Concerns with my 9 year old son!

I have a 9 year old boy who I am having some problems with.  He doesn't want to listen (most of the time) whether its asking him to clean up messes or his room or just to help with around the house chores.  He has a tendensy to lie and just wants to do what he wants to do.  He can be distructive at times as in breaking some toys (nothing major, but smaller stuff), he will bang/throw things off the walls.  He at times will just get in this mood and play in a distructive way and even play with his 6 year old sister rough (I don't think he means any harm).  They two of them start playing nicely and then it get out of hand.  He is not always this way, it seems to go in spurts.  The other day him and his sister were caught jumping off the counter top and he was the one starting the wild behavior (it was like a five year old thing to do; not nine).

He does pretty good in school; has no problems with other kids and gets along fine.  The main concern with teachers is that he doesn't want to pay attention.  He got A's and B's last year and is getting C's this year.  

I know we have this listening and paying attention problem with him; but I just don't know what to do anymore.  Grounding him doesn't seem to work anymore.  Putting him in a corner doesn't seem to affect him; he wiggles his way out a little bit and starts watching whatever goes on around him.  Me and my husband have to tell him numerous times to do or not to do something.  A lot of times we have to yell in order for us to get his attention.  I know yelling isn't good for the kids.  

Please give me some advise.  He for the most part is a good and loving child.  Unfortunately, this situation takes a toll on me and my husband; and I just want to get our good family status back again where we can enjoy each other.

Thanks for your help.  Teresa

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Teresa,

Probably the most common type of concern raised by parents of school-age children is how to manage difficult, non-compliant behavior. This concern comes up repeatedly among many people, so you are certainly not alone.

Because we address this so often, I won't reiterate much of the information here. But use the Search function available in this Forum and ask for information on Discipline, Behavior, Aggression, Oppositional, Time Out, etc. You will then see a listing of the various replies to parents who have addressed this issue.

A couple of steps you can take right away are to limit the number of times you repeat a direction to two, and do not give up on time out. It is an effective behavior management tool when implemented correctly. It sounds like you need some help in fine tuning your method, and the prior postings go into some detail about this.

Remember to remain calm, but firm, when you are managing your son's behavior. When we are expecting a good measure of self-control from our children, it's critical that we maintain our own equanimity. Otherwise, we tend to act in a less-than-rational way ourselves, and model for our children a poor way of handling frustration.

Please obtain the book S.O.S. Help for Parents (by Lynn Clark, published by Parents Press in Bowling Green, Kentucky). It is a treasure for parents.