Defiant 13 year old, Not happy until he has upset everyone in the house.

I have a 13 year old boy who is constantly stirring my other two children (aged 16 & 7). From the moment he gets up until he goes to bed, he is not happy until he knows he has annoyed them and they are yelling at him or upset. I am at my wits end, as it is making our household a very unhappy and angry place. He refuses to do what I ask him to do and deliberately does not do chores when he knows he has to. It is like he is trying to see how far he can push the boundaries, but when he does, he still does not give up. Dishing out a mouthful of cheek or trying to make out he did nothing. My other two children are sick & tired of his behaviour to the point where my 7 year old asked me if he could be a Foster child. He can be a gorgeous boy and is very popular at school and has a great sense of humour and I know he can do the right thing and do a very good job at it when he is in the right mood. It is like it excites him when he is stirring everyone and he thinks it is very funny and doesn't seem to care that he is upsetting everyone. Most of the time he is remorseful later on. I need your help on what to do, as it is destroying our family. Could there be an underlying problem. This has been going on for months now. What should I do. I am very firm and strict with him, but it is just not making any difference. I have taken privelages away from him and things like Ipods & Mobile Phone. What do I do next?

[grannienannie]

I have 3 boys and I know how to handle this....When my son use to do that...I would act just like him..I would say when he dont want to do his chores...how do he think those clean clothes get on his back...you doing your chores...and if decides to drive everyone crazy in the house...do this like a game since he want to play his own game all of the family should do too...ignore him and then he will ask everybody why are they doing that...and you say to him because your not behaving and its no use to waste my breath...tell him thats the way he will feel in life if he cant respect people...no one would want to be around...if you feed into his behavior he will continue to do it...tell him he is going into maturity and will start to date in few years and he has to be prepared to treat people better than that...tell him he hurting his self his family and his future...for good friends one day...

[margypops]

Are you sure its just him what is the behavior of the 16 year old like towards him ?could it be the other two gang up and get him upset?

[karennyc]

Your story could literally be interjected with my 10 year old daughter's name instead. It's not a new problem at all and I have been seeking professional attention for many years. She has no diagnosis and has years of therapy under her belt. Its true that she has suffered a great deal of tragedy and abandonement in her life, but I think she would be like this regardless.  Most therapists say that she has a need to prove that everyone hates her, so we have a few methods to deal with this. Like, not giving in and remaining strong and calm and just keep acting nice to her...which, Im sure you know, is no easy feat.  Also the "active ignoring" seems to work with her siblings, 12 and 8. I often think the middle child syndrome plays a part.  How did you get the ODD diagnosis?

[jdtm]

Its true that she has suffered a great deal of tragedy and abandonement in her life, but I think she would be like this regardless.  --  your words


The above sentences really stood out for me.  They are often mentioned by those who suffer from personality disorders.  One place which might help both you and kimleanne  might be the Message Forum on "*********.com" - "Supporting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD".  I'm not saying that either of your children have a personality disorder; however, many of the methods used by parents on this site might be helpful to both of you.  

By the way, the "active ignoring" reference to interacting with your children is often referred as the "medium chill" when dealing with those who suffer from mental health disorders.   I think I like your term better.  All the best .....