Difficult 3 1/2 year old

My daughter, who is 3 1/2, wants to do EVERYTHING on her own terms.  Since she was a baby, I have tried to instill independence in her, but I'm starting to think it has gone too far.  So is so bossy, and gets so upset when I remind her that Mommy is in charge, not her.

I provide choices for her all the time for things I consider appropriate (peas or carrots, wear this outfit or that one, etc) but some things, like when it's time to run errands, are not her choice.  How do I avoid a complete meltdown without having to compromise with her ALL the time?  I always tell her ahead of time what's going to happen.  For example:  after dinner you can play until the timer goes off and then it's bathtime, when the timer goes off there are still major objections from her, so I will respond with something like: if you don't come upstairs now, there will be no story time.  Basically I feel like I'm threatening her all the time, and I don't know if that's doing more damage than good.

Thank you for your time and help!

Eva


This discussion is related to argumentative 3 1/2 year old.

[mom@homenow]

Since she responds well to choices, I'd change the tone when you need her to comply so that you are giving her a choice rather than threatening her. I had the same sort of issue with my son for a while, and I felt like for a year I started nearly every sentence with "You have a choice..." so that he felt some measure of control.

So, for instance, instead of "if you don't come upstairs now, there will be no story time" I would say "Either you come upstairs without a fuss and you will get story time, or you can make a fuss and then you will not have story time. It's your choice." Going upstairs is non-negotiable, even if you end up having to carry her, but you are spelling out the consequences of her behavior. Be sure to follow through if she fusses, and complement her when she makes good choices. ie. If she goes up willingly, say "I'm so glad you chose to come up without fussing, that's what big girls do and I love our story time together!"