Counselling benefits

Scenario:  Child w/mother as primary custody. Father sees problems and wants to take child to counseling.  Mother will not admit there is a problem and, therefore, is uncooperative. Father takes child to counselor. Upon further converation with counselor is advised that even with both parents cooperating, is a challenge. But, without the mother cooperating and father having limited visitation (one day/week and every other weekend)that his control obviously is very limited. Therefore, would not advise trying counseling because each step forward will be undone by the uncooperative parent who obviously enables the child and the problems. That the child will continually revert back to the environment and normal pattern for that child that she has been brought up around and is still around full time. Any suggestions for distraught parent? Obviously, the counselor has a valid point, aside from the fact that if the child won't admit to problems and doesn't want help, how can one get help for this child?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Sara,

As is usually the case with children's issues, the behavior of the parents is the most significant variable in relation to how much change to expect. As a general rule of thumb, the degree of change that can be expected of a child is directly proportional to changes the parent(s) can make.

When a parent communicates to a child that therapy is not valuable, the child's allegiance to the parent will usually prevail and the child will not be able to take advantage of therapy. Now, to some extent, the therapist's position can vary according to the age of the child. Even in the face of opposition or devaluing with one parent, a young child can still use the support of the therapist in dealing with the difficult family situation. With an adolescent, the cooperation of the child is crucial - you can lead a horse to water ....

Sometimes, all that can be done is for a parent to be the best possible parent he/she can be while he/she is with the child. That can go a long way, even when the bulk of the child's life is spent with the other parent who may not be as reasonable.

[Sara]

Thanks for your input. I guess I just find it hard to accept that nothing can be done for a child in need...Aside from the lies which is beyond covering you behind lies, the poor personal hygiene, failing two classes and saying didn't know they were doing poorly, didn't get report card, interim reports... the list goes on and on. Ugh. Sounds like a kid headed for REAL problems. Especially, if she believes the lies she is telling. Sat wi counselor and father and still denied knowing she was doing poorly in classes.  I said, either totally stupid, on drugs or lying. Pick one.  Think we can rule out the first... Of course, don't know about drugs, but the father won't even entertain that thought. Not his child. He would know.  

Thanks again.