Difficulty with my 8-year old

My husband and I have an 8-year old daughter.  We raise her to respect her peers, adults, and family members.  She is a little shy at times (a lot while growing-up), but at home she seems to be a totally different person.  I have to admit that I at times treat her as a friend and talk to her about things that do not envolve her such as my feelings and thoughts on issues she really is not familiar with.  The problem is this!  When asked to complete her homework, clean her room, or just go to bed her response to me is "Oh I don't want to" or "I'm scared to be alone upstairs, can you take me to bed and stay in your room while I go to sleep".  When I get fed-up with her whinning or demands, or her no's I get mad and begin to loose it.  I start to yell (never hit) and say horrible things.  My husband, an active duty marine, is hardly at home.  When he is here, he is able to get our daughter to do what is asked.  However, when he is at home for a long period ( more than a month) our daughter begins to say no to him too.  Lately her grades have gone from an A+ to a C on kmost assignments.  When home from school, she rarely goes out to play but refuses to read (something she loved) or study her work and do chores.  

There is more, but I will see if you could just help me out with this right now.  I was raised in a terrible atmosphere with 7 brothers and sisters.  My parents used the belt if we shrugged our shoulders or made any expression that to them looked like a negative response.  I want our daughter to be raised properly.  I do not believe that hitting a child will do any good except teach her that hitting is alright and resenting her parents.  Maybe I am wrong ( there re always two opinions to every issue).  All I know is that I need help before I loose complete control of our daughter.

Please e mail me at ***@****

Thanks much

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Need Help,

You should probably seek an evaluation from a behavioral health professional. There is no doubt, as you note, that you need some help in your interactions with your daughter. You are uneasy about the nature of some of your communication with her, and this is likely an indication that you are broaching topics that aren's appropriate for her. In addition, you're acknowledging help with setting limits and following up on them while maintaining emotional control.

Your daughter may be demonstrating normal-spectrum behaviors that need to be managed, but this needs to be determined. She may also be displaying some emotional disturbance, and the only way to gauge this is by having her evaluated.