Child problems

[sarah2613]

My boyfriend and i moved in together 5 months ago and are very happy together. He has 3 children and i have 2. Ages 2 girls and 3 boys ages 7, 6, 5, 3, and 2. We want to get a house and are just waiting for me to graduate school so we can get our plans in action and also we are saving up money for that. We moved in with the his parents and brother and sister which its no problem until the kids come into the picture. At first the kids were out of control a bit but we al got along they just needed boundries. But 2 months ago my boyfiends ex-wife came back from mexico where she was living with her boyfriend (which she was 8 months pregnant when she came back) and as soon as she knew that he had someone and we were living together she tried to fight for the kids in court and so we retaliated with the same.This lady has not one bone in her body that considers her a mother. leavng the kids for a year and a half and just coming to Phx to see her kids 3 days and leaving back to mexico for another couple of months.The courts granted my boyfriend This schedule. Monay, Tuesday, Wed, Thursday he will take them to school and she will pick them up and stay with them till friday afternoon and he will pick them up on friday and keep them for the weekend. Then its her turn, Ask me its confusing the kids even more. She called me up telling me why i was so concerned over her kids and not mine and threatning me about physical harm as her knowing I couldnt touch her while pregnant. But after the whole ordeal his kids started acting mean towards mine and the five year old started acting very weird towards me. We went to pick him the kids from her house and as soon as he jumped into my truck <-----i say that because I pay for it.. He looked at me very ugly and told me he didnt like me. So my boyfriend asked him why he didnt like me and he said because his mother told him not to like me. Rite there I felt like teling him to get out of my truck and having his mother take him to my boyfriends house. But I held t in and we continued on our way. After a long while and alot of staying quiet. I cant anymore. The 5 year old is out of control and everything he does bugs me. One time I was eating on the kitchen table and I had a glass of milk next to me and he just comes up and dips his food into my cup, Or he will eat or pick or poke the food on my plate. one of the times he was getting dropped off by his mother and I was outside and he yelled at me that he didnt want me there and to leave and his mother just laughed. that just made me mad. My boyfriend doesnt know how to disipline them and everything about the 5 year old bugs me. I feel bad because he is just a kid but I sometimes feel there is something wrong with him and me and my boyfriend have had issues with this. I have sometimes thought of leaving because i know this is going to tear us apart. We will be watching a movie and he will be in there wit us just asking question after question or just start yelling and I will tell him to be quiet but he doesnt even look at me or listen and my boyfriend seems to have no problem with this kids questions or anything.  He gets my stuff without asking and they jump on the couches and If their grandfather is there you cant even tell them anything. i dont know what to do.  I dont know how to react when the kids are there. I cant stand to see him anymore everything about his child bugs me. I bought an air mattress for my daughter to sleep with because we are waiting for an apartment to open and it didnt fit in the spot i needed it to fit so i put it sideways for now until night time and his 2 sons the 5 and 3 year old just run in there and start punching and kicking and jumping on the mattress and I dont know why it bothered me so much. And I tried to ignore it and put it in my head that its a stupid mattress but I try my best to take care of my stuff since i never had the experience of having brothers and sister until i turned 12.   But please help me with some suggestions. I love my boyfriend alot. We get along like we belong together but his kids have issues and I am tired of putting his kids first and then mine.  Everytime we go to the store its his kids wanting and crying for toys and my kids are quiet and patient. And im tired of my kids not getting toys but its because I use them as rewards and not to shut them up.  A big question that I also have in my head is when we get our place I am putting all my furniture in and we will have issues if those kids start being wild and I dont know why I cant stand them anymore.   Im a strict parent that tries to teach my kids good morals and to achieve the best they can and still have positive fun but ive tried with his kids but his 5 yr old and 3 yr old make me feel like I dont exsist there.


Thank you for your time.  As you can see I didnt know where to start at.

[benjimom]

This is a hard situation, but you knw I hate to say it but maybe it would be better fo ryou to move back out on your own again. Maybe you guys could still date, but he needs to get his house in order and the kids need to get things in order too.  Kids are highly vulnerable and it doesn't take much to get things stirred up again.

I'm a single mom myself, really though, I hesitate at getting too involved with someone again.  I just hear about these types of problems a lot. I might do it when my son is older and he's calmed down, but right now my very first priority is my son and not my romantic life.  

to me, it sounds like thingsa re just too difficult to manage at this point.  I think the boy may be acting out due to the mom and her behaviour.  It's so hard on kids and it's hard on the parents too.

People at work ask me if I'm dating again, but honestly I don't have the time or energy at this point to put into a relationship and I have a really hard enough time dealing with my own child, I don't want to take on someone else's issues. I've been there and done that, I was married to an alcoholic and talk about a destabilizing thing to go through. YOu never know what is going to happen next with them.

But I want to get involved with someone who has "it together" and I don't want to have to be solving someone else's issues.  I don't want to be codependent.  

I hoep this is not too harsh.  But maybe you could work it out fi you went to some counseling and took it slow and you lived separate.  It might be easier on the kids too.

[specialmom]

Ya know, I really do think it is best that you end this relationship.  I think these issues are just the tip of the ice burg of what is to come.  I think that ----------- please don't get mad-----------  but have some skewed thinking about his kids yourself.  They are 5 and 3!  They aren't "in it to get you" as that is a little self centered of you.  They are little kids just trying to make it through when some of the grown ups in their life aren't acting very grown up. That he is being switched due to being behind------------  if you plan on being a mother to this boy, you will have to increase your patience and work tirelessly to help him overcome any issues he has.  Urinating is not why a teacher would remove a child as it has to be done for a legal reason and I guess just the lack of compassion I hear on your part makes me convinced that this will end badly with damage done to everyone.

Every kid loves a play mate and all but that is not reason to submit your life to what is clearly emotional chaos for you.  And don't put yourself in the position of not being happy with your own feelings and actions.  I'm sure you feel guilty for not liking/being bugged by the boy.  I'm sure you are conflicted.  Give yourself the chance to be the best woman you can be and don't set yourself up to fail at that.  I'm being blunt and hope you don't mind.  It is with the best of intentions.  You can get out now and no real harm is done---------  but if you wait, I assure you damage will begin. And remember, the ex may leave now for Mexico (which is sad for the kids and another blow to their young emotional state) but . . . she WILL be back.  Okay dear, I really do with you a lot of luck. This is a hard situation!

[sarah2613]

Thank you for your answer. I have tried talking to him about taking his kids to therepy at first he didnt like the idea because he said there was nothing wrong with his kids. And his kids started acting this way when his ex came back. But we are just waiting for her to leave because now her child was born and has to return back to her deadbeat boyfriend in mexico who was deported for illegal activity.  But at first those kids loved the attention I gave them because I told them they were equal and they had a positive energy. But then the 5 year old started acting out and being rude. My boyfriend went to a parent teacher confrence and the teacher was trying to move him from classes because he needed to be in an ESL class because he was too behind and he refused. But I think it was for another reason. The 5 year old urinates himself in school one every two weeks.   My boyfriends divorce was very painful for his kids and I want to try to be there for them but the 5 and 3 year old dont give me the time of day, apart that im not in my territory. im hoping that when we move out it will get better because i wont have to watch my back with my boyfriends father who is there for thier every comand.       i have tried to see my way out but I dont know whats holding me back.  My kids are happy there with his. my 7 year old gets along so well with his 6 year old daughter. inseperable. And my son loves to play wih his 5 and 3 year old but I think they just have it towards me. And he does it to bug me.      Again Thank you for your answer specialmom!

[specialmom]

Dear, what the heck are you doing?  This is nuts. Sorry---------- I'll be more professional. This really does not make sense.  Why on heaven's name are you tying your life to this man that has a complicated life with his kids and his ex and you don't like his kids or what he does for and with his kids?  I started to count how many times you said his son "bugs you" and gave up.  

Being with a man isn't worth this. It really isn't good for his kids or yours.  Or you.  

Blending a family for real takes a tremendous amount of work.  You seem overwhelmed, tired, frustrated and fed up.  The writing is on the wall that this is going to glow up at some point.  

Kids in his kids position are quite vulnerable.  They shouldn't be living with a lady they "bug".  They are their father's main priority and deserve a household in which they are loved and wanted. Don't you think?  Wouldn't you want that for your kids?  And heck yeah, they are acting out a bit because they have a bone head mom (his ex) and lots going on in their life for young little emotions.  Your kids too might start acting out due to all of this.  I just think it is a bad situation all the way around.

I do with you luck.  I know this isn't what you wanted to hear------------  but it is my best advice from my heart for you.  Leave now and start a more peaceful existance elsewhere.