Disaplining a 9 yr old step son when father is a push over....

I have been having a problem trying to disapline my 9 year old step son when he is visiting his father and I.  His father has visitation every other weekend, and feels that his time with his son is so short, he does not want disapline to play a part even though I feel the child has problems with his manners (bletching out loud, farting and making obscene noises in public, eating with his hands, putting his feet on the table during dinner, etc.  I recently scolded my step son while at a restaurant and he started eating a bowel of peaches with his hands stating that that was not proper and he needed to use his utensils.  His father said he was "being a boy" and I needed to "calm down."  Of course his father and I started arguing and he said because I did not have children of my own, I was too strict.  I have considered speaking with his mother about the situation and getting her guidance on how I should deal with this, but our relationship is not that great.  My husband says that we should just let the step son "be" and not get on him about his manners during visitation.  I have tried time out, but my step son acts like it does not affect him and has started to play his father and I.  I have tried to talk to my husband about his son's behavior and manners, but he acts like I am crazy and should stay out of it, should I and let our step son embarass us in public?  HELP!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Jenifer C,

What is really in order is for you and your husband to seek some professional help in order to arrive at a common approach to your stepson. It will not help for you to try to persist in the face of your husband's lack of support. His son is behaving in a rude manner and is begging for limits to be set. But you can't do this on your own. There's also no point in your speaking with his mother. It's you and your husband together who need to solve this.

[Tonya]

Dear Jenifer,
I also have a step son who is very rude and defiant.  The only difference is my step son lives with us.  Before he came to live with us, my husband was the same way. He ignored the problem.  Well now it is a bigger problem then before.  I would talk to his mom about it.  Ask her if does things like that at home and if does, how does she deal with it.  Be nice and things will work out.  I have a good relationship with my step son's mother, it took us awhile to get there but we did. There may be some issues in which your step son has. For example, he could be angry that his parents are not together and what a better way then to make the step mom so her and dad fight. Don't let this nine year old control you. YOu control him....

[Buddy]

I have Children and one of them I only get every other weekend. If she acted like the way that you describe then I would blow a gasket.  There are things that you can do with your child while they are with you that are fun but lack of discipline and or lack of teaching the rudementery skills that a child needs to get from each of their parents is inexcusable.  It will damage the childs development and likely land him on permenant welfare. Boys watch and learn from their fathers as these are the tributes they will need to aquire when they are on their own.  Maybe your step son will turn out fine, maybe your husband was playng with him and you didn't think it was funny?  I think I would leave my spouse If she had the same situation as you and yours, and would not comprimise with me.  Children need to know their limits and boundries and they need to know that they are loved, even when they are being punished.  

             Good Luck.