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Boyfriend sleeps with 9 year old daughter?
My now X boyfriend is divorced and has a sweet wonderful 9 year old daughter and a 13 year old son.He only has a 1 bedroom apartment and his daughter sleeps with him when they are visiting.We took our time to introduce me into the kids lives and I love them and they love me.I have a home and set up a beautiful bedroom for his daughter and his son sleeps in the "big TV room" well that was the plan.I tried gently to point out to him that sleeping with his daughter is not really appropriate. He acted like I am a nasty minded person for suggesting it was inappropriate but relutantly agreed.However he continues to go sleep with her. If he does come to our bedroon to go to bed she knocks on the door with a tummy ache and he goes and babys her and they go to sleep together,not just together but her head on his chest with her leg thrown over him and his arm around her like boyfriend & girlfriend.Also when we are watchimg T.V. she lays with her head on his lap and sometimes her arm dangling between his legs.And he strokes her hair.The last time he went and slept with her all cuddled up he had been drinking. I had had it. I told him it is totally inappropriate and I am not comfortable with it going on. He blew up and said in front of her that Im sick and think that he is "doing stuff with her"because he slept with her and he caused a big scene upseting her and making me look & feel like a dirty minded jealous girlfriend.I'm pretty sure that I did everything I could to gently help him see that this behavior is not right. I am sure there is not anything sexual going on.Was I being overly protective or trying to stop behavior that can lead to problems.I adore his daughter and am devastated that he made her feel that I in any way blame her for anything.


This discussion is related to Clingy Older Children.
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458384 tn?1295724256
That is a tough one!  Now my first thought was that you were over reacting.  Then I thought about the stats on childhood sex abuse.  The perp is usually the father or a family member or close friend.  In this day and age you really have to watch yourself.  Something done completely innocently can get blown out of proportion  in a hurry!  If you trust that there is nothing going on, then I think you are over reacting.  But it sounds like maybe your gut instinct is telling you that there might be something going on.  I say go with you gut!  If he doesn't want to do it your way and you aren't going to allow it to go on, then maybe it is time for you guys to call it quits!  Also, if you think this child is in danger, maybe you should consider making a call to CPS.  It would be horrible if she were being molested and it were left to go on.  WOW!  I don't
envy you you decision to stay or go, tell or not.....
God Bless You,
D

PS:  just my thoughts on it; hope it helps.  Let me know if you need to talk.
Peace be yours, D
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Follow your gut instinct!!!!  A grown man (father or not) should NOT be sleeping with his pre-teen daughter....YOU ARE RIGHT!  The fact that he became SO defensive should actually make you feel more justified in your thoughts.  

There is a point in time that typically comes naturally to parents and children where you start to feel uncomfortale doing certain things with, or in front of, one another.  I remember there came a piont with my son when I began to CLOSE the bathroom door, and he did too.  He began to ask for his privacy suddenly....it is supposed to come naturally as children near puberty.  That is why this behavior seemed so strange to you the moment you saw it.  I would definitely NOT abandon my initial instincts if I were you.  Keep persuing it!
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484465 tn?1347117312
that type of contact is inappropriate for a father and child of 9 yrs.  he should be teaching her to not lay all over him like that, telling her that she's a big girl now and is capable of doing all things (sitting up, sleeping in her bed) on her own.  bedtime talks and patting her back is okay, but him sleeping w/ her is not.  he may even be doing more things than you're aware of when you're not around.  
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You are exactly right
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I'm 19 and sometimes plop down and sleep with either parent.  I know a friend who is my age,  has had a job in a different state, has her own (loaded) bank account and can get any Guy she wants since she's outgoing as **** who does this too. She's the opposite of me basically.  Not once have either of our parents done anything to us. Maybe your uncomfortable because its not done in the culture you grew up in but it was in the house/culture he did. If you think something's up investigate if not leave him alone
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5174041 tn?1364954731
i would say there is nothing wrong with a daugher father bond like this..not at all!! no offense..but until she hits pubertiy she's gonna be his baby..and even after that. I wouldn't worry about it until she's maybe 12..then think it odd. He sounds like a good dad to me
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I am a 22 year old female and my dad is my hero and always has been. My dad also had a 1 bed flat when we were younger and I used to sleep in his bed cuddled up to him. There is nothing wrong with this. I felt safe with him.. He is a brilliant dad. I now have a daughter of my own and she is really close to her dad and I would never see it as in appropriate for them to sleep in the same bed or have a cuddle no matter what age she is. I still cuddle up to my dad now. I think you're going a bit far with this. If a 9 year old little girl can't cuddle up in bed with her dad without it being inappropriate then that's just rediculous. Let them be...
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I think is ok especially because as single dad I maybe he's trying to compensate for mom not being there is hard to judge someone when we don't know what they've been through
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While this may be a different situation, I (female) slept in my mom's bed until I was 11. I was just really attached to my mom, somewhat scared of the dark (but couldn't sleep with a nightlight), and her bed was just way comfier lol. I think once his daughter hits puberty it would be more inappropriate. My only concern is that men often wake up with, um, morning wood, and that could lead to some awkward explaining or unintentional contact while moving in sleep or getting up.
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I'm a male and slept in my father's bed up until I was nearly 13, sometimes I'd pop in there at age 14(told me to scram at the first sign of me having morning wood, it was hilarious really.) I did sleep with in my mother's bed as well, I was easily as old as 12 years old and would be 'snuggling', 'cuddling' or spooning in an obviously non sexual way, I stopped when I hit puberty(sleeping in my mothers bed) and just it hasn't affected me in any way. If I had to guess, you're not use to seeing family so close( especially father/daughter) and open. She is nine and will be his baby forever. However, I would bet my life she wants her privacy nearing puberty or as she gets just slightly older. You can't come at him like that especially after there's been alcohol and such involved and the child right there. That's just as much your fault as his (if you want to play the blame game...) Anyways, I would say keel am eye and ear out and then follow your gut. I think you'll be extremely happy in the future with him though...... Good luck!
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She will grow out of it. She gets comfort and security from her dad and right now she needs it emotionally. Causing problems could affect her confidence and he will resent you for it, he's being the perfect dad. Leave them be.
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There is no jealousy on your part you simply were not that close to your father and that's OK. Everyone is different. I know that your not drawing negative conclusions but I do think that your picking up on something more psychological, how is your relationship with this little girl truly? Does she consider you an intruder. Rest assured that she will grow out of it in which case you need to decide upon following your instincts with diplomacy or letting the matter go.
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Lastly 9 is very very young and this little girl is her daddies little princess
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I think at this age it fairly innocent and nothing to worry about as she reaches puberty and becomes more aware then I think she will naturally feel uncomfortable  sleeping with her father and that's not that far off it's more the way he reacted to your discomfort that I find worrying and he sounds as if he disregards your feelings, this will probably get worse, as he sounds very immature, theres no way id ever sleep in the same bed as my child of that age ,there  are boundaries he really shouldnt need you to point that out, he is the adult here not his daughter.
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Girl i am so with you on this one, pardon my French but that **** is weird. The fact that its a regular occurrence doesnt seem healthy to me. if he were trying to wean her off of the co-sleeping that would be a different story but it sounds like he doesnt plan to stop. Where is his concern for your feelings? He is literally leaving you to tend to his daughter (who should be comfortable sleeping on her own by now) by sleeping with her knowing you are uncomfortable with it. it sounds very abnormal. The other comment was correct that his daughter is not in the wrong, he is the adult. He is willingly giving up your ability to feel comfortable, your intimacy and the connection he should be forming with you. He must be getting something out of it (by that I dont mean sexually) i mean this is something that is of mutual benefit, otherwise he would not have continued after you have voiced your concern and disapproval. yes he should bond with his daughter and provide stability for her, routines to make her feel comfortable and secure but there are many other ways to do that. I would be curious to see what codependent behaviors he exhibits.
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NOT appropriate. As someone who was molested as a child up until my mid teens...this type of behavior is not what the average dad does. Unless you have proof, you cannot accuse him. However, the daughter may think this is totally normal and will likely not say anything. Fathers do not lay with 11 year old daughters like that. There could be touching going on...he could be getting off on the closeness. This dad should be tucking her in bed, getting her a drink, or medicine for the tummyache...but not laying with her like she's 6 months old.
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My mistake, I meant to type "9 years old".  It's just odd to me.  Why doesn't the daughter get the big room and the son sleep with dad...a little more appropriate? Why don't both kids "camp out" in the living room? This dad is divorced and could be..."could be"...substituting his daughter for comfort...being too clingy. You are the girlfriend and he should trust you enough to have you, a female, check on her as well. Awkward that he goes in and falls asleep...that is just simply weird. And drinking and crawling in bed with her...red flag and odd...say something to the ex-wife if you can and dump him if he can't see your point.
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I disagree with you women. I met my gf with a 9 month old baby and they lived with me for three years. Her father was mia since the day she was born so I stepped in and we eventually bonded to the point she would call me her dad. At the age of three tabbed time she was aloud to watch 30 min of cartoons and would want me to lay in bed with her. It was common for her to lay her head on me and watch cartoons. I tried my best to make her feel special and like a princess cause she had no male role model in her life. It was completely adorable our relationship. I think  If a father doesn't show their daughter affection to a point when they get older they will seek it from other men "daddy issues" now I can't say what would have continued as she got older but at 9-10 I'd say that maybe about the age limit where she would naturally not feel comfortable herself doing those things. Defiantly at teen years I'd think that would become a little more awkward for her. But as a loving dad and father if my little angle wanted to lay her head on me at any age even 20, I wouldn't push her away. There is nothing wrong with a daughter that loves her daddy and vs vrs. You guys are just being jealous.
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