Childhood masterbation(masturbation) and peer abuse

When I was a child I used to masturbate frequently. I did not know what I was doing but used it as a stress relief. I was a very lonely and stressed child with low self esteem. I greatly disliked school and would masturbate at school from ages 7-9. The other children would notice me do it and comment on it.

I also had a few female friends that used to make me play "make out" with them. We never did anything too sexual but would pretend to make out like in movies. My sister and mother had caught us doing this and my sister told other people at school. I hated doing this but was lonely and would be pressured by my friends. I have just recently realized that this was a form of sexual abuse by my peers. I do not think that the playing "make out" and masturbating were related but I feel the same embarrassment and shame about both.

I am now a grown and still feel extremely ashamed when I think of these years of my life. I feel like the combination of these experiences has caused a life long history of self deprecating thoughts and low self esteem. I fear running into someone that I went to elementary school with that would know these things about me and avoid intimate relationships partly due to my shame at my childhood behavior. I have never told anyone these things and would like to put it behind me.

I guess I am looking to get these things off of my chest and am seeking reassurance that these experiences do not make me dirty and shameful.

[April2]

We all have done things that we may regret or feel embarrassed about. You need to remember that you were a child and children and teens do impulsive things at times that may embarrass them later. You should not dwell on the past. The only way to truly move forward into the future is to let go of the past and be a little more understanding and kinder to yourself. I seriously doubt anyone from your elementary days would remember the things you remember or would even care!
Be kind and forgiving to yourself just as you would be towards anyone else and just try to learn from your past, don't dwell on it. The more you think about it and dwell on it the bigger it will be in your mind. Don't make it such an important thing in your life. When the thoughts or feelings arise in you then just calmly look it them and say to yourself, "Yes, I may have done some silly things as a child but that's ok! It doesn't mean I'm a bad person because I'm not! I'm a good person with a good, kind heart who has compassion for others and many more good qualities." And start thinking about all your good qualities and start listing them. Do this every day, especially when bad thoughts crop up. Reject the bad thoughts and think on only good, positive things. Make this a practice. The more you do it the easier it will become and soon it will become a habit. Much better than beating yourself up! It's ok to feel good about yourself and happy. You are a good person. Stop trying to punish yourself for silly childish things. Just focus on the good positive things and keep looking forward.

God bless you. :)

[RockRose]

mb,  you carry a lot of shame.  It would probably be helpful for you to explore that,  really.  

I agree with what April said,  and if you think other women are going to greet you in your adult life boasting about embarrassing things,  I think you're wrong.  They're as embarrassed as you are by what happened.    They aren't seeking you out to remember their own embarrassing  behavior either.  And if by some tiny percent chance they do,  you can just give them a blank stare and say hmmm  I don't remember that.  

I think you have to close your eyes and picture them gone,  and decide you don't care what they think of you,  and move on.  This is really too much guilty and burden and sadness over nothing.