Aa
Boyfriends 7 yr old
I have been involved in relationships that have kids but when I got involved with this one I had no idea how hard it was going to be. I am a 35 yr old professional woman that lives in an apartment with my dog. I decided not to have children so I got my tubes tied and have no regrets doing so. After this weekend I know why. My boyfriend whom I care & love very much has a 7 yr old boy. I have never experienced such a needy & demanding little boy. He can't stay nor be alone. When my boyfriends in the shower he sits by the door waiting for him to finish. If the door is unlocked he will go in the the bathroom & wait for him to get done. Is this seperation anxiety? He is attached to the hip of my boyfriend. He has all the classical signs of being spoiled. I do believe that his mother jumps at every whim to keep him from lashing out. He has temper tantrums if my b/f is out of sight. He manipulates every situation to get his way. The down side to that is that it works. This weekend I spanked him & put him in the back seat of the car while my b/f was in the grocery store. You would of thought I was killing the kid. We have an understanding with discipline & we do believe in spanking. We do not reward bad behavior. He threw 4 temper tantrums in one day, he absoulutly has no independence. He can't play by himself. He has to constantly have a playmate. When he has a playmate he is very bossy. We have been seeing eachother for a yr now & it has gotten worse as time goes on. I am worried that he has the potenial to turn violent when he reaches puberty. He was held back in the first grade b/c he wasn't mature enough to continue. I enjoy this man but don't enjoy his child. He has come between us so many times our relationship is on the line and I reached my ropes end. We are very active with him, we read, go camping, praise him when he deserves it & he is rewarded when he does his chores. Which involves feeding the dog, taking the garbage out, ect. I like to believe we are raising to be a responsible young adult. Where is this behavior coming from? Visiting is every other weekend. It's horrible & I no longer know what to do. I realize its hard in a divorced family b/c discipline is inconsistant between homes. The mother has a b/f as well. When he is asked if there is something going on at home, he doesn't say anything. Is there a reason why he doesn't feel safe or is he scared that his dad is going to up & leave him? I don't know what the root of the problem may be, we have discussed it all weekend long and have no answers.
Open for advice and suggestions.
Open for advice and suggestions.
along with just sounding like a spoiled kid, divorce is really hard on kids. I remember my parents got divorced when i was 5 and it really screwed my relationships up with my parents... this ended up affecting my parents relationships. i dont know how long ur boyfriend has been divorced but that might be affecting his sons relationship to him...
Why is it that everyone reacts to the word "spanking" as though it is compared to a severe beating. In my world, spanking means arranging your hand across the bottom end of a child and smaking them hard enough to get their attention! It does not mean brutally beating a poor child to near death and then rushing them to the emergency room! Again, this world simply and eagerly blows everything spoken into gradious exaggerations.
I love children and they love me in return. However, they must be taught to respect their elders (including parents) and to obey those commands that are given to them out of pure love. Spare the rod and spoil the child---where have I heard that before?
Once again, I read into this girls original plea that she does love the child--(read the part that says she and her boyfriend spend time with this child). She is simply wanting to discipline this child and cares enough to steer him in the right path at this early age. Sounds to me like she and her boyfriend have made decisions together and have the child's best interest at heart.
I love children and they love me in return. However, they must be taught to respect their elders (including parents) and to obey those commands that are given to them out of pure love. Spare the rod and spoil the child---where have I heard that before?
Once again, I read into this girls original plea that she does love the child--(read the part that says she and her boyfriend spend time with this child). She is simply wanting to discipline this child and cares enough to steer him in the right path at this early age. Sounds to me like she and her boyfriend have made decisions together and have the child's best interest at heart.
Halleluia--there are still some young parents out there that still believe in Spanking. I can tell from thoroughly reading this girls e-mails and responses that she is not one to deliberately hurt any child. At least she and her b/f are trying to point this child down the right path. I raised two of my own kids, several of their friends and my grandson for two years after his father's untimely death. My Mother never heard of a "time out"! If we did something wrong, we knew we would get a spanking. I believe that if more of you out there would resort to spanking again and quit letting your children run over you, we wouldn't have near the problems in society that we do. It's called suffering the consequences of bad behavior!
It appears to me that this little boy at the tender age of seven is a master of manipulation and victimization. Guess what's going to happen to him in another seven years if he continues down this path!! He should feel very lucky that he has a Dad and girlfriend that at least take an interest in him. For you that made the comment about "if you were his Mother, you'd take legal action"---I say bullhunky! If the mother had been taking the time that this little boy needs in the first place, none of this would have happened!
It appears to me that this little boy at the tender age of seven is a master of manipulation and victimization. Guess what's going to happen to him in another seven years if he continues down this path!! He should feel very lucky that he has a Dad and girlfriend that at least take an interest in him. For you that made the comment about "if you were his Mother, you'd take legal action"---I say bullhunky! If the mother had been taking the time that this little boy needs in the first place, none of this would have happened!
send me the link and we can still visit. I don't normally do this but my secondary email is belgian_drafts***@****
thanks!!
thanks!!
I am still reading!!
I'm so glad you've made the decision not to visit for a while during the son's visits. You'll see quickly if the little boy is just "playing" dad b/c he sees him less.
Yeah for you for sending him the crayons. I smiled when I read that part!!!!
I agree that "spanking" needs to be clearly defined--I wasn't spanked as harshly as a child as my husband was. He remembers clearly the times when his dad took a broom stick on him--but, he didn't repeat bad behavior...EVER. And, he's a great dad, loving, compassionate, and an overall great guy. I was spanked very little, and never harsly enough for me to recall one event. I turned out to be a spoiled brat teen/college kid, who expected the world to bow at my commands. I only grew up after I had my own kids!! (LOL)
So, there is validation, but there needs to be clarification sometimes.
Don't really have anything else to add...just wanted you to know that I was still reading, and would love to continue talking with you. If you ever visit the "womens health" forum, lots of us hang out over there.
Bye!
I'm so glad you've made the decision not to visit for a while during the son's visits. You'll see quickly if the little boy is just "playing" dad b/c he sees him less.
Yeah for you for sending him the crayons. I smiled when I read that part!!!!
I agree that "spanking" needs to be clearly defined--I wasn't spanked as harshly as a child as my husband was. He remembers clearly the times when his dad took a broom stick on him--but, he didn't repeat bad behavior...EVER. And, he's a great dad, loving, compassionate, and an overall great guy. I was spanked very little, and never harsly enough for me to recall one event. I turned out to be a spoiled brat teen/college kid, who expected the world to bow at my commands. I only grew up after I had my own kids!! (LOL)
So, there is validation, but there needs to be clarification sometimes.
Don't really have anything else to add...just wanted you to know that I was still reading, and would love to continue talking with you. If you ever visit the "womens health" forum, lots of us hang out over there.
Bye!
One area hardly clarified that's so important re: spanking is how they're spanked. Yeah, most of my friends were spanked and spank their children now. However, when I think of spanking a child I think of like mentioned- a few swats on the bottom. I was so suprised to hear of how many people were spanked like me- the 'old fashioned way' which was across my dad's lap,with my pants and underwear pulled down. I was more suprised to hear how badly it DID affect me and not others. I wish they had the knowledge parents have today knowing such a spanking bare-bottomed is humiliating,violating and literally seems like too much pain for teaching him they did something wrong. I still in my 30's resent those spankings and remember thinking back then it just wasn't necessary. I also used to cry seeing my sister spanked this way. So when I hear 'spanking' of children today I first say "Well, what do you mean exactly". I feel that had it been a quick smack on the butt, I wouldn't harbor such anger and resentment. Oddly my husband was also spanked bare-bottom, and doesn't seem to have this same anger as me..I know some kids too are so sensitive, it just isn't necessary and other kids- well, it honestly does seem like it's the only thing they'll respond too.
I guess it would all depend on how of sensitive person you are. You would deal with it differently. Since I was disciplined "old school" and was a ranch kid, we weren't allowed what is allowed today. Let me be more specific, tv, computers, xboxes, ect. We were working the ranch at age 5 that was our lively hood. I remember my mother taking a rubber hose after me. Boy I never forgot that one but I also didnt' do what it was that I done again. I would never spank a kid like that. I turned out fine and I am mentally healthy. Now my child hood friend, while we were growing up I remember her mother taking a pitch fork after her for not doing the dishes. She is really haveing some issues with life and abuses her children. So I think we all have our opinions about discipline. I am a tough woman, tougher than most. My mother was running her own boot camp I think. I thank her for turning me into the woman I am today, no matter how rough it was for me as a kid. And it was TOUGH!!! My BF had a easy childhood but still got spanked. No matter the humiliation you went through, know that your an adult now and you can be better than that. I am not saying that I went through any tougher times than others but I can admit that even the mostly spanked would be amazed on how I grew up. Most of all I feel right about it.
Hello to everyone..Is there anyone still reading this post? I want to take this time to vent. This little boy came home from school one day complaining bout not having crayons in school along with other school supplies. Dad (BF) was very very upset and began to wonder what the hell he is paying child support for. Where is the money going? So I took upon myself to make him a care package with crayons and the things he asked for. It was a big box full of fun stuff for home and school. I live in the Black Hills, 250 miles away. I sent it to his house. Well to make a long story short, she sent it back.
On the more positive side. He is going to couseling on a regular basis. Although he doesn't talk to the therapist I am hoping that one day he will open up to him and talk about whatever it is that is bothering him.
On another note: We both agreed that I won't be visiting while it on the vistitation weekends. If he is threatened by me we will know by the he acts when I am not around. If that is the case then I am ready to eat humble pie. However that will NOT make a difference nor stop us from seeing eachother but will help all of us understand eachother a bit more.
Thanks for all the support from all you gals!!
On the more positive side. He is going to couseling on a regular basis. Although he doesn't talk to the therapist I am hoping that one day he will open up to him and talk about whatever it is that is bothering him.
On another note: We both agreed that I won't be visiting while it on the vistitation weekends. If he is threatened by me we will know by the he acts when I am not around. If that is the case then I am ready to eat humble pie. However that will NOT make a difference nor stop us from seeing eachother but will help all of us understand eachother a bit more.
Thanks for all the support from all you gals!!
I JUST WANT TO TELL EVERYONE. GOD WAS THE PERFECT PARENT AND EVEN HIS TWO KIDS MESSED UP.. ADAM AND EVE. HE TOLD THEM THEY COULD HAVE EVERYTHING IN THE GARDEN EXCEPT THE APPLE. BUT THEY TO HAVE A FREE WILL AND WENT AGAINST WHAT GOD HAD INSTRUCTED THEM NOT TO DO. THEREFORE THERE WAS A HUGE CONSEQUENCE. IT WAS THEN THAT ALL HELL BROKE LOSE. ITS A UGLY WORD CALLED SIN.
GOD GAVE US ALL A FREE WILL ANOTHER WORDS HE DOESNT MAKE US LOVE HIM HE WANTS US TO LOVE HIM. ITS CALLED CHOICE. I BELIEVE IF WE TAKE THAT PERSPECTIVE WITH OUR CHILDREN ALLOWING THERE FREE WILL BUT TEACHING WITH CHOICES THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES NATURAL OR BY THE PARENT AND CONTINUE TO NURTURE AND LOVE THEY WILL RETURN THAT BACK TO US. DAD AND GIRLFRIEND CONTINUE DOIN WHAT YOUR DOING. SET A GOOD EXAMPLE BY YOUR CHOICES MAYBE WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE MARRIED BEFORE YOU SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER. OR WHATEVER. MAKE SURE U ALLOW HIM TO BE A PART OF YOUR WEDDING AND FUTURE CHILDREN IM SURE YOU WILL. MY KIDS WERE NEVER A BIG PART OF THERE DAD AND STEPMOMS WEDDING CHILDREN AND WHATEVER ELSE AND NOW I SEE THE EFFECTS IT HAS HAD ON MY KIDS. THEY LOVE THERE DAD ALOT BUT THEY TRULY LEARN BY EXAMPLE. I ALSO HAVE TWO STEP DAUGHTERS ONE WHO LIVES WITH US AND IM SURE THE OTHER IS TO FOLLOW. ALOT OF INSTABILITY ON THERE MOMS SIDE. ONE THING I ALWAYS MAKE SURE I DON'T DO IS TALK DOWN ON THE OTHER PARENT IT ONLY HURTS THE CHILD AND STRESSES YOU OUT. I FIND PRAYING FOR THEM IS BETTER. THE KIDS ARENT STUPID THE PROOF IS IN THE EATING THEY SOON FIGURE OUT WHAT KIND OF PERSON THERE PARENTS ARE. GOOD OR BAD. ANYWAY GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING CONTINUE TO DO THE RIGHT THING AND IT WILL ALL WORK OUT..
GOD GAVE US ALL A FREE WILL ANOTHER WORDS HE DOESNT MAKE US LOVE HIM HE WANTS US TO LOVE HIM. ITS CALLED CHOICE. I BELIEVE IF WE TAKE THAT PERSPECTIVE WITH OUR CHILDREN ALLOWING THERE FREE WILL BUT TEACHING WITH CHOICES THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES NATURAL OR BY THE PARENT AND CONTINUE TO NURTURE AND LOVE THEY WILL RETURN THAT BACK TO US. DAD AND GIRLFRIEND CONTINUE DOIN WHAT YOUR DOING. SET A GOOD EXAMPLE BY YOUR CHOICES MAYBE WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE MARRIED BEFORE YOU SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER. OR WHATEVER. MAKE SURE U ALLOW HIM TO BE A PART OF YOUR WEDDING AND FUTURE CHILDREN IM SURE YOU WILL. MY KIDS WERE NEVER A BIG PART OF THERE DAD AND STEPMOMS WEDDING CHILDREN AND WHATEVER ELSE AND NOW I SEE THE EFFECTS IT HAS HAD ON MY KIDS. THEY LOVE THERE DAD ALOT BUT THEY TRULY LEARN BY EXAMPLE. I ALSO HAVE TWO STEP DAUGHTERS ONE WHO LIVES WITH US AND IM SURE THE OTHER IS TO FOLLOW. ALOT OF INSTABILITY ON THERE MOMS SIDE. ONE THING I ALWAYS MAKE SURE I DON'T DO IS TALK DOWN ON THE OTHER PARENT IT ONLY HURTS THE CHILD AND STRESSES YOU OUT. I FIND PRAYING FOR THEM IS BETTER. THE KIDS ARENT STUPID THE PROOF IS IN THE EATING THEY SOON FIGURE OUT WHAT KIND OF PERSON THERE PARENTS ARE. GOOD OR BAD. ANYWAY GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING CONTINUE TO DO THE RIGHT THING AND IT WILL ALL WORK OUT..
I think you are doing a great job in trying to find help for his son!!!
It takes a strong person to be a step parent, hang in there. I think at this point you have already become a steady part of the boy's life and it would be horrible for you to walk out now. He has gotten use to the idea of you being around with his dad, he would feel abandoned again if you walkrd out.
Keep trying hard because all children deserve love and the chance to live a full life. Divorce is tough especially for young children, they sometimes blame themselves, with a lot of love and support from both of you then he has a better chance of getting past this.
I have 3 children and just got remarried, my husband had no children and then an instant family. He has done such a good job at being a step parent, which is difficult becaus4e I have an 8 year old son with Bipolar disorder. My husband doe sgreat with him, especially when I have had enough and need to walk away, he takes over.
Keep up the fight for him and he will come around. The best thing for him is stability!!!!
It takes a strong person to be a step parent, hang in there. I think at this point you have already become a steady part of the boy's life and it would be horrible for you to walk out now. He has gotten use to the idea of you being around with his dad, he would feel abandoned again if you walkrd out.
Keep trying hard because all children deserve love and the chance to live a full life. Divorce is tough especially for young children, they sometimes blame themselves, with a lot of love and support from both of you then he has a better chance of getting past this.
I have 3 children and just got remarried, my husband had no children and then an instant family. He has done such a good job at being a step parent, which is difficult becaus4e I have an 8 year old son with Bipolar disorder. My husband doe sgreat with him, especially when I have had enough and need to walk away, he takes over.
Keep up the fight for him and he will come around. The best thing for him is stability!!!!
For the record, I'm all for spanking, and I don't believe that you two were beating your kid, nor did I imply that. I feel it is very important to discipline your child, and if that means a swat on the butt every so often, then so be it. I'm not a parent yet, but I was spanked as a kid myself, and turned out just fine, and I love both my parents and know why they did it. It was never abuse. I've talked to a lot of my friends who ARE parents, and every one of them spank their kids. They're not beat. They get a little smack on their butts that's just enough to get their attention. Sometimes a time out just doesn't work, you know? I have no experience with being a step parent or step child, but I do know what it was like getting spankings as a kid, and I'm not messed up and hate myself or my parents for it. Good luck to you - both of you! It sounds like you're really trying to make this work.
Go Dad!!
The voice of authority speaks, and speaks with strength.
I admire your words...that your son won't dictate who is a part of your life. Kids are resilient..and I think he'll be glad one day (I know that I was...at least the first stepmother..) to have a relationship with the person that you've chosen to (?)marry.
Thanks for the compliment, but there are lots of smart people here. I learn something new everyday!!
Good luck, and keep posting...Heather
The voice of authority speaks, and speaks with strength.
I admire your words...that your son won't dictate who is a part of your life. Kids are resilient..and I think he'll be glad one day (I know that I was...at least the first stepmother..) to have a relationship with the person that you've chosen to (?)marry.
Thanks for the compliment, but there are lots of smart people here. I learn something new everyday!!
Good luck, and keep posting...Heather
THIS IS THE DAD:
Maryheather: your the only one who makes sense to me. I appreciate the advice. You truly are a smart woman.
I was raised in a stable home. I am the youngest of 3 siblings. I was a spoiled child as well. My mother did most of the discipline and that included spankings. Being raised in the midwest most specifically in North Dakota as was my GF. If we misbehaved we were shoveling **it for a week. If I were raising my son like I was raised this behavior would not be happening. Is this caused by my gf spankings? I think not, it is caused from inadequate parenting on both parts. He is in a fragile state, no doubt about that. The posts sound like we are beating him with in an inch of his life and we most certainly are not. The discipline he recieves is mild. I do believe the discipline is different in other areas of the country. We discipline our childern "old school" my GF definitly has permission to spank him. In my opinion the relationship with my son and my GF is a good one. The spanking that he recieved at the time was about respect. How is he going to respect anyone as an adult. Specially for the most part, women. I am paying for the after math of a divorce. It's not easy nor meant to be but I do believe he will be just fine. The relationship between him and my GF will continue to grow. I am not going to allow an 8 yr old little boy to choose who is a part of my life and who is not. There is enough of me to go around. We are not going to fold and there IS marriage in the future. My son is number 1 a priority that has never been a question. His mental health is very important. I got off of the right track during the divorce, my mistake. My GF is strong woman and looking out for the best interest for my son. She helped open my eyes and things are better now.
There is no doubt that we will be a strong family, we are surviors.
Thank you,
A concerned Dad
PS...we will enjoy every B-day till he is 30+.
Maryheather: your the only one who makes sense to me. I appreciate the advice. You truly are a smart woman.
I was raised in a stable home. I am the youngest of 3 siblings. I was a spoiled child as well. My mother did most of the discipline and that included spankings. Being raised in the midwest most specifically in North Dakota as was my GF. If we misbehaved we were shoveling **it for a week. If I were raising my son like I was raised this behavior would not be happening. Is this caused by my gf spankings? I think not, it is caused from inadequate parenting on both parts. He is in a fragile state, no doubt about that. The posts sound like we are beating him with in an inch of his life and we most certainly are not. The discipline he recieves is mild. I do believe the discipline is different in other areas of the country. We discipline our childern "old school" my GF definitly has permission to spank him. In my opinion the relationship with my son and my GF is a good one. The spanking that he recieved at the time was about respect. How is he going to respect anyone as an adult. Specially for the most part, women. I am paying for the after math of a divorce. It's not easy nor meant to be but I do believe he will be just fine. The relationship between him and my GF will continue to grow. I am not going to allow an 8 yr old little boy to choose who is a part of my life and who is not. There is enough of me to go around. We are not going to fold and there IS marriage in the future. My son is number 1 a priority that has never been a question. His mental health is very important. I got off of the right track during the divorce, my mistake. My GF is strong woman and looking out for the best interest for my son. She helped open my eyes and things are better now.
There is no doubt that we will be a strong family, we are surviors.
Thank you,
A concerned Dad
PS...we will enjoy every B-day till he is 30+.
I just wanted to say that the poster is not a step-parent. She is the child's father's girfriend. The fact that she is dating this man, does not make her a step parent. This guy is REALLY messing up his kid to allow all of this in the first place.
If they were married, or even living together in a committed lifelong relationship, then this would be different, but they are not, so she has no parental authority whatsoever on my opinion. My mother dated men after my biological father died. She didn't bring them home and allow them to play "daddy" to me. She did eventually re-marry and the "stepdad" adopted me and my brother. He was my "dad" after a lot of time and commitment on his part. So my point is that this woman is NOT a step parent, she is just a woman in the father's life that may or may not be around in the coming years, and the Dad is REALLY messing things up.
To all you REAL step parents, KUDOS and hats off to you for stepping up to the plate. And to all of you stepkids out there, you are the ones that can put yourself into the child's shoes. From everything I've read, he has a long, hard road ahead of him with all of the "grown ups" in and out of his life. No wonder he is such a mess.
--J
If they were married, or even living together in a committed lifelong relationship, then this would be different, but they are not, so she has no parental authority whatsoever on my opinion. My mother dated men after my biological father died. She didn't bring them home and allow them to play "daddy" to me. She did eventually re-marry and the "stepdad" adopted me and my brother. He was my "dad" after a lot of time and commitment on his part. So my point is that this woman is NOT a step parent, she is just a woman in the father's life that may or may not be around in the coming years, and the Dad is REALLY messing things up.
To all you REAL step parents, KUDOS and hats off to you for stepping up to the plate. And to all of you stepkids out there, you are the ones that can put yourself into the child's shoes. From everything I've read, he has a long, hard road ahead of him with all of the "grown ups" in and out of his life. No wonder he is such a mess.
--J
Yes, Yes, yes!!!
I have one child who gets chooses to get spanked, because it is immediate and has no "lasting" consequences for her!! (We have since changed our method of discipline for her....lol)
My other child gets a tiny little swat on the hand and you would think his world had come to an end...
Needless to say, I agree totally with what you're saying---every child is different.
And...you've caused me to think through what my step's were thinking as I was an older teen/young woman and they were trying to "partner" with my parents on disciplining me. Thanks for the new perspective.
That's why I love this place!!
To the original poster: I still think you're doing a great job by trying to find a solution, especially if marriage is anywhere in the future. You have to establish relationship with this child in some way that works for you. However, I think we all agree that you don't have the responsibility of spanking him (BE GLAD....that part of the job is horrible.)
Also, try the book, 1-2-3 Magic. You can look it up on the web...and it was invaluable to me. We have a child with ADHD, and she's the one who prefers spanking---she is definitely strong willed...and this book was great for us.
Good luck to all....and Carmella, thanks for the insight.
MH
I have one child who gets chooses to get spanked, because it is immediate and has no "lasting" consequences for her!! (We have since changed our method of discipline for her....lol)
My other child gets a tiny little swat on the hand and you would think his world had come to an end...
Needless to say, I agree totally with what you're saying---every child is different.
And...you've caused me to think through what my step's were thinking as I was an older teen/young woman and they were trying to "partner" with my parents on disciplining me. Thanks for the new perspective.
That's why I love this place!!
To the original poster: I still think you're doing a great job by trying to find a solution, especially if marriage is anywhere in the future. You have to establish relationship with this child in some way that works for you. However, I think we all agree that you don't have the responsibility of spanking him (BE GLAD....that part of the job is horrible.)
Also, try the book, 1-2-3 Magic. You can look it up on the web...and it was invaluable to me. We have a child with ADHD, and she's the one who prefers spanking---she is definitely strong willed...and this book was great for us.
Good luck to all....and Carmella, thanks for the insight.
MH
You seem just a trifle angry at the world---
No, I am not a step-parent, I am a step-child, a few times over, so I have every right to an opinion on this issue, I just happen to have an opinion from the other side.
As far as the comment about being intelligent, I was simply stating that I am not some back-woods freak that spanks her kids...that is one opinion on these forums is that people who "spank" just can't come up with any other way to discipline.
I apologize if my inference of your phrase "pleasant" came across as meaning "free for all". I just can't think of a place where a child "likes" being disciplined and held accountable for their actions. It's a tough world out there, and both parents are responsible for directing their children in the right way.
I agree with you totally about the book "Raising your spirited child". I, myself, have read this book. Great advice!!
Just like you, I have an opinion. It just seems to differ from yours. That's what the forum is for, right? Try not to get so incensed...just accept that everyone is different. The original poster has gotten great advice from all sides. We just need to be careful that we don't insult one another when we respond.
Hope you have a fabulous day, and I look forward to reading more from you in future posts...
MH
No, I am not a step-parent, I am a step-child, a few times over, so I have every right to an opinion on this issue, I just happen to have an opinion from the other side.
As far as the comment about being intelligent, I was simply stating that I am not some back-woods freak that spanks her kids...that is one opinion on these forums is that people who "spank" just can't come up with any other way to discipline.
I apologize if my inference of your phrase "pleasant" came across as meaning "free for all". I just can't think of a place where a child "likes" being disciplined and held accountable for their actions. It's a tough world out there, and both parents are responsible for directing their children in the right way.
I agree with you totally about the book "Raising your spirited child". I, myself, have read this book. Great advice!!
Just like you, I have an opinion. It just seems to differ from yours. That's what the forum is for, right? Try not to get so incensed...just accept that everyone is different. The original poster has gotten great advice from all sides. We just need to be careful that we don't insult one another when we respond.
Hope you have a fabulous day, and I look forward to reading more from you in future posts...
MH
Apologies. It was late last night and I was tired. I'm less able to hold my snark when I'm tired.
I am also a stepchild. IMHO, it's a far cry from being a stepmother. Two related, though completely different, situations to be in. Being a stepmother has been the most challenging role for me. It has taken me many years to finally be comfortable with it.
Also, I thought about this afterwards - given the many different temperments of children, some are way more sensitive to certain ways of discipline than others. I don't think spanking is the only way to discipline every child. I do believe it has its place, but IMO, not every child should be spanked.
I think to some kids who are most sensitive, spanking can just push them over the edge. Too much stimulous. It can escalate the undesirable behaviour which the parent is trying to curb.
Other kids can take a swat, go sit on the couch and change the subject.
I'm still kind of tired, so I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. In the book I suggested, there are several alternative methods to try, to see which is most effective for the parent and child.
Maybe the OP's boyfriend could find a different way to deal with his son's behavior. Why keep doing it if it isn't working?
I am also a stepchild. IMHO, it's a far cry from being a stepmother. Two related, though completely different, situations to be in. Being a stepmother has been the most challenging role for me. It has taken me many years to finally be comfortable with it.
Also, I thought about this afterwards - given the many different temperments of children, some are way more sensitive to certain ways of discipline than others. I don't think spanking is the only way to discipline every child. I do believe it has its place, but IMO, not every child should be spanked.
I think to some kids who are most sensitive, spanking can just push them over the edge. Too much stimulous. It can escalate the undesirable behaviour which the parent is trying to curb.
Other kids can take a swat, go sit on the couch and change the subject.
I'm still kind of tired, so I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. In the book I suggested, there are several alternative methods to try, to see which is most effective for the parent and child.
Maybe the OP's boyfriend could find a different way to deal with his son's behavior. Why keep doing it if it isn't working?
Yes, I'm still reading this and still interested in the conversation.
MaryHeather, are you a stepparent? Have you ever been in this situation? I believe if you were your point of view would be a bit different. Being a stepmother is THE TOUGHEST thing. A stepmother has almost NO SAY in ANYTHING with regards to how the child is raised. Once the stepmom starts butting in, that's when things get really crappy. I've BTDT too many times
to count.
Also, it does not matter in the least if you are an intelligent, educated woman. A good mother is a good mother. Education has nothing to do with it.
Where the heck did I say the child's visits should be an undisciplined free-for-all, with 'no rules, no discipline, no consequences'? AND, FWIW, my stepson is almost 15 and acting like a normal teenager and he STILL wants to come live with his dad, because we treat him with caring and love and respect. He is disciplined when he needs to be. He is shown love and affection freely. He can talk and be listened to. He can ask for things and be told yes or no and why or why not. He is not belittled. He is not made to feel like his opinion doesn't matter just because he is a child. And his feelings are respected here. If he's upset about a decision we have made, our response is not "You asked for it. You've been acting like a little **** all day." It is more, "I'm sorry you're upset. You were told this would happen if you did "X". Maybe tomorrow will be a better day." In serious cases, yes, his dad has spanked him a few times. They were given rarely and with a heavy heart. He's had privledges taken away that he's had to earn back. This isn't Chuck E Cheese over here.
Czylady has stated that the boy visits with them every other weekend. Why can't the 4 days a month that he spends with his father be pleasant? She has said so much in her original post that she dislikes this boy. Or, to quote, she "doesn't enjoy" the child. He's a little 7 year old boy!
Why the frig is she putting on this grand show for his 8th birthday? A birthday party that will be unforgettable. What about when he turns 9? and 10?
Czylady, are you going to have to outdo yourself every year? Are you going to be pissed when he's 13 and expects you to rent out the reception hall to hail in his teenage years? I'm sure you'll complain that he's a spoiled brat. Oh wait, I'm guessing you won't be around that long.
Put your running shoes on and RUN away from this relationship. You obviously don't want to be a mother, yet you want to Mother this child better than his own mother does, yet you 'don't enjoy' him. Very confusing.
The kid deserves better. Let him go.
Or
BUTT the frig OUT.
or
If you're really interested in working with this child, I would suggest reading the book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It may give you some better insights on his personality and you may understand where he's coming from better and how you can work together to make the relationship work.
You asked for advice. That's mine. Best of luck to you.
MaryHeather, are you a stepparent? Have you ever been in this situation? I believe if you were your point of view would be a bit different. Being a stepmother is THE TOUGHEST thing. A stepmother has almost NO SAY in ANYTHING with regards to how the child is raised. Once the stepmom starts butting in, that's when things get really crappy. I've BTDT too many times
to count.
Also, it does not matter in the least if you are an intelligent, educated woman. A good mother is a good mother. Education has nothing to do with it.
Where the heck did I say the child's visits should be an undisciplined free-for-all, with 'no rules, no discipline, no consequences'? AND, FWIW, my stepson is almost 15 and acting like a normal teenager and he STILL wants to come live with his dad, because we treat him with caring and love and respect. He is disciplined when he needs to be. He is shown love and affection freely. He can talk and be listened to. He can ask for things and be told yes or no and why or why not. He is not belittled. He is not made to feel like his opinion doesn't matter just because he is a child. And his feelings are respected here. If he's upset about a decision we have made, our response is not "You asked for it. You've been acting like a little **** all day." It is more, "I'm sorry you're upset. You were told this would happen if you did "X". Maybe tomorrow will be a better day." In serious cases, yes, his dad has spanked him a few times. They were given rarely and with a heavy heart. He's had privledges taken away that he's had to earn back. This isn't Chuck E Cheese over here.
Czylady has stated that the boy visits with them every other weekend. Why can't the 4 days a month that he spends with his father be pleasant? She has said so much in her original post that she dislikes this boy. Or, to quote, she "doesn't enjoy" the child. He's a little 7 year old boy!
Why the frig is she putting on this grand show for his 8th birthday? A birthday party that will be unforgettable. What about when he turns 9? and 10?
Czylady, are you going to have to outdo yourself every year? Are you going to be pissed when he's 13 and expects you to rent out the reception hall to hail in his teenage years? I'm sure you'll complain that he's a spoiled brat. Oh wait, I'm guessing you won't be around that long.
Put your running shoes on and RUN away from this relationship. You obviously don't want to be a mother, yet you want to Mother this child better than his own mother does, yet you 'don't enjoy' him. Very confusing.
The kid deserves better. Let him go.
Or
BUTT the frig OUT.
or
If you're really interested in working with this child, I would suggest reading the book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It may give you some better insights on his personality and you may understand where he's coming from better and how you can work together to make the relationship work.
You asked for advice. That's mine. Best of luck to you.
I have to say that my heart hurts for you, b/c I genuinely feel that you want what is best for this child. It's tough to know the right things, and not have the "genetic authority" to follow through with them, especially when you see others in his life not following through. Maybe there are other ways for you to reach this child? Also, if the two of you were married, the circumstance may change...it would be your household as well, and you wouldn't be "the girlfriend". There is some finality in "wife"...maybe the little boy is afraid to get close to you for fear of you and his dad splitting up???? Don't know, just a thought. Good luck, though, and I do applaud you for caring. That is more than some biological parents ever do.
Keep in touch...
MH
Keep in touch...
MH
There are the hand full that I can count that makes complete sense, you are one of them. However, I know that there are the several that totally disagrees with me disciplining him. When I got involved with the dad, a year now. I was given permission to "spank" him from both of his parents. I also was from a divorced family but I was also taught to respect my "steps" even though I hated them. This little boy is in a fragile state but does not respect his mother in the least, in fact walks all over her. Its not my job to teach him to respect his mother nor do I want the responsiblity. But when I am with his dad discipline is enforced accordingly. I do have to say that you did give me some insight on some things his dad should know.
I am going to have the dad read this forum. He is visiting me next weekend. I hope you come back and read what he has to say.
I am going to have the dad read this forum. He is visiting me next weekend. I hope you come back and read what he has to say.
I know its been a while since the last post, and no one will prob. even read this, but I must say to Carmella and all the others...
I am an educated, intelligent, woman who believes in spanking her children.
However, I do agree that the g/f shouldn't be spanking the child. That is a parent's responsibility, but there are other ways for her to maintain consistancy with discipline.
Additionally, I completely disagree that the time spent with the dad needs to be "pleasurable" time. Why, because the dad only sees him on the weekends, should the child have free reign of his attitude and actions, just because he's with dad? They should make the expected behavior known, and enforce it when it is not. It isn't fair to the child, because that isn't a true parent/child relationship to avoid conflict, and it isn't fair to the dad, because I guarantee that with this attitude, when the child is 16 and acting like a normal teenager, he will expect his dad to go along with his antics, and not discipline him then either!! You begin early enforcing the behaviors that you wish them to have for a lifetime! Who wants to teach their child that there is ANYWHERE on earth that you can go and it will just be...pleasurable...no rules, no discipline, no consequences. Hello---welcome to the real world.
What dad should be teaching him is that he loves him and wants the best for him...not, "come to my house so you don't have to follow any rules."
I am the product of a divorced home, and I respected both of my parents.
However, I do think I would've hated my "steps" had they ever tried to spank me. Leave that part to the mom and dad.
I am an educated, intelligent, woman who believes in spanking her children.
However, I do agree that the g/f shouldn't be spanking the child. That is a parent's responsibility, but there are other ways for her to maintain consistancy with discipline.
Additionally, I completely disagree that the time spent with the dad needs to be "pleasurable" time. Why, because the dad only sees him on the weekends, should the child have free reign of his attitude and actions, just because he's with dad? They should make the expected behavior known, and enforce it when it is not. It isn't fair to the child, because that isn't a true parent/child relationship to avoid conflict, and it isn't fair to the dad, because I guarantee that with this attitude, when the child is 16 and acting like a normal teenager, he will expect his dad to go along with his antics, and not discipline him then either!! You begin early enforcing the behaviors that you wish them to have for a lifetime! Who wants to teach their child that there is ANYWHERE on earth that you can go and it will just be...pleasurable...no rules, no discipline, no consequences. Hello---welcome to the real world.
What dad should be teaching him is that he loves him and wants the best for him...not, "come to my house so you don't have to follow any rules."
I am the product of a divorced home, and I respected both of my parents.
However, I do think I would've hated my "steps" had they ever tried to spank me. Leave that part to the mom and dad.
I was spanked as a child, and so were my siblings. We grew up in a loving home, my parents are Christians, my dad was a police officer, but they never thought twice about swatting us on the butt if we did something bad! And I will discipline my kids the same way. I grew up and went to college and got married and so did my siblings. And I'm only 25, so it wasn't THAT long ago, either. So that's my opinion on THAT subject. As far as spanking someone ELSES child, yeah...you might want to back off for just awhile. It's obvious that you're trying with him. But I also think if you're truly to be happy, then you may want to end this relationship, since you don't want children. I know it's easier said than done, but it's something to consider. Good luck.
UPDATE:
I appreciate everyone's opinion in this matter. Since I posted the question lots has happened. What frustrates me the most (yes this is one side of story) is the mother. When the father and I started dating a yr. ago. The mother and I visited several times, along with her BF (socially) THEN when I got upset at my BF for doing HER favors things seemed to go down hill from there. YES, its hard for children. I really do care for this kid & love him. I however, don't love him like a parent would love him. But I am convinced that her son has become an inconvience to her. He is back in therapy thanks to us & only us. His mother did not want him to go. It's a constant struggle with her. It's important to me that he has friends & does well in school but other neighbor kids don't like to be around him. I feel bad I most honestly do but I am not going to roll over cuz his mother has been putting things in his head. There are signs that she does that, you can tell. He will be turning 8 in a couple of months, I have decided to give him a birthday party that will be unforgetable. In the meantime his father & stand our ground of disiplining accordingly & setting boundries. There is no doubt that he is going to be just fine. In the summer we do more activities. I don't want to take his mother's place, I most certainly don't. Its not going to take him long to figure all of it out. We have support from the grandparents cuz they know as well. As far as behavior problems, I really do think it lies within the mother, after all she is sole provider at this time. This is not a dead beat father, he pays his child support.
I appreciate everyone's opinion in this matter. Since I posted the question lots has happened. What frustrates me the most (yes this is one side of story) is the mother. When the father and I started dating a yr. ago. The mother and I visited several times, along with her BF (socially) THEN when I got upset at my BF for doing HER favors things seemed to go down hill from there. YES, its hard for children. I really do care for this kid & love him. I however, don't love him like a parent would love him. But I am convinced that her son has become an inconvience to her. He is back in therapy thanks to us & only us. His mother did not want him to go. It's a constant struggle with her. It's important to me that he has friends & does well in school but other neighbor kids don't like to be around him. I feel bad I most honestly do but I am not going to roll over cuz his mother has been putting things in his head. There are signs that she does that, you can tell. He will be turning 8 in a couple of months, I have decided to give him a birthday party that will be unforgetable. In the meantime his father & stand our ground of disiplining accordingly & setting boundries. There is no doubt that he is going to be just fine. In the summer we do more activities. I don't want to take his mother's place, I most certainly don't. Its not going to take him long to figure all of it out. We have support from the grandparents cuz they know as well. As far as behavior problems, I really do think it lies within the mother, after all she is sole provider at this time. This is not a dead beat father, he pays his child support.
This boy's needs need to fall ahead of everyone else, and ultimately his natural parents need to take responsibility of this situation and get counseling for all involved, as it sounds very much needed. His natural mother sounds like she is falling short of being a responsible parent, but I know we have only heard one side of the story. You only get one shot at raising your children, and you want to give them the best opportunity to grow into an understanding, well adjusted young adult. Sounds like they're blowing it. This is a complicated situation and needs professional intervention.
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