Daughter Refuses Assistance

Posted by Tiffany on April 18, 1999 at 23:04:17
Hi, I have a number of concerns regarding my 3 1/2, almost
four year old daughter.  She refuses to let anyone help her with
anything.  This is both good and bad, however, she will immediately
give up on small activities if she is having trouble and refuses
both verbal and physical help.  She immediately throws a fit at
this point and throws anything and everything she can get a hold of.  
How can we plan activities for her without the whole situation turning ugly?  
We are also struggling with toilet training.....still!!  It's been
a long time and she still wets her pants.  We've tried everything
without success.  Any help you can send our way would be greatly
appreciated.
Thank you,
Tiffany.  


Posted by HVM Ph.D. - KDK on April 22, 1999 at 08:07:10
Dear Tiffany,
Well, your daughter seems to have 'read' the Three-Year-Old Handbook. Children this age often strive to master any number of experiences - they thrive on accomplishments. At the same time, of course, there are limits to what they can achieve and their tolerance for frustration is not yet well developed. It is only by going through the rigors of trying (sometimes succeeding, sometimes not) that they learn how to manage frustration. During the period of development when their capacity for tolerating frustration is limited, three-year-olds can be easily overwhelmed by frustration and the anger it generates. This is manifested in so-called tantrums. When tantrums are non-destructive (i.e., noisy but not injurious), they are best left alone - ignored, if you will. When tantrums include self-injurious behavior or efforts to hurt others or damage property, careful physical restraint is necessary until the child regains her composure.
Re; toilet training, be patient. Keep introducing your daughter to the idea, and reward her for her efforts to accomplish this developmental task. You can simply keep a poster on the wall, on which you will place an attractive sticker whenever your daughter uses the toilet. Immediately on recepit of the sticker, she should receive some modest treat or favor (e.g., a small party favor). You've probably already used some of the readily available children's literature re: toilet training. If not, give it a try, reading it with your daughter every now and then. Don't overdo it. If your daughter perceives that you're overly invested in her accomplishing toilet training, this could actually delay such accomplishment.
This information is provided for purposes of general medical information. Please consult your health care providers for diagnostic and treatment options that pertain to your specific situation.
*Keyword: tantrums, toilet training