"Brainwashing" Child?

[danibee]

I am the step-parent of two children, ages 3-1/2 and 5.  My husband, has custodial-parent status and has shared custody with the children's mother.  The mother moved out of state a few months ago, and has recently decided to "play a part" in the children's lives again (superficially only).  She sees them once a month and calls them every-other day.  

Lately, the mother has been telling the children things that have my husband and I concerned.  She tells them how much she misses them, and how hard it is on her to be without them.  How if they were up with her they'd be playing and having fun and doing all sorts of things.    

She goes out of her way to "make them miss her" and it seems like she's trying to put a guilt trip on them so they'll always be thinking of her.  She is interested only in making them "want for her" and has no daily responsibility to caring for the children.  

She has recently been telling the children that "when they're 12, they can decide who they want to live with for ever and ever".   We've heard this directly from her, from her mother (the children's grandmother) and directly from the 5 year old.  She continues to say it quite often on the phone and several times when she sees them.

My step-son told me last night, again, what his mom said.  How do I answer it?  I don't want to bash her, or create a struggle in his mind between the two families over the issue, but I do need to answer his question.

What kind of damage is she doing to them psychologically, by making them bear this burden so young?

Legally, we need to get with our lawyer to see if there's anyway we can stop her from saying things like that to her, but psychologically, we're not sure how to handle the issues with the kids.

[danibee]

Thank you very much for your reply.

[marcdud49]

A related discussion, What is Normal Communication? was started.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Ultimately the solution will be for their mother to cease speaking with them either about missing them or about what the future will hold. The children are too young to be shouldering the type of burden that is imposed by such remarks. She is also speaking too often with the children, particularly in light of the content of some of her remarks. At this point, the contact appears more designed to meet her needs than the needs of the children. Once or twice weekly phone contact is sufficient. In response to questions from the children, particularly from the older child, it's best to draw him out, let him talk. It isn't so much what you say, as it is about affording him the opportunity to talk. So you can ask him what he thought when his mother said....., What did he think of it?, etc. If any particualr question comes about whether he'll be staying with you, asure him that he is remaining in his home, that's the best thing for now. Be careful not to inject any criticism of their mother, even though you have understandable concerns about the nature of her communication. Hopefully the court will order that she cease such conversation and limit herslef to talk about concrete happenings in their lives, along with expressions (if she desires) of her love of them (without overdoing it).