Child with no regard for safety issues

My 12 year old son has no regard for personal and others safety.  He continually makes bad choices.  So far, we are lucky and no one has been hurt.  But I worried for the future.   We do not know what to do.  We are a very safety oriented family and always taught safety comes first.  Our older son, 14 years old, never has had an issue making a bad choice.  We also have a 6 year old daughter.  Most of his bad choices revolve around putting her in dangerous situations when we are not looking.   Examples,  jumping on a very high bed with her on his shoulders, riding an electric scooter with her on it, taking her training wheels off her bike and trying to teach her himself without a helmut, pushing her excessively high on swings, putting her really high on a shelf in the closet,  doing dangerous "tricks" with her, the list goes on.....  These kids are supervised but he still takes any opportunity when a head is turned to try these things.  He just doesn't seem to realize that all this puts his sister in danger.  There is no comprehension at all on his part.   Now, we also have many other issues with him that include:  doesn't EVER accept no as an answer to anything (even with a reasonable reason for it), throws temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way, acts out of control alot,  anger management issues - gets mad VERY easily, wants to control all situations - and has to always have the last word - especially when being diciplined, talks back to parents, very moody, lies to get out of trouble and is overdramatic, constantly bothers siblings (24/7), gets "obcessed with an object or activity" - then has trouble "letting go".  - he will drive everyone in the house insane with this one.  We are at wits end.  My husband thinks it's just immaturity and he will grow out of it.  We have discussed sending him to a psychologist but I know he will fight us on this and then lie to the psychologist.  I also don't know who to go to and we are limited with our insurance.  We are against medication and I know his pediatrician is a medication pusher so I'm apprehensive about talking to her.  I feel like it's a catch 22 and we don't know what to do and desperately need help.  We have tried various dicipline methods with avail.  We have taken things away, offered rewards, spanked him, put him in his room, all do not work very well.  Please give me your advice!

[Sandman2]

   It is a catch 22 because you have or are refusing to seek medical help.  You have tried a lot of things that have not worked.  Its time to try something else!  That involves a professional.  If you don't trust your pediatrician, then find another one before he really hurts himself our your daughter.  
   What is going on at school?  Have they ever contacted you?  They deal with a lot of kids.  If what he is doing at school, is fairly normal to them, then it is something going on at home and that is a much more serious issue.
   I can say that kids with ADHD have no filters.  They do stuff without thinking and no amount of punishment will change that.  I would start doing some serious research on ADHD.
   Its not immaturity - makes me wonder if your husband did the same.  He will eventually quite hurting himself and other kids, but what a price to pay until then!
   Your best choice is a good child psyc.  If you have to spend his college fund on that, do so - you will really increase his chances of getting to that college.   But do start with your pediatrician.  See what her recommendations are - and she may know a good child psyc.  By the way - don't worry about what he would say.  The psyc will get his information from a variety of sources - parents and teachers being the main ones.
   The more information you can get, the better decision you can make.
Good luck!

[specialmom]

Hi my son is 5 and has sensory integration disorder.  It looks like adhd but isn't quite the same.  He has a constant struggle with making good/ safe choices as well.  Impulse control is also an area we work on.  We call it the off button.  His on button works fine but his off button needs a little help.  We go to an occupational therapist once a week and do many activities at home to help him with his sensory issues.  We've had tremendous success.  Could you possibly have an occupational therapist evaluate him?  Your school system also should be able to evaluate him if he is having issues there as well.  The above poster referenced this and I think gave good advice.  My son's counselor in preschool is the one that drew our attention to his delay (sensory integration/processing disorder and adhd/add are developmental delays involving the nervous system) and we are forever grateful.  He is a different kid with the diagnosis and the therapy.  (by the way, kids LOVE occupational therapy because it looks like play!!  They work on all kinds of things even including being more flexible with people around you (ie: not always getting your way)--- and your son would not fight you to do this.  and while he is older, if he has a neurological delay, therapy can help.)  
Kids like your son don't really outgrow reckless behavior, they just do the adult version of it.  I'm sure you can think of what activities these would be---  motorcylcles super fast and no helmet, etc.  
Medication does not help sensory integration disorder and I don't know how I feel about medicating children with add. My feelings are mixed.  I hope to never have to do it.  But if you talk to a child with true add/adhd----  they will tell you that they are so much happier after medication is introduced as well as they are functioning so much better. It would be hard to deny a child that opportunity.  Again, I hope to never have to make that choice.  But find another ped if you don't like the one you have or go to yours and get a second opinion if you don't like what they say.
Good luck, it is so hard unraveling the mystery of our kids!!