Clingy Teen.

My husband got his son from his ex after a struggle for two years to come and permanently live with him. She wanted to reconcile with my husband but he married me 11/2 years ago which made the matters worse. My husband many times blamed our marriage for complicating the situation to get his son and angering his ex. They all blamed me for coming between the matters in one form or the other. Anyways, now he has the thirteen years old son living with him. He has been with us for over three months. Now here is the situation he sleeps, eats, sits and constantly clings to his father. They share bathrooms, walkin closet and bed together. He refuses to sleep alone. My husband is always touching, kissing and hugging him we have no adult or personal time together at all. Even in a restaurant they sit together and cling. My husband looses his patients if I ever ask him to wean him off slowly...he says that he will not be pressured by anyone to seprate the son to sleep away even if it takes months. He has screamed at me in front of the child blaming me for being short with his son. The fact is this child and I get along well. We have no problem in fact I care for him a lot. But my husband is over protective of his son.His mother calls on skype and talks with my husband and the child as if they are still a family asking my husband to get health insuarance for her from his employer since he just got a new job she encourages his sleeping with dad. when you sleep with him hold your dad's hands they are always soft. I have no problem if it is good for this child to see his parents having care for each other, however; It seems like none of the parents are interested in supporting this child into being a independent, secure, confident child, as if if they encourage him into having his own space, time and acitivities they are being a bad parent.He is never told to follow any rules, every plan is made only if his son approves.I see no signs or willingness from my husband's side to make his son at last have his own space in huge house of 5000 suare feet we all sleep, bath and change in the master suite. I do not want to force anything because I have been blamed before for marrying my husband even by my husband.He tells me to be patient it might take months or years otherwise do whatever.....any suggestions..I do want some companionship

[RockRose]

Why are you still there?  

[RockRose]

Why are you still there?  

[margypops]

It seems it is the father who has the co dependency, I agree with you this is too much, only 2 choices as I see it, you  leave until he gets a handle on how to handle the son or wait it out ,as it probably will resolve itself as the son goes into puberty and wants more privacy .this is a tough one that only you can resolve .good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

I tend to think margypops is correct when she says to wait it out.  It's excessive, but it might shift when all the drama wears off, and that is probably not something to expect in only three months.  In the meantime, if you want to stay (per RockRose's question), play nice.  If you have to, complain every week to a therapist, but put on a good face at home.  The only thing I would suggest or object to, to my husband, is nothing about the boy but asking him not to scream at me in front of the child.  Tell him that he has every right to have a private conversation with you if he is angry, but that basic respect requires he not yell at you in front of a third person.  (What the heck, maybe it will unlock the grip for ten minutes while he takes a private moment to yell and scream.)   My sense is that this situation will change of itself, but that any questions from you about what the husband is doing with his son at this point will be received as the evil stepmother trying to ace out the beloved child.  

It's all well and good to say "it seems like none of the parents are interested in supporting this child into being a independent, secure, confident child, as if if they encourage him into having his own space, time and acitivities they are being a bad parent," but if the time you husband did not have the child was traumatic for them both, you are rushing the happy conclusion a little.  It could well take more than three months to get over the losses and difficulties of the past and believe that things are finally OK.  (I knew a guy who adopted a young teen who had kicked around the foster system a lot.  It took months before the kid was even confident enough to sass back at his dad.  The guy was really happy at that signal, because it meant the child was not so frightened any more.)  If you give the good speech about how the kid is now ready to suck it all up and become autonomous, the whole thing could seem to others like no matter how high-toned the description, your main motive is to get the kid out of your bedroom.  (My father-in-law used to say, "Your self-interest is talking so loud I can't hear a word you're saying.")  

Again, talk to a therapist.  He or she could give you insight about how long it might take for the child and dad to realize in their hearts that all is finally well, and can provide a sounding board for you just to get some of this off your chest (and to learn to cope with the screaming husband).

[kal105]

I have left.... after my husband again screamed at me again in front of his son and a sales woman in a furniture shop. Only because I told him to buy some furniture for his son's room because now that he has started school and has some boys coming over to play. It does not look right that he does not even a have a room to call his own when there are so many rooms in the house. My husband felt that I am trying to somehow separate them from sleeping together and yelled in front of the son and sales lady when I had only whispered to him. I was so ashamed when  he said all I am possibly interested in is sex  that is why I want another room for his son. His son started smiling I was so ashamed.

[RockRose]

Lordy,  Kal.  : (   Glad you're out of there.