Conflict with Wife, Stepson

Hello - I'm new to this forum and hope that it can help me out.

I have been married to my wife for over 8 years now and she has a 12-year-old boy from a previous marriage.  We have since had a child together - a 3-year-old girl.  For all of our 8 years, my stepson has always wanted to crawl in bed next to his mother and I have basically been asked to shut up about it.  This is the one and only conflict my wife and I have, and I don't know what to do about it.  I am uncomfortable with it because he's as tall as his mother and he is showing signs of hormonal development.  When he was younger, it didn't bother me as much, but the older he gets, the more uncomfortable I become.  If I bring it up, either nicely or not, it blows up into a fiasco and I end up rolling over and drooling for a period of time until I get fed up again.  The point is, it is my bedroom also and I have no say-so on who comes in and when.  It's not that my stepson is unwelcome, I just can't speak up if I don't want him to come in.

I really want to resolve this matter once and for all, and I don't think my wife will budge on it.  Any advice?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The fact that your wife is doing this is worrisome, as is the fact that she is not open to discussion about it. It's clearly a sore point, and I wonder what she thinks she would be doing if she did not permit her son to be in bed with her. This is a particular concern because of his age, and at some level the practice must make him uneasy as well. A few sessions with a couples therapist might help, because in that context she might be better able to have a discussion about the behavior, including why she thinks it is a good idea and why she does not like your idea to change it. My guess is that she thinks she'll be rejecting her son if she disallows this practice.

[AHP84]

Hi...I just wanted to share with you some information/advice I have learned recently at a parenting class through my church. Now, whether you are a church-goer/religious or not, believe me, this advice is beneficial to any parent. Basically, the first lessons presented in the class were about the husband/wife relationship, and how it is a necessity that that relationship is put above the parent/child relationship. Here's the key: the husband/wife relationship came before the children, and the children came afterwards as an extension of the family and welcome members of it.
Now I know you said this is your stepson, so obviously, it's the other way around for you to a certain degree. But here's the thing--as the parents and the heads of the home, the two of you are the children's authority, whether or not they are stepchildren or biological. They are children and therefore need authority to guide them until maturity, for their emotional, mental, and physical well-being. And the parents are the ultimate people who are responsible for maintaining the authority throughout a child's life.
The fact that your 12 y.o. stepson is intruding (and it IS intruding) into you and your wife's personal area (the bed) is at the point now where it's not only weird, but disturbing too. I'm sure there are plenty of other opportunities during the day when he is able to spend such intimate time with the two of you; if not, make it a point to have such time for a small timeframe of the day (say 15 minutes). But NOT in your bed, in your bedroom. If this has been going on for 8 yrs., it's not going to be an overnight habit-breaker emotionally, but I'd say it does need to stop cold turkey. And your wife should back you up as the parental authority. As I mentioned earlier, children are welcome members to the family, so as their authority, you have the say where and when they are welcomed into such an intimate place between you and your wife. And in my opinion, in the bed in your bedroom is no longer an appropriate place for a 12 y.o. child. If your wife does not back you up at first, consistantly keep up the request--consistantly. Don't "roll over and drool" as you put it, because your concern and argument is perfectly legitimate.
Good luck.