Boyfriend's child is breaking me?

[hurt_confused]

I met a guy  over a year ago and he has a son from a previous relationship and i also have 2 boys. Thing is when i met him he was staying alone and his son was living with his mother then she called my boyfriend up one day and said she is tired of their son being so naughty and that he must look after him for a couple months. The child is 4.5 yrs old. He is extremely difficult to handle and is very aggressive and irritable, has no manners and you basically have to force him to do everything. When it was just myself my boyfriend and my 2 boys we never had any arguments or anything, it was really pleasant and a lot of fun being together. But now since he has been living with us it has basically been a nightmare for me and my kids, he will hurt my youngest intentionally and lie about things to get everyone in trouble except himself. I have punished my kids so much over the past couple months all because of his stories etc. A couple week ago my boyfriends and his parents started to see a lawyer about taking all custody away from his son's mother so that he could stay by us permanently... i don't agree with this at all - a child should be by teir mother to ensure the right love, care and nurture is given.

I also then only found out that my boyfriend's ex is a exotic dancer and not a bar lady as he told me in the beginning.

I would of never entered into the relationship from the beginning if i knew the full true story, i feel betrayed and lost but i also feel like i cant judge him on his past mistakes but also feel that if i met him and his son was staying with him then already then it's my fault for continuing with the relationship but it wasn't like that... i just had to accept what was about to happen.

My boyfriend treats me really well and loves and respects me with no restrictions, his child is just making it impossible for me to want to stay in this relationship.

I need some advise please, why if she was good enough in his and his parents eye's to bear his child and look after him then, then why is she not good enough to do it now?? What has changed?

My eyes hurt from crying already and i really don't know how to carry on from this, every-time i try and speak to my boyfriend about this we end up arguing and them bring my 3 year old son into the picture stating that he feels like he is competing with a 3 year old for my attention.

Just feels like he his trying to throw me under the bus the whole time by avoiding the situation instead of sending the child back to his mom where a child should be.

[RockRose]

Whew.  Thank God I got all the way to the end of that post without you saying you're pregnant.

I think you should pick up and move out.  I can't believe you'd try to send your boyfriend's child back to a stripper to raise.

This child has a right to his father's love,  and his father's home more than your children have that right.  

[Chima7]

Parents are supposed to put their kids first, above any boyfriend or girlfriend. So here's a guy, your bf, who is willing to step up and be a dad to his kid, a quality which most women who are already moms would find to be a good thing. But instead you're trying to make your feelings more important than his son's. How would you feel if the situation was reversed and your bf told you to send away your son cause he didn't like him? It's no different. You knew each of you had kids going into the relationship. For people with kids under 18 there's always the chance that situations like these can happen so you knew what you were getting yourself into. If you can't handle it then move on. But don't ever tell a parent that they must send their kid away to live with the other parent because that's completely selfish and unacceptable for a parent to do that. If the kid has behavioral problems then that can always be figured out. But if he keeps getting bounced around like this, it's going to be a lot harder to correct the problems.

[Sandman2]

    Along with Specialmoms good points is the fact that this child has had several years of parental guidance that has lead to this point.   This is not something that can change overnight.  It will take time and effort to do so.  But assuming he does not have something like ADHD, his behavior can be changed.  But it will take consistent effort from both you and your boyfriend to do so, and if you and him cannot get together and agree how to do so (we can recommend books to help), then nothing will change and it will only get worse.  Actually, at his age, Kindergarten is not far away and that will be really interesting if he does not change.  Good Luck.

[specialmom]

By the way, there are some fantastic step mothers out there. They embrace a child and give them the love and care they need.  This is not something you feel like you can or want to do so let this boy have a home where he gets lots of love rather than a feeling that he's not wanted. And his father is wanting to provide that.  Let this family go so they can find happiness elsewhere.  And you then can find a better situation for yourself as well.    good luck

[specialmom]

Well, this man has a child.  That child is as important to him as your children are to you.  That child deserves his father's FULL attention especially if he is struggling (as many kids do when mom and dad aren't together).

I find it appalling to suggest that the child needs to go back to the mother's to make your life easier.  

find a new man.  That's my best advice to you.  because it is HIS (REPEAT HIS) responsibility to care for his child.  You don't get to pretend the child doesn't exist even if you don't like him, find him hard to deal with, etc.  That child deserves to be with his dad and a new girlfriend should not be stepping in saying that he doesn't.  I find that very disappointing that you'd even suggest it.  

I know it is hard to admit a situation isn't what we want it to be.  But I tell you, your discussions with him about sending his son back would be enough to make me run for the hills.  And any good parent would.  You and your sons should ALWAYS be AFTER his child.  good luck