I am the step-parent of two children, ages 3-1/2 and 5. My husband, has custodial-parent status and has shared custody with the children's mother. The mother moved out of state a few months ago, and has recently decided to "play a part" in the children's lives again (superficially only). She sees them once a month and calls them every-other day.
Lately, the mother has been telling the children things that have my husband and I concerned. She tells them how much she misses them, and how hard it is on her to be without them. How if they were up with her they'd be playing and having fun and doing all sorts of things. How she bought them a toy and next time they come up to see her (MONTHS form now) she'll give it to them.
She goes out of her way to "make them miss her" and it seems like she's trying to put a guilt trip on them so they'll always be thinking of her. She is interested only in making them "want for her" and has no daily responsibility to caring for the children. They come home with dirty clothes (same ones we sent them in), no baths all weekend, upset bellies from not eating correctly. But it seems she has plenty of time to guilt and manipulate them.
She has recently been telling the children that "when they're 12, they can decide who they want to live with for ever and ever". We've heard this directly from her, from her mother (the children's grandmother) and directly from the 5 year old. She continues to say it quite often on the phone and several times when she sees them.
My step-son told me last night, again, what his mom said. How do I answer it? I don't want to bash her, or create a struggle in his mind between the two families over the issue, but I do need to answer his question.
What kind of damage is she doing to them psychologically, by making them bear this burden so young?
Legally, we need to get with our lawyer to see if there's anyway we can stop her from saying things like that to her, but psychologically, we're not sure how to handle the issues with the kids.