Child/Toddler sleeping with adults

[stacey]

Is there anything wrong with a toddler (age 18 months - 5 years) occasionally (Less than once every 3-6 months) sleeping in bed with adults, being parents or grandparents? More specifically, an adult male alone with a female cild weather it is the father or grandfather? This is not a question of the character of the adults, just if it is appropriate or not.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Stacey,

There really is not sufficient information in your question to provide you with a reasonable answer.

[stacey]

In my family, it was common that we (the children) would sleep in grandma and grandpa's bed when we spent the night. I am now the parent of a 2.5 yrs old and my father and stepmother have carried on the same practice with my daughter. On one occasion, my daughter was alone with her grandfather, my dad. This did not bother me or concern me in the slightest. We don't make a habit of allowing my daughter to sleep in any bed but her own. She has only slept at my parent's house two times, so I am not worried about the problems many parents have with a child who constantly wants to sleep with them.
Recently, my inlaws have voiced their strong oppinion that it is very unhealthy for my daughter to be in bed with adults. Especially with a male whether it was her own father or her grandfather. This shocked me because it has never been an issue for me, and my husband and I did not have a problem with this occasionally happening. As long as it did not become a habit.
My in-law's feelings are that it is very inappropriate for a little girl to be in bed with a grown man no matter who he is. I am wanting to know if this is a valid concern? My feeling is that they are way out of line, but they requested that we seek a professional oppinion on the subject.

I hope this helps to clarify the question I previously posted.
Thank you for your time and knowledge.
Stacey

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Stacey,

Families differ in relation to their approval of a child sleeping with parent, grandparent, etc. It's not as if it is absolutely an incorrect thing to do under any and all circumstances.

Having said that, you and your husband have established a sensible sleeping plan for your daughter. She sleeps alone, and this is generally regarded as the most appropriate thing to do.

Since she is accustomed to sleeping alone, there's really no reason to change this when she visits her grandparents. It won't necessarily pose a problem for her, but it won't assist her in any way, either. My advice would be to leave well enough alone, have her sleep by herself, and you won't be incurring any 'risk' whatsoever.

[Ruth]

Where children sleep is really a cultural thing. There is no right or wrong. My feeling is that when the child becomes too old for it, she will feel uncomfortable.  My own children slept with me every night when they were babies. Now, at age 3.5 and 5, they start out in their own beds and usually join me at some point during the night. They prefer to sleep with me, but I can't sleep with both of them in bed with me because it's too crowded.   If they want to sleep with their father when they are at his house, I have no problem with that. However,  if your father-in-law is uncomfortable sleeping with your daughter, then he shouldn't do it.

[JENNY]

Here we go, First off survival depended on families sleeing together, and for a long time parents sleped with their kids simply because there was no room, most houses in the early part of this country were one room cabins. were families bathed and changed in the presents of other family members. where do you think the two seated out houses came from?

Now days if someone is sleeping with someone other than who they choose as a consenting sex partner, they are accused of having sex with them, no if and's or buts. in the wild anamels sleep together untill the babies leav the nest.

I sleped with my parents quite often untill I was about 11 years old. The feeling of peace, safty, and the love I felt from my parents cuddling with me was like heaven. there was no sex, just love. I was never afraid of monsters, and you would never know by looking at my spelling but my grades in school were above avrage. there is nothing like going to sleep with a back rub, or someone rubbing the side of your head. we sang our selfs to sleep more times than I can count.
I feel sorry for people who never had that.

Of course there are the people who will say what about incest? to wich I say incest is not caused by children sharing the same bed as the parents. incest is caused by a family member who was messed up before the child was born.
Then the next thing is the child will get to used to sleeping with their parents, and will never sleep alone. to wich I say, eventually the child WILL sleep alone just as sure the child will leave home and get married, so what if your kids want to sleep with you? when will you ever be able to have that feeling of peace and love?
Make up your own minds folks, life is to short to push your kids away, sleeping together has never been a sin, sin is born in the mind.  
Thanks,-Jenny

[Larry]

My fiancee' has two kids from a prior marriage and her 4 year old sons tends two want to get into bed about once a week. I myself do not live there but I do stay over quite often and at first I must say it bothered me. I never have had any children of my own, I was bothered by it and maybe even a little jealous, but now I realize that the kids do get alot of peace and joy from it so it does not bother me much. Just so it is not an every night occurence. I grew up in a strict household, and my dad was totally against that it was a be seen not hear situation. So indeed give them a chance to lay with there parents why they can but just don't make it a habit.

[windy]

Thank you Jenny!
Sleeping with your children is the most natural thing in the world for some of us. I feel sorry for anyone who has missed the oppertunity to go to sleep holding their child in their arms. And wake up to their beautiful little face in the first morning light. Shame on the people who have to imply that something bad must be going on. All over the world throughout history people have slept with their kids. The bonding that it can bring is a special thing indeed.

[Jim]

Sleeping to comfort children is one, wonderful thing, but my wife habitually sleeps with our 8 year old son and I am searching for information on how this may be a serious problem for his own psychological development.  There seems to be plenty on the web about the obvious problem there must be between us (and that's another story), but my focus now is on the damage this could be doing to him.  Any ideas?