I'm trying to figure myself out, so to say. I just overheard a doctor on the radio talking about how young girls will masterbate for comfort because something isn't right in the household. I remember doing this when I was in kindergarden. I have no recollection of when I first started this, or how I learned this. My household was a bit crazy...I remember my parents dropping the F bomb at eachother upstairs when I was in maybe first or second grade. Other than that I have an extremely splotchy memory of other things that happend when I was younger. My mom told me, as well as my aunt, that I was strangled by my dad when I was younger. I even heard that there is a possibility I was sexually abused when I was little. I remember having a lot of babysitters, nightmares, and not being as social with other kids my age. My parents divorced when I was in 2nd grade. From there my dad remarried twice and my mom once. We have moved around alot and I have had a hard time at the place we just moved to. I have a hard time taking criticism, harsh statements, tension, and stress from others. I don't like being rejected...but it happens so much to me. I've had a hard time keeping jobs at my new hometown...I'm constantly worried, anxious, and paranoid. Not to mention I have a low self esteem. I try to be in control of things but often times feel as if I was never in control in the first place...or feel like I'm slipping from any control. When people say something that I don't like, and when I try to back myself up...oftentimes I feel as if I can't... I have had a lot of people disrespect me as an individual but I could never bring myself to say what I felt ever. I have also had suicidal thoughts and tendancies, as well as a history of self inflicted harm...cutting, throwing up (eating disorder), and harmful impulsive behavior. I'm trying to figure out what type of help I should seek for this, since I have been to doctors and nothing has seemed to help. I also feel as if others don't like me, or if something is wrong with me. I have a hard time trusting people, even doctors. I feel as if they are against me and are going to hurt me or let me down. Could I have experienced childhood trauma that is causing me to give up and leave certain jobs once tension/criticism start?
You do need some outside help here so go back to your doctor and ask for a referral to a counselor/therapist ..you will be able to talk about your concerns and how you feel ,you could have some issues from your childhood and some cognitive therapy may help, possibly you saw a lot of disruption when you wre a child but now you are an adult and time to let go of the past move on to a happy life, getting outside help will allow you to do this, Good Luck let us know how you get on,
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