Daughter gets very upset when we go away

My 8 year old daughter gets extremely upset and distraught when my husband and I go away for overnight(s) trips.  We always have relatives take care of them (we also have a 7 and 4 yr old) and attempt to keep them on their usual schedules.  As I am not here to see her behavior I must go on heresay.  She is described to cry for fairly long periods of time, get very anxious to get home to give or recieve a call from us, sees the relative babysitting as the "bad guy", basically is miserable from before we even leave until we get home.  More than one relative has expressed their concern.  Up until 2 years ago she would also get very upset when my husband and I would go out for the evening.  She seems to have no problems leaving us, like to go to school or extracurricular activities.  But seems to have a problem when we leave her (ie. if I was in her classroom to help out for an hour or chaperoning a field trip, she would cry when I leave (I no longer help out or chaperone)).  We always let the kids know that we are going away/out in advance and explain that we will be home and they will be fine.  But we are also firm with the 8 yr old, that her getting upset and crying is not going to keep us home.  I feel she is just getting to old to behave this way.  Any suggestions?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Susan,

This form of separation anxiety tends to be pretty enduring throughout childhood, but it does wane after a while. You are correct in not allowing the behavior to drive your agenda. Try to be patient and understanding, not harsh or punitive in your approach. But also don't be reluctant to have sitters set limits if your daughter is being abusive to others while she is upset  at your absence. She is not entitled, by virtue of her distress, to mistreat other people. Generally, children who manifest this form of anxiety worry about the safety of their parents and what will become of them if harm should come to their parents. Even when this fear is conscious, and sometimes it is not, it is very difficult to reassure such children. They are responding at an emotional level, so rational discussion often does not hit the mark.

[Just a thought]

I really hate to mention this, but if it is always the same person you leave her with, could there be even a remote possibility of abuse?