My boyfriend is 59 years of age, but looks and acts a lot younger. He is very charming and attractive. I am near his age, and we have been dating a couple months. We have had a talk about his engaging (flirting with) other women (waitresses, clerks, etc.) and joking with them when I am with him, to the point that the bantering makes me very uncomfortable. It was very hard for me to mention to him, and when I asked him didn't his other two wives ever say anything, he said no... No one has ever mentioned it to him....I found that really hard to believe, because he is so "out there", but he did say he would work on that, even though he wouldn't call it flirting.
My concern at this point is this. I met his 17-year old niece. The relationship does not seem healthy. The bantering back and forth, the playfulness, the attention, the teasing back and forth...Kissing her on the forehead, her shoulder...When she said goodbye she pulled his head toward her (she was standing, he was sitting in a chair) and his head rested on her chest as she hugged him (she was wearing an off the shoulder tube top)...I was very uncomfortable with it. We also talked about this. How I felt it was something a couple teenagers with crushes would act with each other and how uncomfortable I felt, and now that she was older it was inappropriate. He said that would change...We do not see this niece very often so time will tell about that.
A couple times he has talked with little girls in the store when their mom's weren't present.......I haven't said anything yet, but plan to... He met my 6-year old niece and took to her immediately. Did his little playfulness with her and even sat her on his lap hugging on her. If I let that behavior continue I can see it happening as she gets older and into her teens (as it has with his own niece). Yesterday was what has me especially anxious, so I am on here trying to get some insight into all of this. His employee has a daughter about 6-7 years of age...before I met her yesterday he said he jokes with her that she is his girlfriend. He interacted with her so much yesterday, that again I felt very uncomfortable. Hugging on her, going out of his way to get her attention, she sitting on his lap...acting like a little boy with a crush on a little girl. She adores him...not wanting to get out of his arms. My gut is telling me that all of this is not right. I have been trying to research what his behavior would be referred to and all I keep coming up with his a "perv" or dirty old man. I am struggling about how to talk to him about his interaction with little girls...one part of me tells me I am wrong for thinking something is wrong when maybe all he's doing is being loving, but my gut tells me to address this issue. I don't know if I want to be a part of his life because of this. And I don't know if this behavior is something that can be changed.... or if I should let him go... I need help in trying to explain to him how I feel, and even though we had talked about his niece and the inappropriate relationship, I don't think he thinks it should apply to other younger girls, since he's done that since, but like I said, I can see those relationships becoming more unhealthy as time progresses.... Help please....Thank you.
I really don't think that he is a child predator...he doesn't seem to have the other characteristics I've read about. I think he likes to give and get the attention though, to young and old alike, and when I talked with him about the bantering back and forth with waitresses, etc. I said perhaps he needed his ego stroked or his confidence built up. He didn't say much about that comment...in fact we really didn't have much a conversation on his end at all, he just that he said things would change. Which since that point he has toned the flirting down a bit with women he encounters (when I am with him at least...). But the little girls really has me worried, and even if I break it up with him, I feel that I have to at least let him know that it isn't right...that it doesn't feel right in my heart and that I'm sure other people can see that too... Thank you for your comment.
I think the most concerning thing is his reaction. If this was just playfulness towards a child or teen, one would expect him to be outraged at your suggestion to him that his behavior is out of line. Instead, he immediately concedes and says he'll change? That right there is a huge red flag, in my opinion.
It doesn't sound like he is doing anything outwardly "sexual" towards these girls, but the fact that your gut is saying something isn't right is worrisome. We have an internal kind of radar when it comes to observing other people in action. That your internal alarm is going off speaks volumes.
Lastly...how does he act toward young boys? Does he give them a lot of attention and dote over them like he does with females? If not, I think that's just another red flag.
I'm sorry, but I agree that maybe you should rethink your choice of him as a partner.
Thank you...yes, personal boundaries. I feel strongly for this man, and am wondering if this pattern is something that can be changed because he doesn't see it as a problem and no one has ever brought it up to him before (or have they and I just know about it) or if it is in him to stay... At this point I can't have a future with him because of it, but if it's just something he's never realized (old school?) maybe things would be different if I brought it to his attention? Am I naive? Should I bring it to his attention so he's aware and can think about changing his behavior? We are very good together and I believe that he loves me... but.... should I tell him everything I said here to get if off my chest and then break it off with him? That's what I'm feeling, unless someone tells me that it's possible he just doesn't realize what he's doing. Gosh that sounds stupid. I don't want to judge him so harshly...but....
Thanks for your comments...yes, he conceded and no display of anger or anything...I think he did realize... and you're right nothing outwardly sexual towards the little girls, but as with his older niece as she get older, then it appears to become more playful and sexual (she's used to it, he's used to it...it's their "normal"). He does not act the same towards young boys. His 6-year-old step son was also at the house when I met his other little "girlfriend", and they roughhoused, but that seemed normal and no flags.
In all honesty, I believe with my whole heart that we date someone in order to judge whether we should move things to the next level. so often, we ignore red flags. You told him about the firting w/ other women and that it bothers you. Let's see if he stops it.
but you are grossed out, bothered, concerned, however you want to put it about his putting young girls on his lap and the way he acts almost 'flirty' with them. It is odd, I tell you. AND, it is odd the relationship he has with his niece.
What if your gut is right? By the way, most men that have odd propensities with children have a totally normal life on the outside with a wife (who ignores little red flags) and the whole shebang.
I would keep your eyes wide open. This warning bell was ringing loud enough to make you ask the question about him. It is hard to hear that some agree with you when you like this man and wanted things to work out. But this would be hard for me to ignore. good luck
Thank you specialmom... I needed to hear that. I didn't know how to put it exactly into words so I read him my letter and the responses last night while we were on the phone. There was a little laughter at one point, a little anger, a little justification, a little denial and he said he was going to have to think about all of this and he let me go. He was not happy...I guess if I hadn't seen how these type of "relationships" end up (as with his teenage niece) it wouldn't have bothered me so much, but seeing how his relationship progressed with his teenaged niece, it just put a whole new spin on it.
This forum really helped me get to the point where I could talk to him about this without feeling like I was wrong to think this way. It's nice to have a place to "air" and to get feedback. I am thankful to this forum for being here and I am thankful to you gals who responded.
I'm sure I have damaged this relationship by speaking with him but I know someone had to bring this to his attention, and in all the years he's been married and single, it's about time someone has. Like you said...flags like this cannot be ignored. Thank you all for giving me the courage to speak. Will probably post one more time if he calls me again after he has had the time to think about it. Hugs.
I agree wholeheartedly with what everyone has said and I commend you for bringing it up to him - I am know it was not easy. You should be proud.
Hopefully the feedback will help him, but in my experience it is very hard for to people to change, especially in very significant ways unless they really, really want to. I am afraid that now you may even have a harder decision to face.
I wish you good luck and will share some advice that my mom always gave me: never have a wishbone where your backbone should be.
in the normal course of events, fathers distance themselves from their daughters to some extent as they grow up. And brothers don't get as demonstrative with their sistera. This is an obvious avoidance of sexuality. What concerns me is the sitting in his lap business. That could certainly be sexual, with the little girls too young to realize it.
I love your mother for saying that... So very true.
Abby, I'm sorry you had that choice to make, but I really think you made the right one. As a mother, I always worry about people behaving incorrectly with my baby girl, & I have to say, I would probably lose it if some guy pulled that with my daughter! He needed to hear that from someone in his life, I'm just glad you were strong enough to do it.
Good luck, & on behalf of mothers everywhere, thank you!
Good morning.... just a quick update on my "problem'... Our conversations since my last post...My boyfriend thinks I am worth working things out and that if I wasn't he would have walked away from me with my insinuations. At first my boyfriend said that it was a southern sociable thing, different from the "northerners" attitude... After talking with my boyfriend, putting how I felt in different ways to make sure he completely understood me, he assures me he has no interest in little girls in any other way other than being fun and friendly with them....and didn't realize what he was doing was inappropriate for today's society... He's never had children, and he loves children -- boys and girls alike (in his words)... and he thought about what I said...and he said he understood and that that would change. I believe he now understands that he can't be talking to little girls in the stores without their parents around, that he can't have little girls squirming on his lap as they get older, that he shouldn't go out of his way to give them attention, and I believe he aware that it is confusing for little girls to call them their girlfriend, or give them extra attention when they are not his children or related (and then there are also boundaries as they get older.)... I also asked him to consider that possibly when he shows extra attention that perhaps these little girls will seek out older men as they get into their teens and think about dating...was something that crossed my mind, so I brought that out also. He said he wouldn't want them doing that...that he never thought about that, but he understood the possibility. He's never had anyone bring this to his attention, but he knows all personalities are different and sometimes we have to tweak or change things to make each other comfortable. I really believe he is a good man with a good heart, but I will be watchful...my heart isn't in this relationship 100%, but only time will tell if I can be there for him completely. Right now, I think we have things worked out...there is an understanding...on his part. I am lucky to have someone who will listen to me and be there even in the most trying times. Thank you again for addressing my concerns. I'm going to close this post.... All the best, Abby.
A close relative of mine has lived down south since a young man. When I last saw him he had developed the same inappropriate behavior as the man we are discussing. it is probably just a coincidence, but his actions were extremely unusual for a member of our family. He stopped (at least when I was present) when I told him he sounded like a dirty old man.
I would really like to understand why a man would act that way in the first place...all I can think is, that since he is overly "friendly" with women also (or I should was...since he's trying to keep it in check), he is seeking adoration...or wants everyone to think he is charming and funny.... is there a diagnose for that condition I wonder, or a term for it?
Thats what some of them do I saw a young nephew of 6 sat upon the'lap' of his 18 year old uncle the jiggling' and movements were very inappropiate I stared at them and said 'Thats not allowed' they knew what I meant ...they stopped , but have never been in contact again and the perp is now in his 30s
The "keeping it in check," or "trying to change," is worrisome. If it is a deep-seated trait, and not just the copying of behavior in his social circle, the outward manifestations might change, but the underlying problem would remain. Is it merely a need to be found attractive by all women? To be popular? If so, that would be shallow and juvenile, but relatively harmless.
Thank you for your feedback, Nola...I like what your mom used to say..."NEVER HAVE A WISHBONE WHERE YOUR BACKBONE SHOULD BE"...that was good :o) It was SUPER, super hard for me to even mention my feelings to him... and I'm glad I did. Thank you for your support. :o)
From my experience in life he is a perv. My mother's friend boyfriend was like that. I was about 11 years old and he use to treat me the same way. I felt uncomfortable around him for some reason and told my mother. My mother and I stop being around him. Make a long story short he was messing with my mother's friend daughter the whole time they was growing up and she was younger than me about 4 or 5 years younger. She finally told someone after she moved out her parents home. That's my story and experience, maybe you should see if you two can go to therapy sessions or counseling.
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