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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
Clingy 21/2 year old
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
Clingy 21/2 year old
by marie, Feb 12, 2000 12:00AM
A year and a half ago I became involved with a man who is the father of a little girl who is now two and a half. During the time I have known "George" he has gone through a divorce and a protracted custody battle which compelled his daughter to move back to the state we live in. While his daughter was out of state she was cared for primarily by her grandmother, recenly, however, she began daycare.
George loves to lavish attention on his little girl, and she is very attached to him. Now that she has returned to the state, he sees her 3-4 times a week. The problem is that whenever I am around them she HAS to be in his arms or on his lap. When his daughter and I am alone, she will cry for a minute or two after daddy leaves, but she will quickly warm up to me and play with me or play quietly by herself. However, the minute daddy returns he picks her up and she screams whenever he tries to put her down. This problem recently culminated as we were trying to pack up his apartment because he and I have decided to move in together. He could not put her down and do any work because he could not stand to hear her cry, yet if he left the room she would sit quietly on the bed and play or would help me put stuff in boxes.
I am at my wits end. I can understand that with all the comings and goings and changes in this little girl's life that she is probably very fearful when the people she has bonded with leave and why she is excited when they return. I cannot, however, understand why she has to be so clingy with daddy. Sometimes I feel that he feeds into it and if he would just let her be for a little bit she would be okay. She might cry for a minute or two, but as long as she's safe and well cared for I don't really see the harm. Of course, he thinks I am cruel and heartless.
I have planned a life with this man, and now I fear that I have made a terrible mistake. This has become a huge contended issue between us. I just feel that his little girl has him wrapped around his finger, and I don't feel that it is good for anyone. I don't mean to say that he should never hug her or spend special time with her, but the way things are now it's impossible for him to do anything when she is around. Is there a happy medium for us?
George loves to lavish attention on his little girl, and she is very attached to him. Now that she has returned to the state, he sees her 3-4 times a week. The problem is that whenever I am around them she HAS to be in his arms or on his lap. When his daughter and I am alone, she will cry for a minute or two after daddy leaves, but she will quickly warm up to me and play with me or play quietly by herself. However, the minute daddy returns he picks her up and she screams whenever he tries to put her down. This problem recently culminated as we were trying to pack up his apartment because he and I have decided to move in together. He could not put her down and do any work because he could not stand to hear her cry, yet if he left the room she would sit quietly on the bed and play or would help me put stuff in boxes.
I am at my wits end. I can understand that with all the comings and goings and changes in this little girl's life that she is probably very fearful when the people she has bonded with leave and why she is excited when they return. I cannot, however, understand why she has to be so clingy with daddy. Sometimes I feel that he feeds into it and if he would just let her be for a little bit she would be okay. She might cry for a minute or two, but as long as she's safe and well cared for I don't really see the harm. Of course, he thinks I am cruel and heartless.
I have planned a life with this man, and now I fear that I have made a terrible mistake. This has become a huge contended issue between us. I just feel that his little girl has him wrapped around his finger, and I don't feel that it is good for anyone. I don't mean to say that he should never hug her or spend special time with her, but the way things are now it's impossible for him to do anything when she is around. Is there a happy medium for us?
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Feb 13, 2000 12:00AM
, Feb 13, 2000 12:00AM
Dear Marie,
After what this little girl has endured, it's no wonder she is anxious about being apart from her father. She is experiencing separation anxiety secondary to the dislocations she has experienced. You seem to understand what is prompting her reactions.
Relative to managing the situation, her father is actually, probably unwittingly, exacerbating the situation by accomodating his daughter's preference that he hold her. Only by allowing her to be outside his presence and away from his grasp will she gradually become more secure and less anxious. Your instincts in this regard are correct, as witnessed by the fact that she quickly settles down after she separates from him.
Her father probably thinks he will be hurting her if he allows her to cry and be unsettled. In fact, he will actually be helping her. It's much the same situation as parents experience when they bring their children to pre-school or kindergarten - i.e., the child may cry and be in distress, but it's not a sign that the parent should stay. Once the parent leaves, and allows the child to settle in, the child adapts quite well.
After what this little girl has endured, it's no wonder she is anxious about being apart from her father. She is experiencing separation anxiety secondary to the dislocations she has experienced. You seem to understand what is prompting her reactions.
Relative to managing the situation, her father is actually, probably unwittingly, exacerbating the situation by accomodating his daughter's preference that he hold her. Only by allowing her to be outside his presence and away from his grasp will she gradually become more secure and less anxious. Your instincts in this regard are correct, as witnessed by the fact that she quickly settles down after she separates from him.
Her father probably thinks he will be hurting her if he allows her to cry and be unsettled. In fact, he will actually be helping her. It's much the same situation as parents experience when they bring their children to pre-school or kindergarten - i.e., the child may cry and be in distress, but it's not a sign that the parent should stay. Once the parent leaves, and allows the child to settle in, the child adapts quite well.
