Boy 7 very protective over Mother

[ChristianCapeTown]

I’m 31 years of age (Male) and recently started dating a single mom of the age of 28. She has a 7 year old son and the farther of the child was killed last November. Shes raised the boy mostly on her own & has very little support from the dad while he was alive. The farther used to let the son dom as he pleases and by the sounds of things used to take sides with him when you tried to Discipline the child....

The son does not like us holding hands or kissing or her even leaning up against me when we are at the park taking him for a day out etc.

At first I thought it may be as a result of him missing his farther but it turns out his farther was never really there for him while growing up. He apparently also used to behave in this manner when they where together. It seems their relationship was on and off on many occasions as the farther kept having affairs with other woman.

The boy is a very attractive young man with lots talents and very intelligent for his age…..

If we are driving some where and his mother takes my hand to hold in hers, or I give her a little pinch on the cheek, he can’t seem to help himself but to always call out his moms name and is forever wanting to whisper to her complaining that he does not like it. This is very concerning as it’s gotten to a point that he does it with out even realising that I’m there. When she looks at me or appolgieses for his behavour , I try to see what it is and he just looks at me and says "What"?!At times, actually most times if he is to walk into a room a see us been affectionate to one another in any ways, he calls his mother to her room and catches a fit.

She tries to reason with him and I can see she feels very embarressed.

He is also forever calling her for i.e when his in the bath and will start shouting on the top of his head if she does not respond or she very Politely replies: "Mommy is busy, what is it"? He then insists that she comes to him Immediately! She does not know what to do; I have tried to question him in a very nice way by asking him why he does not like it. He says he does not like it because he does not want his mom to hold anyone’s hand or anyone to touch her. When I asked him how it makes him feel, he replied “Very Angry”. I tried to establish what it is that makes him feel that way but he could not answer us. His the only child and we think perhaps he needs a little brother or sister. My only concern is that if he reacts like this at his age, what’s he going to be like once a new born baby comes into the picture? Our other main concern is, what’s he going to me like when he grows up?

As I’m not the farther of the child but do have a 9 year old daughter which lives on the other side of the world, I’m not sure how to handle this. Our relationship is becoming very serious and we may even want to relocate into a new suburb, so we can start a new home together. Currently she lives in the city and he does not have any friends to play with. Our thoughts are that if we where to relocate to the suburbs, he may be in a better position to make friend sin the are, perhaps play or ride his bike close to home, where there are many kids about. (Accompanied by on of us of course)

Please can you give us some advice as to how she could deal with this? She loves him very much and I have noticed that the kid misses a mans guidance and that manly interaction. When he and I do things together I can see him opening up and becoming more respective to my affection towards him.

Many Thanks

Christian Lippert
Cape Town
South Africa

[AHP84]

It sounds to me like the boy has basically been given control and been somewhat undisciplined in his life. You mentioned that while his father was alive that the man basically undermined the mother's discipline and was his son's "friend"--not a good place to be as a parent. Then, from your description of his mother, it sounds as if she answers to his every beck and call and doesn't exactly enforce discipline. You also said she tries to reason with him, and children are not mature enough to "reason" with an adult; they need to have firm boundaries set and face consequences for crossing them. Needless to say, when it's only when she's involved in the situation when you and the boy have the problems versus when it's just you and him together.

I think you are in a VERY sensitive situation and must tread lightly. You are in no position to discipline this child as you are not his father or his step-father, and it's not your place to tell his mother how to parent her son. You can, however, let him know that YOU would appreciate respect, but that's about all you can do, and if he doesn't respect you then you should remove yourself from the situation.
Also, PLEASE don't try to conceive a child with this woman just in hopes that it'll make things better for the boy and a family relationship. That is a disaster waiting to happen.

What I can tell you are the issues of discipline and authority between the mother and her son from your description. It sounds like she's too lenient with him and doesn't let him do enough for himself, so in most situations he is the one in control.

Like the bathtub incedent you described; he calls for her NOW and demands her attention even if she's busy for a few minutes, so during that few minutes, instead of doing something for himself or waiting patiently, he lets her know each second of those few minutes of his extreme displeasure. Then he gets what he wants from her.

Or when you show any type of physical affection to his mother, he expresses his irritation without delay or he intervenes, and she lets him. You are in a neutral position and he knows this, so it's all between him and his mom.

If it were my son screaming for me in the bathroom, I'd meet his needs if he couldn't do it himself and then put him in time-out as soon as he was out of the tub (or take away a priviledge), or I'd go in there as soon as I could and demand that he do whatever it is himself, then he would go to time-out as soon as he was out of the tub. I have no tolerance for rude, demanding, and irritating behavior from him.
If he were to be so rude to my boyfriend as this boy is to you, he'd also be disciplined for the rude behavior. There is no reason for rudeness. If he was truly unhappy with the relationship between us to where it affected his behavior in school, among his peers and teachers, and he displayed bad behavior to my boyfriend without my presence, and/or he displayed a change in behavior in my presence without my boyfriend around, then I'd be concerned and probably end the relationship.
But if he only displayed rude behavior when it would be the three of us together, then I know the issue would basically be child-like selfish "this is MY mom and I'm NOT gonna share her with you" behavior that would rightfully receive discipline. If I get a kiss or hold hands with my boyfriend and my son told me that makes him "very angry" and he "doesn't want anyone to hold my hand or touch me," I'd just tell him that's too bad, life ain't always fair, and sometimes he has to share when he dosen't want to; the world doesn't revolve around him and the sooner he realizes that, the better. But I can say that as his mother, KNOWING that I meet his every need and treat him with love and respect. Sometimes as parents, we're going to make our kids angry.

It sounds to me like this is the problem. But again, you're not in a position to really do anything other than tell him that you'd like to be treated nicely because you treat him nicely. Then if he gets rude, all you can do is remove yourself and let the mother handle it and hope that she will quickly realize that it's not a bad thing to demand respect from your child and enforce boundaries.
Your options are most likely one of two:
1) Stay in the relationship and deal with it. At least he's pleasant to be around when it's just the two of you.
2) Leave the relationship.

I hope you all can work something out.

[musicmama]

I can understand the difficulty of your situation.  This child needs to be reassured that you are not trying to take his place, or his father's place.  His mother will always love him regardless of your relationship with his mother.  He obviously feels threatened by you.  Although he needs reassurance, he also needs to be firmly confronted.  He needs to hear from his mother and you that although he is not happy with your relationship, you both have a right to be happy, and you are not going to let him steal your joy.  You may wish to create an outlet for him to vent such as a counselor or a mentor.  Good luck and God bless.

[treazzure007]

EXACTLY what musicmama said

[ChristianCapeTown]

Thanks everyone! Your advise to me is very much appricated.

Gods Bless

Many Thanks

Christan
CT-South Africa