Daughter doesn't accept the other guy

My Ex had and affair which led to our divorce after 18 years.  We share custody ( week-on, week-off) of our 9 year old daughter.  She has continued dating the person she had an affair with and has consistently worked at creating a relationship between our daughter and this person whom our daughter knows is the man with whom her Mom had the affair.  Our daughter has, and continues to ask her not to not see him on the weeks she is with her Mom.  It has gone from Mom asking, to Mom not asking only to find the boyfriend waiting at the restaurant, or announcing on the way out of town that he is joining them for the weekend trip to Sea World, etc.  My daughter loves her Mom and does not want to upset her but the conflict has grown to a breaking point after 1 1/2 years.  My question is this - How does this situation typically work out when the new partner was the person involved in the affair.  I've looked online....But find nothing that speaks clearly to this issue.  I can't be the only one experiencing this.  Any input appreciated.

[RockRose]

I think your daughter is showing great character and discernment with who she wants to associate with,  something she didn't learn from her mother,  that's for sure!   I think her discomfort with the situation should be respected - with a simple statement like sometimes adults purposely do wrong things, and when others show disdain for that misbehavior they get upset.  

The thing is,  her mom did an ugly thing - and doesn't want to suffer any repercussions for it at all,  and wants the daughter just to sit and exude happy happy joy joy all the time.

I think you should just tell your daughter I'm sorry you have been placed in the middle of this awful mess,  and by your reaction I can tell you won't put your children through this.

Good for her!  We need more people with backbone who will not just roll over and forgive.

[mammo]

Unless this man is harming your daughter in any way, there is nothing you can do about him.  But your daughter's feelings need to be addressed by her mother and you.  It appears that this man is here to stay, and it's important that your daughter have a good relationship with him for this reason.  Has your daughter told you why she doesn't like this man?  It's sad that your daughter even knows that her mother had an affair, even worse that she is probably trying to make all of you happy.  Is it possible that she feels she shouldn't like the man because you don't?  I hope your daughter has not been caught in the middle of this.  It was wrong for this man to have had an affair with your wife, but if she truly loved you she would not have had the affair.  She is as much to blame as him.  But your daughter needs to be able to be happy with all of you, and not have this burden of keeping everyone happy.  You need to find out why she doesn't want him around, and if he's nice to her, then it's best that you and your ex talk to her and let her know it's okay for her to like this man.  You will always be her daddy, nobody can take this away.  But she is living with a lot in just knowing about the affair.  If this man is mistreating her, then you can go back to court and have something done.  But if he's not, you both need to address your daughter's issues and go from there. Your daughter may actually like the guy but feels this would hurt you, and no child should have to go thru that.  I'm sure you have a lot of anger towards this man, and it's imperative that your daughter not know this.  She's too young to have this burden, and it needs to be nipped in the bud right now.  I know it's a difficult situation, and your daughter may just wish things were like they were before the divorce.  But she has to learn to accept change, and not be angry or bitter.  She can have 2 happy homes instead of one unhappy home.  Talk to her and find out what the problem is and go from there.  It may mean having a real heart to heart with your ex for your daughter's well being, but she is who matters right now.  Good luck with this and take care...

[specialmom]

I wanted to add to mammo's comments that it is important that your daughter feels she can share her feelings with you but you must remain neutral.  Do not bad mouth this man or say her mother is doing the wrong thing.  If you have a grievance such as that----  you talk to her mother separately.  Your role is to support her and sometimes supporting her is helping her get past something.  If her mother is going to be with this man  . . . even though it hurts, your goal would be for them to get along.  So stay positive and neutral allowing her to vent as needed but do not join in the venting in any way yourself. good luck

[RockRose]

I think your daughter is showing great character and discernment with who she wants to associate with,  something she didn't learn from her mother,  that's for sure!   I think her discomfort with the situation should be respected - with a simple statement like sometimes adults purposely do wrong things, and when others show disdain for that misbehavior they get upset.  

The thing is,  her mom did an ugly thing - and doesn't want to suffer any repercussions for it at all,  and wants the daughter just to sit and exude happy happy joy joy all the time.

I think you should just tell your daughter I'm sorry you have been placed in the middle of this awful mess,  and by your reaction I can tell you won't put your children through this.

Good for her!  We need more people with backbone who will not just roll over and forgive.

[specialmom]

She's 9.  I'm more for helping her accept the situation that obviously will be.  I'd try to help my sons be okay with what their dad did only because I love them enough to know that if they can't control dad, they still have to live with the situation.  I'd not want to add to how they feel about it.  Same if I am mad a teacher.  I can have all the private complain sessions I want elsewhere but with my son I'll let him vent but try to make it a posative for him for his sake as I can't change it.  No fuel to any fire. Let's not forget that the years are coming that a child may start to play both parents.  I also think mom and dad should have kept grown up things like mom left me for another man to themselves for the sake of their child.  Mom and I didn't get along should have been the party line. My opinion.  You sound like a caring dad and I hope that your daughter survives these years with a relationship in tact with mom and you both.  Good luck

[mammo]

I couldn't agree more with you!  A 9 year old does not understand all this grown up stuff, and if it continues, she may grow up having some real issues.  My ex husband cheated on me, my kids never knew this, and I never said a bad thing about him to them.  He still loved them, and they him and I wasn't going to get them caught in the middle of an ugly adult situation.  This girl's mother did do an ugly thing, but it needn't be made worse by involving the little girl, and keeping it going.  It's not the little girl's place to sit in judgement of her mother, nor should she be allowed.  I too, hope they can work this out before it gets really ugly.

[domino11]

As has been my experience with the family therapists the viewpoints are varied.  I agree that it is unfortunate that my daughter has to know that my ex's relationship was born out of an affair, but all the therapist also agreed that the knowing was inevitable, it was just a question of how and when.  I chose the truth as to not would be to withhold truth which is for me lying by omission.  I had a friend who discovered this truth about her step-mom after many years of not knowing and she struggles with feeling hijacked to this day.  It seems to me that anyone with a child should give up any such relationship rather than expect the child to deal with it.  All this said, the question STILL remains - what is the impact on the child if the relationship with the other guy continues?  It seems a social taboo exist against saying "that is too much to ask of a child (regardless of age) in favor of "if Mom (or Dad) wants the relationship, just condition the child to accept it.  How do you teach good values to your child if you are everyday modeling the opposite?  My feeling is that the rights of the child precede the wants of the parent in this situation.  The parent is the responsible party and is much more emotionally equipped to adjust their life,  rather than asking the child to.  For me no parent should never continue a relationship with someone they have had an affair with.  While the teaching may be that having affairs is a bad thing, the practice is - as long as it has already happened we should just go ahead and embrace it.  Thanks for all the comments.

[Julie359]

well, if you feel this situation is seriously affecting your daughters well being, then maybe you should think about filing for full custody of your daughter.  It is clear that she isn't going to accept this man who is the reason for her parents and home being ripped apart and quite frankly i can not blame her in the slightest.  I experienced something similar while i was a child and well, today i have many emotional problems because of all the pain and heartache, so you need to think about what this will do to her in the long run.  

You should either arrange a meeting with your ex wife or consult a lawyer and meet under a more controlled situation and discuss all the issues that are clearly upsetting your daughter so deeply.  Personally i feel your ex wife is being so unbeleivably selfish in this matter, she isn't putting her daughter first at all, just her self and in my opinion she doesn't deserve to be a mother.

Hope you get the ball roling sooner rather than later for your daughters sake.

Julie

[mammo]

This man didn't rip this marriage apart, the wife is just as guilty.  A 9 year old little girl is too immature to understand what happened and sometimes it's best that the truth be kept from a child until she is an adult and I still see no reason to tell her. By telling her that her mother had an "affair" is just turning her against her mother and the man, and what purpose does this serve if only for yourself?  Why would you want your child to know this?  It doesn't matter, she was obviously unhappy in her marriage, and although it was wrong it doesn't need to be dragged out like this.  A 9 year old little girl would have no reason to dislike this man unless given a reason, and this she was given, not fair to her.  I think you need to get a mediator and  a child psychologist involved to determine if this little girl really dislikes the man, and why.  Then hope that it's not because she's been told to.  I've seen children caught in the middle like this and it really messes them up for life.  To answer your question, you need to find out why your daughter hates this man and why your wife would keep him around if this is true.  I'm not saying it isn't but It may be that your daughter is very happy with the man but feels like she shouldn't be.  I think a child psychologist is very much needed as well as a mediator to get to the bottom of all this.  If it were my daughter I'd have been back to court so fast their heads would still be spinning!