hmmmphhh...Im already exhausted before even beginiing the discussion. She's 5 n a half...and is VERY CRANKY...VERY CRANKY...almost always. I would keep it as a 70 to 30 ratio of her being happy and listening to us and her being cranky, over with her dialogues, making WEIRD faces for her innocence....GODDD, shes cries so much!!
I have discussed this at so many places...so many exprienced Mums and have tried all possible ways but all in vain...in the gutter, in fact. Me and DH feel pissed off now. SHe would wake up crying even after sleep of 8 hours during the night...WOuld keep falling here and there on the bed or the sofa....
we tried letting her be...not telling her every few minutes to drink her milk and get to bath for school...those few days she left her milk or got so late that I had to rush her to school without bathing her . Night baths here in India, not possible..it gets so hot and sticky by morning again :-(
SLeep time - hard to get her to bed...morning..harder to wake her up...Whatever we ask her to do even with choices given to her, she'll say NOT NOW...BIT LATER.
Just few egs - last evening I was preparing dinner..was kneading dough and she suddenly remembered that she had thought of playing a particular game on the PC. I told her that I was busy and I didnt have that game saved with me..I'll have to look for it..It'll take time..I have to prepare dinner and make her sleep in time..She could play something esle and next day I shall keep the game in PC by the time she's back from school....twice..thrice..4 times..she kept saying Please....tell me how to do..I will..tell papa..he will..please....Iand she makes faces...weird ones ...I SO SO HATE THAT!! kept answering her softly...At last I had to shout at her...and there..she began crying and her dialogues - no one loves me..all keep scolding me...AND THIS IS NOT TRUE..She tests our patience like just anything.
another eg - had her PTM at school few days back....presentation for parents followed by PTM. We dint wake her up for we thought she'll get bored there. But she woke up at end moment and said I wanna go..there must be other classmates, I'll play with them. Okay we took her ..no time to bathe her or give her breakfast, so I quickly packed some for her to have in the car. Reached school...there were classmates..they were calling her again and again..she didn't go..bcos they were not her choice of friends...they were not the ones who would play as per her. She kept sitting in my lap..disturbing me now and then...didnt want to go and watch movie in movie room with friends..didnt want to sit with them in the kids row in presentation room..Okay fine..not her group of pals...One of her pals came..Now she won't listen to me at all... I needed to talk to her teacher..NO! she wanted to play..Okay sent her at school play area...They played for about more than half an hour and then she wasn't ready to come back home...so many parents around..with their kids her classmates..and she was yelling like hell..She wanted to go to her pal's house and not her own..Nothing would pacify her..I had to at last shrug her shoulders and tell her to behave..and all parents started telling me NOT TO BE STRICT!!! We went to her pals'...stayed there for lunch...around 2 and a half hours...She wouldn't come back..same scene all over again.
Yes , shes a single child and is gonna be that way...BUT is not deprived of outings with family or home plays..or play dates..and she behaves this way almost each time...wherever we go..be it a friends..be it my mums...be it anywhere she is enjoying...Giving 5-10 mins extra doesn't help..she will still do the same...She does the same at home...for each and every possible issue...be it time for study...be it time to sleep..packing back her toy bag.
:-( I cant help being firm wth her. TIME OUTS have never helped...she wont stick to the chair...would keep crying and cling to my legs.. with her....please...please...would say sorry and many dialogues and would forget each next time...
Momiies..she is a sweet girl..and we love her so much. I just cannot let her be...I dont want her to become the way she is becoming...I cant be very strict to her or for long....I fear that might affect her little mind negatively.... Leaving loose makes her mad and us crazy..
She wont take the discussion sessions however soft or firm they be..she'll cry..cry..cry...and fall sick..or vomit...
In short - she's happy or sad...both ways...she becomes hard to handle. SHe's good at times..just at times.. SHe's sharp, intelligent but is getting more into being adamant, cranky...and away from discipline.
I'm so stuck..and feel sucked..I feel bad for all this..I want her to be happy and us too. Please pour in mommies...
Well, I can tell you the first thought that popped into my head is that perhaps she is overtired? You mention 8 hours sleep, and I believe the recommendation for that age is more like 10 hours per night. When young children are overtired they can become very cranky (heck, adults too - I get cranky if not enough sleep). It also can become harder to get them to bed at night when overtired. Try putting her to bed a bit earlier and see if that helps. Sorry, it's all I can really suggest. I might also talk to her Dr. All the best to you.
thanks for responding adgal...but during off days she sleeps for 10 hours and at times if she wakes up early, I try to make her sleep at noon. Yes, sleep, tiredness, exrtion are factors but not always :-(
It would be so helpful to see what behavior you're talking about - it's sometimes so hard to get a clear view of the interactions between parents and children with a short post on the internet.
The one thing that caught my eye is your description of "shrugging" her shoulders - I don't even know what that means. "Shrugging" usually is something the person does to their own shoulders - it's a slight raising of the shoulders that means "I don't know".
The part of that that caught my eye was "all other parents started telling me NO TO BE STRICT!!" Do you really mean all the other parents - or like, one parent said that? The reason I say this, is that the two of you may have a very out of control looking relationship - almost like two equals in combat. Is that the case?
If she were creating a scene at school demanding to go to the friend's house, that's the time to say no, you won't get what you ask for by making a scene, and then quietly take her home. Instead of giving in , and going to the friend's house for 2 1/2 hours. If she knows she won't get what she wants by fighting with you, she'll stop it.
It sounds like the two of you have very strong personalities and she's fighting to be dominant, and you're in the fight to be dominant also.
Have you thought about family counseling? Someone who could actually look at the interactions and give you suggestions?
Sleep, like discipline must be a constant.
It is really important for a child her age to get the same constant sleep. You cannot make it up with a noon time nap. She needs about a half hour of down time before she goes to bed. During that time, read to her books from the "Learning to get along" series. They can be found here - http://www.amazon.com/Cool-Through-Anger-Learning-Along/dp/1575423464/ref=pd_sim_b_5
I don't know what her sleep habits are - but its a huge factor in anybodys daily routine. Its also worth checking into sleep apnea.
I noticed you said, "so many exprienced Mums and have tried all possible ways but all in vain." that could be a problem. To change behavior if has to be consistent and immediate at this age. Experts say it takes 3 weeks of consistent reinforcement to effect a change. If you try one thing and then try another thing, and particularly if the child is smart, it won't work. Get the book, "Love and Logic" by Fay and Cline. Its got a very good system. Hope this helps.
thanks for replying...I agree its quite difficult to be able to pose what exactly it was like...
Shrugging..yes I meant I had to hold her from her shoulder/upper arm , a bit firmly and look into her eyes and tell her "Sam..enough..STop misbehaving.: ALl parents...sorry..I meant 2 of them...the one to whose place she was insisting to go(that pals Grandma was also being consistent to let her come..but they live quite far and it wasn't possible that day. Me and DH kept avoiding that grandma and Sam was taking advantage of it)...The other Mom was the girl's whose house we went thereafter. They lived just closeby...and by chance we had been meeting since last few PTM's at school...and kept inviting each other but it never worked..That day that Mum was insisting that come over to our place for some time...kids will play and Sam's mood will get better...I was bit hesitant...had work at home but then DH saiid indirectly to me...lets go..this is the chance when we can try to change and expand Sam's group. So, we went there...
As you said , I should have said a NO and taken her back home from school...I cant carry her anymore..she's tall and heavy for me to carry specially with her tantrums..her papa carried her and she kept stretching her legs and crying to get down till we reached out to the car.
She was deprived of her cartoons thereafter for 2 days...and I talked to her softly about this the next day and she, like always was - Mumma you are starting again...I said I'm sorry(her sorries are just to be spoken:-() you'll make me cry again...then my nose will flow...I'll fall sick!!!
Then , last 2 days..she was a darling the entire day yesterday and many times, I praised her yesterday. But day before yesterday had been again bad..whole day...I avoid to speak much...tell her twice..then keep quiet and continue my work and she'll keep after me...that why are you not talking...not naughty with me!! When I tell her that I'm upset..she said Okay take off my TV for 2 days...Okay 3 days...but talk to me..be normal..
I felt...WHAT?? this means depriving of something too wasn't making much of difference. I dont understand..at times she's so sweet..at times terrible.
DH says she'll be fine within a year or two...but you will ruin your health :-(
yesterday she was with me whole day..while I was working..she sat beside making cards..washed bathrooms with me..etc etc..she was good whole day but I dont want her to get addicted to me..she cant be beside me ALWAYS.
Oh dear, don't you see--------- when you deprived her of your good mood, happy chatter, and approval, she was upset! Taking away the tv won't work because she doesn't value that. She values YOU! This is good news. You can now understand her better. I'd tell her that I'll talk to you after 5 minutes of you doing the right thing. (keeping in mind that I am trying my best to understand the situation you describe).
She is your baby and has found ways that work with you to either get attention or get what she wants. close that down in a loving, firm way.
thanku so much for that encouragement.... I hope I wont offend you by admitting that yes...she values me the most...me and her Papa..and if she had no toys and just us to play with and talk...she'd be fine almost at least 80% of the times without any toys....but thats not practically possible...and there are times when I get urgently stuck in some work..I need to do that...telling her softly works at times..not always....she would wait...after insisting once or twice but for all that time, she'll keep asking - Mumma how long??...Thats what I said..we dont want her to get addicted to us....she loves to play with dolls and daily we both play some or the other fairy tale with her dolls..like it was Rapunzel yesterday...but she wants me to keep playing with her always :-)
ANd keeping this aside...shouting, yelling.....outside the house as I detailed above....that time she wont listen even if I tell her we'll get back home and watch a movie together. I understand all kids value their age company...she goes to grandparents room..will watch TV..then comes to me asking for the same and would cry that I watched only for li'll time...Months back, I started the clock system..that you can see TV for 1 hour daily during school days and 2 hours daily..in instalments..except if its a movie.....on holidays...I used to show her the clock and tell her till what time she can watch...but then she'll say there were so many advertisements....this was not one of my choice...etc etc.
I'm grateful to ALL moms here who are guiding me and for sure I'm gonna benefit from this...but I just hate myself when I get forced to get firm to her. Today, I'm feeling weird discussing her tantrums bcos she's been so sweet with negligible tantrums in last 2-3 days.....I wish she could be like this, not always but at least mostly. We never mind her tantrums..adamancy and I proudly say, me and DH are good parents...and we dont want to miss the glories of parenthood.
Oh, I understand dear. I had my own little 'cling on' as I called him as well. Loved my baby boy, but had to do SOMETHING once in a while that didn't include holding or playing with him. This is actually my second chld I'm speaking of. He was very attached. He still is even at 7 and would prefer to be in any room I am in.
One thing I did for him when he was two is I had special little things to occupy him that I only pulled out when I needed to. I had a bag of lots of neat magnets that I'd pull out when I was making dinner or doing dishes--- he'd sit in front of our refrigerator and play with them. I even got this refrigerator thing that you put letters in and out of and it talks to you. But I only got these things out when I needed him to be occupied while I did something in the kitchen. I had a bag of special puzzles. Only could do that bag of puzzles when I needed him to be occupied and I'd pull it out. I had a bag of books that only came out at special times. I had a lacing thing that I kept in a bag. I had a beading bag. I eventually had a bag with coloring papers and crayons. Etc. I was a bag lady and when I needed him to stay focused on something else besides me---- a bag would come out. And since it was special and not always around the house or at his disposal whenever he wanted it, it got his attention and I'd get maybe 15 minutes or so of time to finish somehing up!
I would start to think of natural consequences with her. You know what she wants------------ YOU and your attention. Tell her that if she will read these books, when she finishes----- you will do X with her. If not, you will not do X that day at all. She's little but she'll get this more and more as time goes on. Then try ignoring her a bit more.
I would also say that while she seems a bit of 'pain' (I say lovingly) now----- you WILL eventually miss it. These are beautiful years. My house was not perfectly clean during the toddler years but ya know what, it was a great time in our life that I can never get back. So, look for the beauty in this as well. Peace
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