Boy So Very Intrigued/Adores Girls/Women, Dad non-functional

[MJmaf]

My 4 1/2 yr old only son (adopted at 19 months after being in orphanage environment w/ little to no special attention), is so into girls/women.  Loves everything about them.  Long hair, breasts.  Dad is clearly "another child" in the family.  N wants to grow up and be a mom so he can be in charge.  Mom does all the fun stuff - from playing sports to taking walks - and sets the rules, runs the household.  Dad is mildly interactive but is severely depressed and hasn't participated in the family much.  Dad has started to try, but N still GREATLY prefers mom.  N always relates to the woman in a video movie.  In his batman PJ's says he wants to be a queen.  Wants to wear pretend halter tops and bras.  Have gotten him in a preschool now w/ a male teacher and he is excelling in karate class w/ an enthusiastic male instructor to provide some positive male role models.  Yet, when looking at photos, he whines if it is of his dad or uncles, etc.  "I want to see the girls, mom".  I am not gay-phobic, but friends w/ similar outlooks agree that N is sooooo very into women that I may need to get him analyzed.  Have read that one should let their boy pretend play as he likes generally.  Have tried to do that.  N does tell me that I look so beautiful when I wear a dress.  He also tells strangers w/ tons of make up and big hairdos how beautiful they are.  He is awestruck.  I think, though, that he is frustrated that he is not a girl.  I told him that when he grows up he can chose what he wants to be and he says he wants to be a mom.  I explain that he will have to be a dad and he can still do all we do and love his children the way I love him but that makes him sad.  He is so enamored of my old doll.  Loves to play w/ her hair and is soooo very sad at the thought of not having her to play with when I did try the GI Joe idea.  Have heard that about 4-5 boys start to relate more to their dads.  He does not have a good example in his dad to learn from.  Some people are telling me that I need to move out of the house for N's sake.  Dad is only really functional a few hours of the day.  Otherwise, he's a big blob wrapped in a blanket on the sofa or can't get up to go to work, etc.  Dad is trying to do things like coming along to the carnival but he has to force himself to interact/participate that you can tell he's not happy to be there.  Please advise.  Thank you.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

I have not the slightest bit of ambivalence in recommending to you that you arrange mental health evaluation for your son. Many problems of childhood do not require professional intervention (in the manner of face-to-face contact between professional and child). But his early life experience (and its impact on his development), current family situation (dad immobilized by depression) and the idiosyncracies you describe all beg for professional assessment. The situation with your husband is alarming, because his state is so severe and he is unavaliable as a parent. I won't pretend to advise you how to proceed relative to your marriage, but it's clear that your husband is severely imnpaired and needs more intensive treatment of his depression.