossed around. But for now, they have to learn how to get along-- good luck.