Child is asking about if father is dead because he is non-exsistent in his life

[wackywabbit]

Hello.  I have a almost 5 year old (Aug. 23) and he is wondering why his father doesn't call him anymore.  He has even asked if he died, to which I told him he didn't..but really didn't know what to tell him without consulting someone cause I am not sure what to tell him!  His father and I were together for the first two years of our lives, but our child was living with my mom and dad.  I have been living with my mom, dad and son for the past 3 years.  He use to call and check in on him occassionally and now, I have found out that his dad wants to move on with his life and he chooses not to be a part of his life.  How do I answer my little guy when he asks to call his dad??  I so don't want him to be hurt, especially at the ripe age of almost 5 or to have him think that he doesn't want to be part of his life cause little man is one of the coolest people I know, loving, well adjusted, smart and very considerate of others for his age.  What do I do.  

His grandparents on the dad's side?? How do I handle communications with them also?  If I let him have communications with them, he knows they are his father's parents, won't that cause more questions about his dad not wanting to be involved in his life?  What to do....please help.

Thank you very much.

[wackywabbit]

Thanks for your reply.  Gives me a good grasp on how to handle this and YES it is a shame that this tool doesn't want to be involved in this lovely child's life.  He asks to call his dad all the time..We want to comfort our children in this harsh world, especially when they are so young.  This will break my heart for him.  :(

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Understandably you are trying to insulate your son from hurt. That is a normal, but unrealistic,  goal. It is going to hurt that his father has decided not to be involved in your son's life. It's imporatnt that you be clear and straightforward: "No, your father did not die. We don't know why he has decided not to be in touch." You do not have to try to explain it beyond that. Over time your son will figure out his own relationship with his father. There is no way to sugar coat what is going on,  and it is a shame that his father has made the choice that he has. It is fine for your son to have a relationship with the paternal grandparents, as long as they are good and decent people.