Children and Divorce

[jen008]

Hi there

I have been seperated for 6 months, going through the trials of a complicated divorce.. I have a 10yr old son who went through angry outburts a couple of months ago as he did not want to see his father (his father hit him in anger on a visit), through counsellors recomendation I told my son that he did not have to visit with him until he was ready to see him.. Since then his outbursts have stopped and he seems much happier in himself.. Not 100% but I wouldn't expect that in this situation..
The big one is my 8yr old son.. Up until 2 weeks ago he had been seeing his father regularly and seemed to be "dealing" with the divorce relatively easily. Then out of the blue he no longer wants to see his dad. I asked if there was anything going on that upset him at dad's house and he said No and if there were he would tell me?? he said he just wants to stay home with me and his brother (his sister still sees their dad).. Anyway last week while I was with my eldest son at the counsellors, my ex husband went to pick my 8yr old up from school.. when he saw his dad apperently he burst into floods of tears and ran and hid in the toilets..To cut a long story short, he refused to go with him, so he sat in the office until I got there..(I left the counsellors early and went to pick him up).. His explanation was he didn't want to see his dad that day, he wanted me.. The day after that my son got into a fight with a boy at school (this is something my son has never done before), My son threw a ball at the other boy, so the boy went after him and they had a fight... Today I leave the kids with the babysitter while I go over to my friends house and the sitter phones me in floods of tears saying my 8yr old son had threatened to call the police on her because she told him to go to bed.. Apperently he was screaming at her saying he hated her and she was a really mean person...

I have been through the 8's before, so I know it's a rocky time and I was ready for that.. But I was not ready for the over the top behaviour my son is now displaying.. I read up on divorce and the effects on kids and I try to make life as normal as possible for them.. He sleeps in my bed for security, has done since his dad moved out, I shower him with love and reasurrance all the time. His life has routine and consistencey, and I am still the same on the discipline and rules as before..I really don't know what else to do?... I have told him he too doesn't have to see his father until he's ready, but I'm not quite sure why he no longer wants to go so I can't help him with his feelings (He won't talk to the counsellor), plus I am so scared it is going to affect the boys long term not seeing their father, but pushing them to see him is making them both angry so I don't know what to do for the best?..

Any advice from those who have been through this would be very much appreciated!!!

[jen008]

Hi there

Good eye for my grammer ;)  I am originaly from the UK, but now live in Canada.. My ex has been reported for hitting my son by the cousellor, but nothing has come of that yet.. Not sure if anything "legal" should be done (except maybe a visit to tell him that lashing out at our son isn't appropriate) as it was a reaction to my son's temper more than child abuse.. My ex has backed off from seeing the boys and he is in counselling himself, I am not...I was for a while when my ex had his affair but with money being tight and having a 2 yr old home full time was proving difficult to go (I have no family here to help out with watching her...)

I spoke with my mom today and she said the same as you with my 8yr old probably wanting me to come home.. Fortunitly I was only 5 minutes away so I came home straight away.. It's all trial and error right now, just struggling through it and hoping most of what I do is the right decision for them!!

[Agiesmom]

If you are in the UK (a couple of words and spellings in your post lead me to believe you may be), what happened to your ex-husband (legally) as a result of hitting your son?  Is your ex-husband being understanding and giving them their space or is he trying to force them to visit him?  Is your ex-husband in counseling?  Are you?

It's an unfortunate situation--even when kids seem to handle it well or ok, they are not...they just aren't expressing their feelings.  I'd continue to take him to the counselor to see if he eventually opens up.  And I'm guessing your son acted up with the sitter because he wanted you to come home.  Any chance that you could visit with friends while the kids are with their father (when that time comes)?

I'm sorry for what your kids are going through.  All the best to you.